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Ex & I just can't agree on school choices

(102 Posts)
UnbridledPositivity Wed 26-Dec-12 19:55:48

What do we do to solve this? We agree on our third choice, but he wants school A as first choice, school B as second choice, and I want it the other way round.

Help! (To give the whole picture: all schools are more or less fine. I will be doing school runs without a car, school B is on my way to work, school A is opposite direction. This doesn't affect my choice really, it's more that I didn't like several aspects and the general feel of school A.

Ex is adamant he didn't like the feel of school B as it reminds him of schools he went to. I've heard many positive things about school B, some negative about A. Ex's boss is a governor at school A.

prh47bridge Wed 09-Jan-13 21:17:54

That would be a long shot. They would have to convince the court that it was in the child's interests to go to the alternative school. At that stage any all the popular schools will be full so it would be difficult to show that the child will be better off by going to one of the unpopular schools. However, if the parent with care had applied for their preferred school in defiance of a previous order the absent parent may stand a better chance.

UnbridledPositivity Wed 09-Jan-13 19:02:42

Seriously?! Do people ever succeed in doing this?

prh47bridge Wed 09-Jan-13 18:54:44

morethanpotatoprints - After offers are made he still has the option of applying for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent his daughter attending the offered school. I'm not saying he would succeed, of course. That would depend on the strength of his case.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 09-Jan-13 14:36:34

morethan I guess you are not separated as often things that when you are in a relationship are small take on excessively large importance such as choice of school.
Unbridled I am glad you have made a decision.

UnbridledPositivity Wed 09-Jan-13 14:11:29

I think that makes perfect sense, unless the mum hasn't informed herself about schools, then that wouldn't be great for the children. I do think it must be lovely when both parents are interested and on the same page.

It doesn't seem fair that some parents just pick and choose their involvement, eg DD was poorly at the weekend a while ago, and ex gave us a lift to the OOH GP (which was very helpful of him as I don't drive and this happened in 'my' time with DD). But he decided that he was 'tired' and buggered off home hmm while I entertained DD for about 2 hours in the waiting room with toys and books which I had packed. So it must be great when you can choose exactly when you absolutely have to be involved and ignore the rest of what needs to be done.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 09-Jan-13 14:08:10

Seeing as you will be the one doing the school run it does make sense for your choice to have been considered seriously by him yes.

He sounds a twat.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 09-Jan-13 12:43:57

I was just confused about the PR thing having anything to do with what happens in practice.
With all of our dc we sort of discussed options of schools but the decision was left to me as the person responsible for school admin etc.
I found this the same for most other parents the mum ususally filled in registration forms and other admin related paperwork.

UnbridledPositivity Wed 09-Jan-13 12:03:59

He could submit his own application, but then DD would go to the bottom of the list and be offered whichever place was left at whichever school after children with sensible parents have been allocated their places.

Yes, parents with PR officially both have a say. It would be nice though if sometimes the parent with pretty much no daily admin-type involvement (school run, GP, dentist, keeping an eye on shoe & clothes sizes etc) considered the impact of all of these admin things on the resident parent and dialled down their shouting about having the right to be involved in decisions. Is that an unreasonable opinion? Probably.

annh Wed 09-Jan-13 11:53:05

Potatoprints, he could submit his own application, nothing to stop him as you said. That would be an interesting one for the council to sort out!

morethanpotatoprints Wed 09-Jan-13 11:37:11


I know that everyone with PR has the right to say how a child is educated. Irrespective of the couple being separated, registration and deregistration only requires one signature. Whats he going to do deregister their dc after she registers.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 19:26:45

Just caught up and i see that you've decided on your favourite school. Good for you! His school sounds wank!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 19:12:18

I've only read page one so far but wow xenia! I actually thought you were taking the piss as your reasons were so pretentious and shallow!

Op. To me the school you want sounds like the one i would go for as well. Have no idea how you both agree though.

prh47bridge Tue 08-Jan-13 19:03:41

morethanpotatoprints - As has been said up thread that is not the case. Everyone with PR has a right to a say in how a child is educated. The fact that one person is doing the school run does not mean their views take precedence.

