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Year 6 Shinanigans... hormones/bullying incidents HELP

(8 Posts)
posh010 Tue 18-Dec-12 19:32:01

My DD (10 but v mature 10) was pushed clean over tonight after Guitar Club by another pupil. The teacher made the pupil apologise which he did, just, to my DD and myself (her Guitar had been dented slightly, so I presume this was the reason for the apology to me).
As she was crying on one side of me whilst he muttered a quick 'sorry' I decided to ask his name as I wasn't sure who he was. When he replied I commented that his name had come up quite a bit recently at home and that if he and my daughter didn't get on, maybe it would be a good idea to give each other some space. And that it was not o.k to hurt her in a temper.
As far as I was concerned, that was it done.
As we left the School I noticed him talking to an adult. I asked my DD whether that was his Mother. As she said it was, I decided it might be a good idea to broach his behaviour today, with her. I felt bad that I hadn't been kinder to him and that I was a bit stern and that as he didn't know me, he may report back to her that I had 'had a go' at him. I thought it better to nip it in the bud right there. I was sure that the teacher had dealt with it but was worried that it would turn into a big thing when it needn't.
Her attitude amazed me. I can quite honestly say nothing prepared me for what followed. I didn't go into detail about the incident, but simply said that he had made a nice apology (exaggerated!) and that I had spoken to him whilst the teacher was there about their recent 'spats'. Maybe they could give each other some space and things would work themselves out better.
She, however, said that there were clearly two sides to every story and that my DD always 'told' on her son and she knew all about her. I tried to keep things on track to just the incident tonight as I didn't think it was necessary to go into detail about the recent joke phone call involving his name, pulling away of chairs leading a sore back, kicking, pushing and name calling. All of which has been upsetting my DD. We've checked with the teacher who is aware of lots of teasing and problems currently going on in Yr 6 but feels that it is all in hand.
I really don't want to get into a big thing and have had a painful reminder that parents are so different. I am quite laid back and believe that children need to work through things and learn. My role is to advise and listen and I do not believe that wading into the school repeatedly would be advantageous.
The other parent stated that she worked in a school (a secondary library) and stated that it was my responsibility to report everything to the school and that that she would be.
So, the long and short of it is... her son physically hurt my daughter but she is reporting... not sure what exactly... to the school.
She was extremely defensive and I feel like I don't know what's just hit me. We didn't agree on even the simplest of things and although I remained clam etc, I was totally unprepared for a confrontation. Especially in front of her son.
And I wonder, what on earth would she have said if I had approached her and been hostile about her son's behaviour. I know plenty of parents that would have tbh.
All comments welcome ...

Toughasoldboots Tue 18-Dec-12 19:37:20

I know that it's after the event but I have learnt never to approach a parent directly. It always goes wrong, it did in my case too.

Parents are generally very defensive about their children and there may be things going on that both sides are unaware of.

I would tell the school exactly what happened and let them deal with it.

oldpeculiar Tue 18-Dec-12 19:45:22

You were very wrong to approach him.You may have seen him push her over, but maybe she said something really horrible to provoke him. You just don't know.

lljkk Tue 18-Dec-12 19:56:59

Are you sure your DD isn't winding him up in some way?

I know my y6 DD can be very acid-tongued & I'm not surprised when my boys lose it with her.

admission Tue 18-Dec-12 20:45:11

The positive from this is that there was a teacher there and that they made the other pupil apologise. So if the other parent does decide to complain in some way, you should have an independent witness to what happened and what was said to the boy.
If I wanted to be very negative, I might suspect that there will be a written complaint that you verbally abused their son coming into school in the next few days. This just confirms my views and that of toughasoldboots that approaching the parent was never going to be a good idea, no matter how genuine your motives.
You do need to consider whether your daughter is "snow white" in this and impress on her that any comments etc to this boy are going to end up with some kind of retaliation. As you quite rightly say both parties need to give plenty of space to allow this to blow over, without it becoming more of an issue than it already is.

posh010 Tue 18-Dec-12 21:03:32

I forgot to say what made him push her over, sorry. They had left the music room to get their bags and he left his Guitar, expecting (in a joking way) for my DD or her friend to bring it for him. He got cross when they didn't. My DD has admitted to saying "I'm not your slave!"
Taken all on board and I wish I hadn't said a thing. I spoke calmly but directly to him with the teacher present, so not too worried.

Toughasoldboots Tue 18-Dec-12 21:56:33

If the teacher was present for the talk, I wouldn't worry. It will be interesting to see how the other parent reports back.
These situations are always difficult.

iseetinselandtantrums Wed 19-Dec-12 15:11:43

Boys who are 10 shouldn't go around shoving others to the floor even if there has been a bit of verbal sparring. It's a disproportionate response.

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