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what exactly do they expect from me?

(65 Posts)
Hattifattner Thu 07-Mar-13 10:13:23

A toss up between here and AIBU....allow me to rant a little.

Two lots of parents evenings in the last couple of weeks. Ive spent most of the evening listening to the teachers moaning about my sons being chatterboxes. you get a small slot to discuss your child, they are invariably running late, so its all rushed, and they spend 8 out of the allocated 10 minutes telling you that your child talks too much.

I actually stopped Teacher 1 yesterday, and said "Well, Ok, now lets talk about how he is actually doing academically"

The other child is in seniors, and by the 4th teacher, I said, "Hello, Im Xs mum, just so we are clear, I accept that he is chatty and a bit giddy, but what I actually want to hear is how he is doing in History/math/english."

AIBU to actually want to hear about things I can control and assist in? Surely chatty behavior in class is the teachers issue, not mine - if she's told him 10 times a day not to chat, does she really think that one word from me is going to stop it?

Ive also had a call from a subject teacher of DS1s about him giggling in class (he is a young 13) and could I punish him at home. This is after he has given my son detention. Again, if the teacher has no control over a bunch of teen boys, is that really my issue? Im at a loss as to what they expect me to do. I think if my son has had a detention, and I have supported the school in that decision, I shouldnt then be taking my childs phone/games controller/pocket money away from him as a second punishment?

I really want to be supportive of the school, but honestly, Im sick of it.

Last night the teacher actually said my youngest was very bright and clearly gets what is needed on the first explanation, but then "gets really excited about the work and starts chatting..." - and somehow, Im supposed to deal with this? SUrely a child who is excited about his work is a good thing? ANd if he is chatting in class, she needs to deal with that, as teachers have done since forever.


To make matters worse, what I actually wanted to explore was the fact that my son is showing many signs of being dyslexic and I want to know how they will support him and whether I need to get things in place now for when he goes to secondary school. But no, we had 8 minutes on how chatty he was.

DO they not teach behaviour management is teacher training college?

5madthings Thu 07-Mar-13 20:28:54

OK so you have another year before high school, that's good.

Ime reversing letters at age 10 isn't common but a teacher may say differently. I guess they may be thinking its because he is distractable?

You need a two pronged approach, the behaviour diary and insist on seeing teacher and senco, see what theory advised he work he can practise at home and what support they can offer him at school.

If you ask on the sen boards about dyslexia etc you should get some advice. I know my friend really had to push to get her dd's dysexia diagnoised as she was 'doing OK'. They may be doing OK but that doesn't mean they are working to the best of their ability and potential!

Hattifattner Thu 07-Mar-13 20:18:19

he's in Y5. I dont think he should be reversing letters and numbers either, but I dont want to be one of THOSE parents that demands a label for their child. Ive been going with what the school is saying (that he is doing OK) but I do worry that its all going to go tits up in Y7, when he will have to write more.

5madthings Thu 07-Mar-13 19:54:59

Bad session not BSD session...

A behaviour card/diary is a good plan, but also go in to speak to them re the issues he has with reading/writing, he shouldn't be writing letters the wring way round at age 10, is he in yr 6?

Hattifattner Thu 07-Mar-13 19:50:58

you see, this stuff is what I needed from the teacher - its no good throwing a problem at someone in an angry and accusatory way and leaving it all hanging - offer me an issue and a possible solution, I can work with that. So Im going to write to her and suggest a behaviour card, then I will know whats what.

Unfortunately I cannot pop in every day as I lift share, so only collect once or twice a week, depending on clubs etc. and there isn't really a pattern to it most weeks. (I collect older children from a school that finishes 5 mins earlier)

5madthings Thu 07-Mar-13 19:30:18

Yes ds2had a diary that was split into lessons and he got a score out if 10 for each lesson, the teacher wanted him to get all 8 and above, it worked really well and as the day was split into segments if he had one BSD session he knew he could pull it up the rest of the day. Breaking the day into chunks really helped him, along with him having the option of asking for time out if he could feel he was getting distracted etc. Ds2is very bright but summer born and not very mature emotionally, he was easily distracted and the class clown at times but working with the school he has settled down brilliantly and now in yr 6 and doing brilliantly, he has the same teacher as yr 5 and he says how much he has matured and progressed. But it took us and the school working together and being consistent, he still has his quirky, slightly cheeky personality but knows there is a time and a place!!

My ds1 and ds3 are 'perfect pupils' always well behaved, model students etc and never a bad word is said about them but ds2 is a very different personality and we had to find strategies that worked for him. Its a team effort with the school smile

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 19:28:05

If there were adverse comments in the notebook then I would sit him down at home with DH and say 'it says-xxxxx -now why did you do that?' and discuss it as in 'what was the point' etc etc-in fact bore them to death having to explain every single point and then look absolutely baffled. They are most likely to behave simply not to have a daily inquisition! grin

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 19:22:55

Oh-and I would get a meeting with the SENCO

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 19:18:12

I would also be there at the end of the day to look at the notebook with the teacher-behaving badly would not be an option!

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 19:16:46

I would agree with 5madthings and if the school don't already do it I would get a notebook and split it into lessons-he would have to get it signed by the teacher if they had gone well and comments if they didn't. I would then have consequences at home if he didn't get a good report or do extra fun things if it was good.
Mine have never had a problem, but I have always thought that if they were a problem and the notebook wouldn't work then I would suggest to the teacher that I went in with them, sat beside them and made them behave.

Wewereherefirst Thu 07-Mar-13 18:48:53

Could you not ask both of them why they talk so much in class? Then work from there building a specific guide for them both to stick to with sanctions and rewards? But do it long term.

I'm no teacher but it is what I would do with DS1 if he was getting into trouble/not fulfilling his potential.