UnbridledPositivity Tue 08-Jan-13 15:14:47

You're right, GateGypsy. How he reacts only matters if I care. I have already disengaged a lot, but not 100% yet. One problem is also that we don't have a lot of people around us, so we occasionally take the role of each other's agony aunt. All quite complicated and unhealthy.

GateGipsy Tue 08-Jan-13 14:36:19

OP you're still too emotionally involved with your ex. You need to disengage. So what if he holds a grudge, gets stroppy, won't talk to you nicely, and tries to use percieved slights to his advantage. All of these things only matter to you if you care about them. And you don't anymore. He is your ex and the only person who's feelings matter now is the child the two of you have and are looking to raise together.

Disengage, take a step back from him, and you'll be amazed at how much of his behaviour simply flies over your head in future.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 08-Jan-13 14:14:18

Its solely your decision if you are the one doing school run, unless he wants to take turns.

BranchingOut Tue 08-Jan-13 12:20:23

Let us know what happens!

UnbridledPositivity Mon 07-Jan-13 21:47:12

Yes, this will seem even more ridiculous when DD only gets a place at school C. Though never underestimate my ex's ability to hold a grudge and use perceived slights to his advantage! sad

BranchingOut Mon 07-Jan-13 20:57:16

Well done for getting the form done, hopefully it will be water under the bridge in a few months time.

UnbridledPositivity Mon 07-Jan-13 19:14:10

No, ex is not going to change his involvement, although that's mostly because his working hours are set in stone.

The mediator person (our previous Relate counsellor) couldn't squeeze us in at short notice.

After a bit of a screaming row (we're well classy), he grudgingly agreed to let me put school B first and A second, albeit stressing that he had made a 'compromise', thus ensuring I won't be able to tell him if there are any problems at whichever school DD ends up at, and using it against me in future decisions. No doubt he now thinks I have 'won' or 'got my way'. Somehow it doesn't feel like that to me though, probably because I didn't want to 'win'.

As for how academic DD is - I have no idea: she's 3, she likes skipping, jumping, drawing and having stories read to her. I want to make it possible for her to live in that kind of world for a little while longer - she'll have the rest of her life to focus on academic things.

Tasmania Mon 07-Jan-13 12:32:31

I think it would be unfair to form an opinion about your Ex's decisions on here without hearing his side of the story. And yes, School A may not have made you feel welcome, but things like that can really be subjective. Was your child with you during your visit? I'd be more interested in how they treated your child.

I know a mother who was bl**dy determined that her ds would not fit into private school simply because she did not feel she'd fit in with the other mom's at the school gate. Funny thing is her son would have fitted into the more academic private school a whole damn lot better than the crappy local school he was sent to in the end where, mum felt more comfortable. Her ds never quite got over that, because although his mum and the other mums at that school were alike, the kids were completely different to him. Basically, ds was more like his dad (very academic Oxbridge type) than his mom who left school before A-levels and wasn't really into academics.

So even if you feel you do not fit into School A, you have to think about your dd, and see whether SHE would fit in there. Do you know any of the other kids who go to that school? Which school is more academic, and how academic is your child?

But granted the previously overstressed HT at School A would ring alarm bells inside me...

Ladymuck Mon 07-Jan-13 11:18:28

I really think that you need to look at the admission criteria carefully. If you have next to no chance of admission at one of the 2 schools, then you are stressed about nothing. Alternatively if you would rather get either of school A or school B than your catchment school C, then you must understand how the waiting list works, and again your chances of admission. Bear in mind all of the data is publicly available, although for the maps of previous years you may have to visit in person.

annh Mon 07-Jan-13 09:32:28

So what ARE you going to put on the form this week? The deadline is this weekend! You have run out of time for arguments/compromise/negotiation!

GateGipsy Mon 07-Jan-13 06:58:44

What other choice do you have other than going to court if you are determined to put School B first and he is equally determined to put School A? People have mentioned mediation too. No idea how long this takes and if you've got the time to do it.

NaturalBaby Sun 06-Jan-13 15:28:36

'He has a 'thing' about everything being fair.' He's hardly being fair though is he?!
You are right to make decisions based on his past behaviour and lack of nursery involvement, rather than potential empty promises. He's not going to change his behaviour/involvement overnight is he?

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