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Anyone got any good responses that DD can use please

(29 Posts)
hollyanthus Mon 11-Mar-13 20:58:27

She is in year 2, with a 2 class intake. Both classes are lovely but each has one child who is determined to ruin things for everyone / throw their weight around - to the point that they have quite an interesting reputation. School's attitude is that you are going to meet difficult people in life, so this is good practice. In every other year the pastoral care is fab, and the kids are not behaviourally challenging [sorry can't think of a better way to describe them].

All fine in theory, they say DD is doing absolutely nothing to be on the receiving end - and the kids in question just dish it out indiscriminately, and trust us we are dealing with it - but sanctions just go in one ear and out the other with these two kids. I've noticed that the quieter children who behave well and don't react seem to get it more than others who have a bit more of a don't mess with me attitude. She is putting a brave face on it, and not reacting to please the teacher, however I think she'll snap.

One girl has a great routine of "talk to the hand because the face ain't listening" - for the 'difficult' girl in the other class. Works really well according to her mum.

But I can't think what how tell DD to react to a boy who so far has spat repeatedly in her face, been verbally abusive, tripped her over (including under the teacher's nose - so he got punished then), shoving her over, hitting round the head with toys / playground equipment when she was trying to block him from hitting a reception boy (who are his favourite targets), hiding her gym kit (strangely reappeared as soon as I came up to the classroom and looked in his locker - but was very mouthy to me).

I need something that gives her a feeling of control, rather than feeling that she has to just stand there and take it, so she doesn't get into trouble for retaliating. I have told her she can try "Did you mean to be so rude / nasty?" ... especially if teachers are around grin. What else can she do?

cumbrialass Mon 11-Mar-13 21:34:44

I would tell her to say nothing, but I would also tell the Headteacher that this is unacceptable and what are they going to do about the dreadful behaviour of this child. This is not "good practice", this is completely unacceptable and your daughter should NOT have to put up with it, nor do anything about it herself, this is the job of the class teacher and the Head.

This is not 'good practice' for later life; it is bullying. Talk to the HT or the governors, if the teacher won't try to control it.

simpson Mon 11-Mar-13 22:03:05

I cannot believe that the school/teacher is doing nothing...that is their job surely??

tethersend Mon 11-Mar-13 22:14:34

Agree, it's bullying and unacceptable- speak to school and ask them how they are going to keep all children safe and how they are going to address the bullying.

Don't teach your DD a smart comeback- you don't know the child in question and don't know whether or not it will exacerbate the problem behaviour.

VerySmallSqueak Mon 11-Mar-13 22:20:08

It is bullying.
I would want to know what the school are doing to tackle it specifically.

I think it's important to let your daughter know that its not right or acceptable and that you are on her side and doing everything you can to try and sort it out.

TreadOnTheCracks Mon 11-Mar-13 22:22:38

Completely outrageous. Yr2 boy attaching reception child and your DD trying to prevent it.

Start a log, get a meeting with the head. You cannot allow this to go on.

If they don't take decisive action get back on here for more advice, but I imagine you'll need to involve your local authority or OFSTED if the school don't resolve this.

hollyanthus Mon 11-Mar-13 22:26:38

The teacher is trying - I've seen her in action - I can't fault what she was doing. They are doing what they practically can with such a child - who basically doesn't give a toss, and worshipped by his mother. At times (eg assemblies) he has to sit with one teacher on either side so he physically can't get up to anything. Put at the front of the line, holding the teacher's hand so he can't push someone over. Only today as they were getting everyone into the line, he got out ..... and DD got spat on. They try to minimise, he loses privileges, is taken away from the playground etc. He is spending alot of time with the headmistress ..... what else can they be doing?

And yes I've already been in. More than once. Initially about the other girl, who picked on DD as the new girl.

The reality is that some kids are being left alone - and if they knock him over, then he leaves them alone ...... same with the other girl, when they tell her where to go, she goes.

This is an independent school - in the state system would this boy be getting 1:1 support? They have 1 TA who moves between 2 year groups - each class has 15 in it.

I've been looking at the local state school, but that would be out of the frying pan and into the fire unfortunately. Am so sad, as other year groups are lovely ... its just this one :-(

hollyanthus Mon 11-Mar-13 22:27:37

I meant - they try to minimise trouble that he can cause

TreadOnTheCracks Mon 11-Mar-13 22:35:02

We have had troubles along these lines at my children's state school but it has always been sorted out in the end.

He would need to be statemented to have one to one and it is reasonably unusual to have the one to one with them at playtime, a child might get segregated for breaks if they hurt other children.

Are other parents concerned? If several parents made noises about moving would the school take action?

fluffypillow Mon 11-Mar-13 22:37:26

The School have a 'duty of care', and your child is NOT being cared for.

She should not have to sort this out herself by giving smart comments to this bully(it won't work anyway). You need to arrange an appt with the Head Teacher straight away, and request that the class Teacher is present (so you are all on the 'same page').

Don't take any nonsense or fobbing off. Tell them EVERYTHING will be followed up in writing, and make sure you follow through with this. It's surprising how much further you get with Schools when you document your concerns. Don't leave the room until you are given a clear plan of action, and make it clear to them that you expect to be updated as to what changes have been made to ensure your Daughters safety where this child is concerned.

Spitting in someones face, tripping them over and hitting them around the head is not acceptable behaviour . Tolerating this is not 'good practise for life'. An adult could be arrested if they walked up to someone in the street, spat on them, and hit them around the head!

