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DS been in school a week and I've got to go and "discuss his behaviour"

(60 Posts)
aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 21:46:10

My DS has been a school just over a week, only a few days FT and I've had a call tonight asking for a meeting with me.

Tuesday, he was "spoken to" by a senior teacher twice. Once for shoving someone and once for hitting. He told me the second time it was in retaliation to something being done to him that wasn't seen. We done the big talking to, unacceptable behaviour, go and tell an adult etc etc and he was very upset. He lost some privileges, and was told what the consequences would be should it happen again. He had a good day yesterday and came home with a good behaviour certificate. We made a big fuss and gave him back some confiscated items. However, on collection today he tells me he's been naughty, but without any consequences (no bad points). He told me he hurt someone but it was an accident and he said sorry. However, I literally walked through the door, and his teacher rings asking me to go in to "discuss his behaviour". (Going on Monday). We had quite a chat and she told me he shoved someone against a door deliberately and without reason. She suggested he omitted to tell me the full story (he got 4 bad points) as he knew his favourite teddy would be confiscated. When I questioned him, he still denied getting these points but that he was trying to get inside as he was getting wet. Sounds to me like he was being a bit heavy handed and not thinking of others before pushing past.

Again, we had a "I'm disappointed" talk before removal of teddy. He was beside himself and went to bed at 6.15pm - and straight to sleep.

He has been to preschool since a baby so is very used to other kids etc but not so used to the strict discipline that school provides as nursery was crap at discipline.

I'm just so torn. I need to nip this in the bud right now. I want my child to love school and have lots of friends, but its not going well at the moment. I know I need to stamp it out and be tough as he has to learn appropriate behaviour...but its not easy sad.surely the school understand this time is difficult for these kids just starting and that their behaviour may not necessarily be typical of how they will be in a few weeks. Who knows what I am in for when i meet with the teacher on Monday.

Sorry, a bit of a long ramble there. I just feel sad cos he is lovely really

smable Thu 19-Sep-13 21:51:21

Sorry you're having a bad time I've been there and it's horrid, however I think starting school makes children feel a little insucure and taking his favourite teddy isn't going to help is there any other toy you could remove.

smable Thu 19-Sep-13 21:51:51

Sorry you're having a bad time I've been there and it's horrid, however I think starting school makes children feel a little insucure and taking his favourite teddy isn't going to help is there any other toy you could remove.

smable Thu 19-Sep-13 21:52:35

Whoops sorry I'm not great on my phone

RandomMess Thu 19-Sep-13 21:54:29

I agree don't take his teddy away - it's a huge upheaval!!

He could well be really testing the boundaries at school because he is used to the lax discipline at his pre-school.

Loshad Thu 19-Sep-13 21:58:47

Agree don't take his teddy away, that is cruel.
However you do seem to be minimising his bad behaviour in terms of hitting and shoving, presumably other children who have only just started school, and are being thoroughly put off the whole idea by being roughed over.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:03:28

Well he is certainly testing the boundaries hmm

Well other lost privileges are loss of use of the tablet and DS and that had the desired effect. He was so knackered tonight, it has to be contributing to his behaviour.

Fair point about the teddy but I have to find which buttons to push. No bedtime story is usually enough but not this time! After everything we said on Tuesday and one good day and he's at it again!

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:08:35

Perhaps I'm subconsciously minimising it on here - but certainly not with him. I think I'm trying to get some perspective. And i have said that to him. how would he feel if someone done that to him. Both me and DH think its totally unacceptable and am determined to get it sorted. But its true to say I'm upset to having to be so horrible to him sad

Cat98 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:09:39

I'd go for rewards now for a while, each day he behaves at school or each week he gets a small treat.
Obviously he needs to learn what he's doing isn't acceptable but he sounds like he needs some positive reinforcement for anything 'good' he does, however small.

Panzee Thu 19-Sep-13 22:10:17

I think a week is too soon to have a discussion over his behaviour. I got called in a couple of days in because of various trivial (IMO) things, not hitting or anything like that. I was not exactly supportive of the teachers' approach (far too keen on the sanctions without teaching appropriate behaviour) and told them to give him a chance, it's his first ever week in school. They appeared to be more positive and he is much happier already.

Ask them why they think he is behaving in that way, and what they are doing to encourage positive behaviour. It's way too early to severely punish a shove and a hit, without attempting to teach the good.

RandomMess Thu 19-Sep-13 22:11:05

He is only young though and probably impulsive still. If he is used to being rough and not having consequences for a year then it's going to take time to get used to the change in expectations.

Hopefully the school will work with you to find some strategies that work.

Remind him in the morning about "kind hands" and "being gentle" etc. One of the best things you can do is ask the school what conseqences they want to enforce at school and support the school in that - it could be missing some playtime or having to see the head or something. Often as a parent it is enough to say you are disappointed in their behaviour that day because you know what they have been up to!!! Have a behaviour book where you are informed each day how it has gone so you can celebrate his good days and support school consequences on the bad ones.

SirChenjin Thu 19-Sep-13 22:17:03

You poor thing sad

It sounds as if you are doing the right thing - acknowledging he's crossed the line, had a chat with him, put consequences in place, working with the school.

