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what exactly do they expect from me?

(65 Posts)
Hattifattner Thu 07-Mar-13 10:13:23

A toss up between here and AIBU....allow me to rant a little.

Two lots of parents evenings in the last couple of weeks. Ive spent most of the evening listening to the teachers moaning about my sons being chatterboxes. you get a small slot to discuss your child, they are invariably running late, so its all rushed, and they spend 8 out of the allocated 10 minutes telling you that your child talks too much.

I actually stopped Teacher 1 yesterday, and said "Well, Ok, now lets talk about how he is actually doing academically"

The other child is in seniors, and by the 4th teacher, I said, "Hello, Im Xs mum, just so we are clear, I accept that he is chatty and a bit giddy, but what I actually want to hear is how he is doing in History/math/english."

AIBU to actually want to hear about things I can control and assist in? Surely chatty behavior in class is the teachers issue, not mine - if she's told him 10 times a day not to chat, does she really think that one word from me is going to stop it?

Ive also had a call from a subject teacher of DS1s about him giggling in class (he is a young 13) and could I punish him at home. This is after he has given my son detention. Again, if the teacher has no control over a bunch of teen boys, is that really my issue? Im at a loss as to what they expect me to do. I think if my son has had a detention, and I have supported the school in that decision, I shouldnt then be taking my childs phone/games controller/pocket money away from him as a second punishment?

I really want to be supportive of the school, but honestly, Im sick of it.

Last night the teacher actually said my youngest was very bright and clearly gets what is needed on the first explanation, but then "gets really excited about the work and starts chatting..." - and somehow, Im supposed to deal with this? SUrely a child who is excited about his work is a good thing? ANd if he is chatting in class, she needs to deal with that, as teachers have done since forever.


To make matters worse, what I actually wanted to explore was the fact that my son is showing many signs of being dyslexic and I want to know how they will support him and whether I need to get things in place now for when he goes to secondary school. But no, we had 8 minutes on how chatty he was.

DO they not teach behaviour management is teacher training college?

pictish Thu 07-Mar-13 10:19:10

Ok..if for real, yabu. But you knew that, right? Because otherwise you're just bonkers.

Of course it's your job to support the staff in behavioural issues with your son. He is disruptive!

learnandsay Thu 07-Mar-13 10:21:37

If the boy is breaking school rules he should be punished in school.

pictish Thu 07-Mar-13 10:23:13

Yes...and have the school's expectations reinforced at home, provided they are not unreasonable.

Do we really send out kids of to school and say 'who gives a fuck what they get up to - not my problem!@


pictish Thu 07-Mar-13 10:23:48

out and off gah

pictish Thu 07-Mar-13 10:24:07

our even...gah x 2

TantrumsAndBalloons Thu 07-Mar-13 10:24:16


If your son is not behaving well at school, absolutely it is your job to follow this up at home.

learnandsay Thu 07-Mar-13 10:26:01

I think it depends on what the problem is. Classroom discipline is the teacher's job. If my child was vandalising school property or stealing then I would punish her at home on top of the school's punishment.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:27:00

One child behaving inappropriately may be an anomaly.....but two.....

Poor teachers.

jungletoes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:29:45

School and parents should work in partnership to help the child do their best and to reach their full potential. If you support the teachers at home by talking to your children about what's expected of them in school it reinforces the message. Also, a little bit of "if I hear you've been chatting again in school there will be no xbox/tv/pc/trip to cinema/swimming" it'sa big help.

jungletoes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:30:57

"is a big help", obviously

Startail Thu 07-Mar-13 10:35:10

I think it's OK for teachers to ask you to talk to your son about his behaviour in class and ask him to think why be does it. It's quite another to expect you to fix it, when your not there!

The best one I ever had was

Y2 teacher sweeping in "Can you stop DD1 fussing?", sweeps out.
Leaving me sitting there looking like a goldfish.