Go into School and make it clear that this stops NOW otherwise you will be taking it further.......... for your DDs sake.

seeker Mon 11-Mar-13 22:39:17

And you're keeping your child in this school exactly why? A Head teacher who regards bullying as good preparation for life and an ineffectual class teacher?

auntevil Mon 11-Mar-13 23:07:38

tbh hollyanthus , in state school, there would have to be a hell of a lot more going on with a child (which may not be known to you) to warrant any 1-1 time.
We have similar in our school (state). Each DS has at least 1 child like this in their class. The DS's do 'the right thing' by letting staff know if there is a problem. Staff deal with each incident. Children frequently on reports, excluded etc, but the behaviour continues.
Whilst I don't agree with the HT that your DD should just suck it up as part of a lesson in life. I do think it's the same children that grow up into adults that have the same total disregard to any forms of authority.

shellyf Mon 11-Mar-13 23:14:55

I can't believe that you are paying fees for your child to be treated like this.It wouldn't be tolerated in our state school.Poor child.

steppemum Mon 11-Mar-13 23:38:29

there is a big difference between having a badly behaved child in a class, and having a child who hurts others in the class. The behaviour is annoying, but you can't do anything as long as education of your child is not effected. The hurtful child is cause for complaint and you can expect the school to take steps to prevent your child being hurt.

Repeated hitting, pushing etc is bullying. If your dc is the victim on recurrent occasions, then the school needs to take action. Which, considering you are paying, may lead to the child being excluded.

PastSellByDate Tue 12-Mar-13 06:32:52


difficult to say not totally knowing the situation and because you describe it as arbitrary attacks.

My advice for my DD2 with two very difficult girls (and thoroughly unpleasant ones at that) in her class is this:

avoidance: if X or Y are in a mood that day, steer well clear of them and either play in the quiet area (overlooked by Head's office and curtains are usually open) or play near playground monitor (usually dinner lady).

talk: tell people if you are being picked on. Most schools have a bullying policy and often have a system of playground buddies (older pupils who help solve disputes). Definitely feel free to tell the teacher if you're hurt by them or teased.

rhyme: revenge is a dish best served cold. In Y1 there was a third little charmer (let's call her Z) who was also fairly horrible and decided to rhyme my daughter's name in a very unpleasant way (think cry baby taunts) and then chant it all recess, encouraging most of the class to join in. It took a few weeks but we found a retort that rhymed with Z's name and stressed how mean this girl was. It caught on like wildfire (because she'd been pretty horrible to everybody). About 2 months of class taunting of Z (which DD2 started but didn't really carry on with) Z's new nickname absolutely broke that behaviour and we ended up getting a lovely note (because the girls mother insisted after Z told her about everything) apologising for having teased DD2 so badly, asking forgiveness because now she understood how awful it was to be teased. Oddly enough they're the best of friends now (but DD2 still avoids Z if she's in one of her pushy moods).

Labro Tue 12-Mar-13 08:20:45

Independents still have to have anti bullying policy and behaviour policy which gives the schools procedure for dealing with these incidents. It needs to be reported in writing to the class teacher, then its normally head of year/head of infants, deputy head, headmaster. If it is a bigger problem which requires possible exclusion then the govenors will be involved. The other child may have additional needs but the school are failing in their duty of care to all of the children and even though independent, they should be seeking the appropriate intervention by assessment (even though this has to be paid for). There is no way that you should be paying for your child to be spat on and hit.

sashh Tue 12-Mar-13 09:04:04

'Is your brain poorly, or are you just nasty?'

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 12-Mar-13 09:27:28

I taught my DD to say in a loud clear voice 'I do not like what you are doing to me please stop'. This was very effective as it seemed to penetrate directly to the playground supervisors ears which meant every incident was seen by a member of staff and could not be ignored.

PureQuintessence Tue 12-Mar-13 09:33:30

You are paying for your child to be bullied?

Why not remove her from school? Tell the HT that you wont put up with the schools failure to protect your child and you will speak to the regulator and withdraw her from school.

See if you can get some of the other parents with you.

HormonalHousewife Tue 12-Mar-13 09:34:43

Independent school will still exclude unruly pupils. I know a child who threw a chair in a rage and was expelled (yr 2 same age) so it does happen...

I would be livid if this were me. I understand the line of meeting all times and having to make compromises in life etc but bloody hell, I would not put up with spitting in my face or any of the other incidents you describe.

You need to make a meeting with the head teacher and take this much further.

learnandsay Tue 12-Mar-13 10:57:48

If a boy did that to my daughter I'd charge into the school and rip the teacher's lungs out.

mummytime Tue 12-Mar-13 11:17:14

If it is an independent school they should be expelling him.

In the State I would expect them to go to the LA for specialist help, even academies buy in the advice of specialist teachers/educational psychologists etc.

I would be looking for another school for my child. Some independent schools/ independent parents put up with things which would be massively complained about at State (judging by my eavesdropping of some posh independent parents).

EverybodysSootyEyed Tue 12-Mar-13 11:24:09

My son has a line which he also uses on his sister!

"please don't do that. I don't like it" but he says it loudly and as if he is talking to an idiot who needs it spelt out.

You do need to put your foot down and insist the school take it more seriously. If the miter idolises him she needs to be told by the school. If she doesn't like it she can move him.

EverybodysSootyEyed Tue 12-Mar-13 11:26:38

Mother not miter

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