Wait and see what the school have to say. If they are half decent, they won't want to be heavy handed, but instead will try and work with you to put some behaviour plans in place so that all of you know what you're working towards. You're right, it's an unsettling time, and hopefully they will just want to nip it in the bud and involve you at an early stage - which is positive.

I would go with the positive rewards for good behaviour, along with a huge fuss (as you've been doing) - and please, let him keep his teddy!

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:20:37

Thanks all. I have a special dessert in the fridge which he can have tomorrow after school providing he behaves.

Great idea about the behaviour book. He goes to a CM some days so it means they will tell me (and not her), and he will know I'm being told.

I'm sure it will get better. sad

SirChenjin Thu 19-Sep-13 22:22:57

It will - honestly! He's only little, and still learning. He will be fine smile

mrsminiverscharlady Thu 19-Sep-13 22:23:45

When ds1 had a couple of episodes of this kind of behaviour at school, we didn't punish him but gave him a very stern talking to and asked him to make a proper apology to the children concerned. This meant drawing them a picture and writing a note to say sorry. We also spoke about why it's wrong to hurt people and why we were extremely disappointed in him. School were very supportive of this approach, we kept in close contact for a few weeks and reminded him of the behaviour we expected before school for the next few days. It seemed to do the trick and we've had no repeats.

How is your ds's behaviour more generally?

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:31:57

generally he's ok. Enthusiastic, loud, cheeky "typical" boy. Perhaps I haven't been tough enough up till now but at no time have I had any concerns raised (or nursery/preschool) over his behaviour, even though their approach to discipline was a little relaxed IMO.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:33:56

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit more positive now and a bit more prepared for Monday. Need to toughen up a bit don't I? (but he's still my baby).

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:36:15

"Bad points" sounds like a dreadful reward system. What on earth are they?

I think you do have to take this seriously but also put it back on the school - it's happening at school, it's all new to him and you're not there at the time. It's up to them to deal with, with your co-operation.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Thu 19-Sep-13 22:36:56

These poor children, he is in reception yes?? So he is just finding his feet and you are punishing him hours later, for things that happened in school.

1 *Positive reinforcement, so praise and attention for doing good are far more effective, its for the school, in conjunction with yourself, to find ways to deal with his behaviour in school, not coming down on him like a ton of bricks, I want to cry for him, he is tiny.

2 I would refuse to allow them to discuss his behaviour with the child minder she is not his parent you are!

3 He is already learning to lie to you about what has happened because he fears the punishment - that is a slippery slope you do not want to go down.

He is tired, he is learning a lot, cut him some slack. I am not saying you shouldn't be tackling him but you are totally OTT in what you are doing.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Thu 19-Sep-13 22:37:43

also agree with chub, if my little boys school was handing out bad points, then they would soon not be handing them out to mine.

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:42:18

Doesn't the school use a proper contact book to communicate issues with parents? I don't think hearing second hand via the CM is helping you get a clear picture of what is going on.

My sons school use a traffic light system - everyone starts the day on green. Three warnings for minor naughtiness you move to amber. Next warning onto red. People on red lose golden time. However being on red is not routinely reported to parents unless something pretty bad has occurred (punching, biting, destructiveness, swearing for example).

DIddled Thu 19-Sep-13 22:43:27

Jesus!!! I though you meant he was Y7 not reception!!! I had all this shit with my now 14 year old- it's been a week of school. Go into school, tell them you are trying to resolve but they need to take into consideration that he is still settling in.

I used to break my heart over all the slights directed at my son ( and in directly me) - he has turned into the most lovely , clever balanced young man.

Hugs- hope it gets better - it will x

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:46:39

Firm, consistent and fair is the only way to deal with little boys op. he'll be fine but make sure his teacher is on board with that and doesn't regard little boys as wild animals like some primary teachers I have encountered.

Mymatetracy Thu 19-Sep-13 22:47:17

I know exactly how you feel! I has this when mine started school 6 yrs ago. It's really tough on both you. In my opinion, school should be dealing with it at school. They've escalated it way too quickly - pulling you in now- they must understand its a big change for your son- he needs time to adjust. You say he's lovely and you've known him longer than school - 2wks?! Let the school deal with what happens in school, at school. When you collect him, ask him if he had a nice day. Talk to him about it but don't continue the punishment at home- it's not fair. He needs your support and love. If you confiscate his teddy/toys for something that happended at school, he'll just see it as unfair. I agree with the other posters, concentrate and reward the positivessmile I would also be firm with them on Monday that you will support the school, but expect hem to deal with behaviour in school, and you do not expect them to be constantly phoning you to tell you the events of the day, unless very serious. Sorry for the ramble, but we had an awful time with a very strict and unreasonable schoolsad you need to nip it in the bud with school as before long, other parents will ostracise you or your son through an overreaction from school sad ps it's not in warrington is it ?!

cazzybabs Thu 19-Sep-13 22:51:42

As a reception teacher .. i might ask to see a parent at this early stage to support the child... I would want to know if this behaviour has been seen before and what statergies worked before. Don't take it as a negative... see it as the school wanting to work with you and do the best for your child. FWI as a teacher I hate asking parents to see me as much as they probably hate seeing me.

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