That was it, that was my consultation,

The answer had she bothered to wait was no!
In retrospect I know DD1 fussed, her lesson style and DD were totally at odds for many reasons, undiagnosed dyslexia being one of them.

Startail Thu 07-Mar-13 10:36:00

Not something I could fix with a two minute chat at home!

cloudpuff Thu 07-Mar-13 10:38:28

If a teacher had told me my dd was often chatting and disrupting lessons I would certainly be tackling it at home too.

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Mar-13 10:40:16

So, you have no control over your child's behaviour, that's for the teacher to address, but you imagine you can influence his academic performance?
Have you considered that if you address the behaviour, the rest may well follow automatically? And that it really isn't within the teacher's remit to teach your child the manners you seem to have failed to teach them yourself.

pinkdelight Thu 07-Mar-13 10:40:40

It seems quite a big step for a subject teacher to call you at home. It can't just be a matter of giggling a bit in class. Sounds like there's a level of disruption that is above the level of normal classroom management and your DS is enough of a problem for them to need your support dealing with it at home. Perhaps it is just chatting and giggling, but the extent of it is excessive. Are you really saying that it would make no difference for you to have a strong talk with him or start to take sanctions at home? Would he not get his act together and stop misbehaving? I think if you just say it's the school's problem, you're sending him (them!) the wrong message. If you don't take what the school says seriously, why would yor DSs?

Pozzled Thu 07-Mar-13 10:40:55

To answer your question, I would expect the following:

1) Sit down and talk to your DCs individually. Explain that the teacher's report was very disappointing. Say that you expect better and point out that their behaviour WILL be affecting their learning (and others in the class).

2) Set a target- behaviour must improve by the next time you speak to the teacher. Insert appropriate reward/sanction based on whether or not this happens.

3) If possible, contact teacher again in a couple of weeks to check how children are doing. (Much easier in primary, but even in secondary a quick phone call to HOY or note in homework diary should be possible).

4) Continue to reinforce expectations of appropriate behaviour- ask the children themselves how they are doing, discuss strategies they can use to work on their own behaviour (e.g moving away from friends who may distract them).

learnandsay Thu 07-Mar-13 10:43:16

Parents shouldn't get into the habit of perpetuating school rumours at home! That's a disastrous way to behave. Presumably the child has his/her own view of what actually went on. To be judged by the teacher (who is actually there) is one thing. But not by a parent who wasn't. That's a recipe for unfairness and resentment.

By all means talk to your children about what being considerate to others, including teachers, means.

pinkdelight Thu 07-Mar-13 10:48:43

" Parents shouldn't get into the habit of perpetuating school rumours at home!"

I don't follow - are you saying that teachers reporting on a child's behaviour to a parent is perpetuating a rumour??

It doesn't sound like there's any reason to think her sons aren't being disruptive. More that she doesn't feel that it's her problem.

pinkdelight Thu 07-Mar-13 10:49:34

Good advice from Pozzled.

pictish Thu 07-Mar-13 10:49:39

And that it really isn't within the teacher's remit to teach your child the manners you seem to have failed to teach them yourself.

Well said.

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Mar-13 10:50:26

Was it a rumour, then, learnandsay? confused
The op seems fairly convinced she was actually involved in the discussion.

Pozzled Thu 07-Mar-13 10:51:01

'Perpetuating school rumours'?

You mean the opinion of the professional who is teaching your child- you are viewing this as a' rumour'?

Please tell me I have misunderstood your post lands.

learnandsay Thu 07-Mar-13 10:53:43

Well, the level of evidence being discussed here isn't exactly scientific. Is it?

noblegiraffe Thu 07-Mar-13 10:56:31

Teachers have a very limited set of sanctions and a lot of children aren't bothered by detentions. So yes, it would be really helpful if you could back up the school by administering sanctions that your DC do care about, e.g. X-box. It shows that you also do not tolerate the poor behaviour that your DC are exhibiting at school.

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