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(21 Posts)
wandymum Fri 07-Dec-12 16:21:55

My son just started reception. His old pre-school teacher babysits for us. When she was here last week she asked after a little girl who she'd also taught who is now in reception with my son. Then she told me that she and the other teachers at the preschool were convinced that this little girl had SEN and they thought she probably had some form of autistic spectrum disorder (sorry if the terminology is all wrong - can't remember her exact phrasing).
They apparently did not go as far as to tell this to her parents hmm.

Now, I would normally just try and forget her indiscretion in telling me this except that I know from the little girl's mum that she is really struggling in reception. Getting in trouble lots, tantrums etc...

So my question is would it help her to pass on the pre-school teacher's suspicions or am I best to keep out of it? I know her mother a little but not well enough to talk to her about it but I could mention it quietly to the reception teacher?

Total minefield, but I can't help thinking that if the girl needs extra help it would probably be better to get it in place sooner rather than later.

Would really love some advice.

IndigoBelle Fri 07-Dec-12 16:39:40

My DS's reception and nursery teacher thought he had ASD - but didn't tell me.

Nobody told me till a (not very close) friend did when he was in Y3

I would have really appreciated knowing earlier.

printmeanicephoto Fri 07-Dec-12 16:40:36

How would you tell mother or teacher without letting on who it is that's given you info and getting your babysitter into trouble (she might also become an ex-babysitter!)

It's likely that the pre-school would have passed their concerns onto school, I would have thought, when she moved up. But I might be wrong.

Difficult one, as you don't want the girl to struggle unecessarily.

admission Fri 07-Dec-12 18:03:10

This is a difficult one. I don't think you can go to the school or mother directly, without it being apparent where the information came from.
Would it be possible to sow the seed in the mind of the mother, so that she could ask the school - I knew another parent whose daughter also had lots of tantrums and the school tested them and found they had some kind of special needs, not sure what it was.

Aranea Fri 07-Dec-12 18:09:31

I really don't think you can say anything directly to the mother. I think I would probably speak to the reception teacher, explaining the conversation and the awkward position you feel you are now in. Then at least the school can observe and form their own opinion and speak to the child's mother if they feel it is appropriate.

CarlingBlackMabel Fri 07-Dec-12 18:14:25

Persuade the pre-school teacher to tell the SENCO at the school. Don't reports get passed over when a child moves from pre-school to reception?

Or persuade the pre-school teacher to talk to the Mum.

CarlingBlackMabel Fri 07-Dec-12 18:15:01

Admission's suggestion is a good one.

Aranea Fri 07-Dec-12 18:20:17

I would be v wary of dropping hints to the mother. She may well be defensive and upset, and although in the long run she might thank you if her daughter does have special needs, it may very well turn out that she does not, in which case she could feel that you are criticising her child.

mrz Fri 07-Dec-12 18:25:10

if pre school had concerns it should be documented and the EY SENCO should have been involved ... and all paperwork sent to the school. Teachers/staff are advised not to suggest that a child has a specific condition/disorder as they aren't qualified to make a diagnosis.

wandymum Fri 07-Dec-12 19:53:12

Thank you all for your suggestions.

The pre-school has a good reputation here (London) mainly because the kids who go there tend to breeze through the local prep school interviews. They knew the girl's parents girls wanted her to go to a certain school and I suspect they sat on saying or doing anything in case it came up in the interview process and stopped her getting a place.

Not that I'm condoning that but around here there is such a scrabble for prep school places that I'm pretty sure that's what has happened.

I think I may try and have a quiet word with the reception teacher - based on what IndigoBelle said I think I'd never forgive myself if I kept quiet and it turned out there was a problem and she'd been left to struggle.

mrz Fri 07-Dec-12 19:57:05

Have you considered the implications for your babysitter in doing so?

wandymum Fri 07-Dec-12 20:04:29

I imagined the reception teacher would just take it on board and then make her own assessment of the girl but I suppose there is a chance she might call the pre-school for more info.

Bloody hell, this is a moral maze.

LynetteScavo Fri 07-Dec-12 20:06:48

The babysitter has really overstepped the line.

She is a professional, and should have said nothing to you about someone elses child.

But the reception teacher is also a professional, and I expect she already has started the process rolling to get things in place for this DC.

You need to trust the school to sort this.

If you feel the need to do anything, you could speak to the mother directly, as a friend.

LynetteScavo Fri 07-Dec-12 20:08:32

What you say to the mother, though needs to be carefully thought out.

At this stage, the school will not be saying they suspect the child is on the autistic spectrum, even if they do.

A decent teacher/school will put things in place to help the child, though, long before a diagnosis.

mrz Fri 07-Dec-12 20:10:31

No the reception teacher would see that your babysitter has acted in a highly unprofessional manner in talking to you and if your suspicion is correct and the preschool has withheld information I imagine any trust between settings would be lost.

cansu Fri 07-Dec-12 20:45:51

I think you need to stay out of it. The most you should do is try and plant the seed with the mother that maybe she should investigate whether her dd is having difficulties due to an underlying problem. I wouldnt even mention asd tbh.

DeWe Sat 08-Dec-12 08:23:22

Don't speak to the teacher. That would be awful.

Wouldn't you feel furious as a parent that you had an old teacher, a fellow parent at the school (who may well have discussed it with others) and a current teacher all discussing your child without your knowledge?

I would have thought the only way you can do anything is suggest to your babysitter than rather gossipping with a third party (and it is gossiping, she could have asked after this child just as her old teacher interested, without mentioning any suggestions of sn) that maybe she should write to the current school and say they had concerns which we never investigated.

But if the preschool noticed then I'd expect the school to notice more so. generally these things without intervention become more obvious.

educator123 Sat 08-Dec-12 10:58:40

Maybe you could talk to the babysitter and see if the information was passed onto the school.

Ineedpigsinblankets Sat 08-Dec-12 12:20:49

Afaiac, the preschool cannot actually be that good if they are not sharing vital info about children with parents or schools!

Surely they should be doing what is best for the child and that includes making sure that all relevant information especially with regard to special needs is shared with everyone involved with the child.

Hiding children with special needs only achieves one thing and that is damage to the child.

I think you should ask the person to contact the parents of the child and discuss what they have done and the reasons that they did it. Then the family can decide what to do with that information.

I feel sorry for the little girl who's needs are probably not being metsad

RaisinBoys Sat 08-Dec-12 15:34:52

The pre-school teacher is gossiping to another parent about a child formerly in her care!

She should not be gossiping.

You should not be acting on gossip.

This information should have been passed on by the pre-school. If the pre-school teacher doesn't think it has, she should go through the appropriate channels to make sure it is. Tell her that, then stay out of it.

The pre-school teacher is not an expert in diagnosing SEN.

You say you don't know the mother "well enough to talk to her about it", but you seem to know her well enough for her to confide that her DD is "really struggling in Reception" confused

GW297 Sat 08-Dec-12 17:12:21

The school will have picked up on it. Don't say anything to the little girl's mother or the school. Stop your babysitter if she is about to disclose anything that would make you feel like this again.

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