5madthings Thu 07-Mar-13 18:47:36

Yes ask for daily or weekly updates and back the school up. When my ds2 who is 10 had issues like this in yr 5 I saw the teacher briefly at the end if every days to get a brief report on his day. Going down to twice then once a week as he improved and he had consequences at home is no Xbox time or football club. We also had him assessed (as school and go suggested) by camhs as they thought he could have add. Hr is borderline and being consistent and working with the school with various strategies has led to an immense improvement.

You need yo make an appointment to discuss his educational needs with teacher and senco to sort out any son's he may need help with.

But you do have to back the school up. Does he not gave a homework diary the teacher could write a brief note in each day or a few times a week? See had a behavior diary from camhs which was good.

Hattifattner Thu 07-Mar-13 18:36:19

but how exotic?

WOuld I be out of order, for example, to suggest that the teacher send me a daily update on chattering so that I know if the day has been bad - this is what the daily reports at senior school did, and were reasonably effective after a time. Then I could tackle it in specific terms, rather than "your teacher says you chat too much - pack it in" which is all I can really do at the moment, not really having a quantifiable bit of information to go on. This also means I can reward days when he doesnt get to be Mr Chatty.

Would I also, do you think, be out of line to request a meeting with the senco to see if she could review the optomestrist report and suggest next steps? Because even the teacher said she had noticed (!) DS2 had issues decoding words. Although she hadnt noticed letter reversals....until she opened his book and on first page he had reversed a letter in his name!

Yet nothing seems to be done to help or advise.

mrz Thu 07-Mar-13 18:34:58

She can't but she can make it clear that this type of behaviour is not acceptable and that she supports the teacher.

mummytime Thu 07-Mar-13 18:32:44

exoticfruits - how do you propose a mother stops her child (who may have SEN) stops his low level disruption in school, when she isn't there?

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 18:01:37

I would have thought it obvious what they expected you to do! Stop the low level disruption, which must irritate everyone, and get them to concentrate on school work- the reason they are there!

mrz Thu 07-Mar-13 18:00:36

The teacher's concern seems to be that the chattering is having a detrimental effect on your children's progress.

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 17:59:11

It would appear to me that the eldest could do well academically, if he applied himself and stopped chatting and that the youngest could be dyslexic, but it is difficult to tell because he might just be chatting and not applying himself. If you stop the chatting and get them to concentrate then you might find out! The teachers need back up and a partnership. They can't get very far if your DSs know that you don't take it seriously and write it off as the teachers job. Take it seriously, with a few consequences and you might be pleasantly surprised by the change.

Hattifattner Thu 07-Mar-13 17:53:04

flogging, if the teachers repeatedly fob us of with "Oh its not that bad" because he is not in the lowest quartile of the class, what should a layman do? We spent £££ on a private behavioural optometrist report, to establish what exactly his visual processing issue was after the school noted there was a problem but did nothing to assess what it was. The report was sent to his teacher and copied to the SENCo.

The result - well they help him with handwriting, but that's it. Because he is "not that bad". But, as in the original post, I want to know if "not that bad" in juniors will become a big problem in seniors, and I was hoping that the teacher would be able to give me some guidance as to whether he would be able to use his current coping strategies effectively in senior school, or whether his particular issues might benefit from me starting the endless paper trail now that will be needed to get additional support at senior school.


please dont assume I dont support the school in behaviour management, because I do. But in this case, I have to wonder again, "what do they expect me to do" if the first I hear of this is an 8 minute rant on parents evening. An evening that I obviously mistakenly believe to be an opportunity to discuss concerns with academic achievement as well as behaviour.

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Mar-13 17:39:34

Well it would still be in the op's best interest to find out, don't you think, learn??

learnandsay Thu 07-Mar-13 17:34:41

True, but equally there may be none.

mrz Thu 07-Mar-13 17:32:34

But surely to God there are more important things to worry about a childs' education that whether or not he chatting. Like for example his spelling is in the lowest 10% and he is still reversing letters and he can't decode words.

Do you not see there may well be a link between the two?

StuffezLaBouche Thu 07-Mar-13 17:26:13

YABU. I don't know if any teachers will empathise here, but I know I've spent a lot time telling parents about their kids' chattering. ( I always give levels and progress, too.) the reason for the chatting babble is that, to be honest, I'm trying to find a way of saying "your child is really pissing me off with their constant talking over me. It's hindering their learning and the learning of those around them."
Yes many kids are natural talkers, and it's a lovely quality fora child to be confident and articulate. However, as they go up the school, they cannot possibly give their best effort when they are talking. Their mind simply isn't engaged. This is why it's a bigger issue than you seem to think.

Ilovesunflowers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:16:45

Sorry I missed the bits about possible SN. Finding things difficult is not an excuse for poor behaviour although it does sound like more support at school will be needed. Push for this.

Ilovesunflowers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:13:53

My goodness. You know you are being completely unreasonable surely?

Get a grip on your children and stop the poor behaviour in it's tracks. In 10 years time this won't matter a jot to the teachers but it will to you and your children.

Teachers try their best but at the end of the day they have 30 ish children to care for, look after and educate. It only takes 1 or 2 to be disruptive to make this a pretty much impossible task. BACK THE SCHOOL UP and do your job as a parent. Your attitude is extremely poor.

mummytime Thu 07-Mar-13 11:49:43

I would be very pro-active in getting him more assessments and help, and also talking to the senior school SENCO about his issues.

To be fair it is those parents whose kids get the most help a lot of the time. Make yourself a nuisance.

If he has that level of difficulty in decoding, then it is no wonder he is chatty. Either he can't cope so is chatting to relieve the boredom, or he is asking for help. (He may even be one of those kids who find it hard to think without speaking.)

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