WWYD: How should I handle DS's 'friend'?

[birdsnotbees]

DS (5) is in reception. He has a friend he knows from nursery (same school) who isn't very nice: last year he used to push DS over (so much so that he fell & hit his head twice & I had to go into the school to sort it out), he plays mind games ('you're not my friend' etc.), constantly lies and makes stuff up, calls people names and does things like flick my DS with rubber bands when they're waiting in line.

DS is pretty quiet and stoic, doesn't complain, is quite reserved and rarely tells a teacher if he's upset about something. I have worked hard to teach him that how this boy behaves is wrong & that he needs to tell him so (or tell a teacher). Sometimes he does, more often not.

I know the boy's mum & she wants my DS to go back to theirs next week for tea but I'm not that confident she'll keep an eye on them. I've been to the park with her, for example, and she let her DS hit other children with sticks. Until I told him not to, at which point she lamely said 'oh XX that's not very nice' & he completely ignored her.

WWYD? Let DS go back to their house next week? I haven't spoken to DS's new teacher yet but may do soon - I've been waiting to see whether the 'friend' had improved any over the summer holidays as I know all kids go through unpleasant phases. I guess I'm worried as they're now in the classes they'll stay in all through primary school and I don't want my DS to think this is normal behaviour or for it to escalate later into bullying - I need DS to stand up for himself too and am not sure of the best way of helping him do that.

I was going to let him go but then today he told me of yet another incident of unpleasantness last week and now I really don't know.

[midseasonsale]

No don't let DS go back to his house. You could maybe say that your son finds the rough play a little too much

I would put the teacher fully in the picture.

[Pancakeflipper]

I would say "oh sorry, we can't."

Them I would have a chat with the teacher on whose company your child likes and ask your son. Then invite those kids over.

You could always ask round and watch like a hawk.

[Pancakeflipper]

Ask round the pushingoverkid..... Grrr mobiles.

[avivabeaver]

My advice
This boy is a classmate not a friend. He does not behave like a friend, and the quickest way your son will understand this is if you act accordingly.

Tell the mum that your son is not keen and leave it. Tell the teacher what your son has told you.

[Pagwatch]

What does your son want?

I can understand your concerns as you don't sound as though you trust the mother to support your son in her house.
If your son wants to be friends could he come to you - you could be all over him about playing nicely over see things.

You should also tell the teacher as others have suggested.

[HappyTurquoise]

Agree with all the above, particularly on getting to know the other families of his classmates and inviting round the better behaved ones. Leave the bully behind, ignore and leave out of out of school contact. Build friendships with the others.Tell the teacher in confidence exactly what has happened.
We had a similar situation with dd1 and it only really improved for her in the following school year when the other girls in her class (who were already good friends from before school) faced up to the bully and told her she could join in when she stopped being nasty. They were actually doing the bully a favour. (Her mum was a bully too, so she lived by example).

[birdsnotbees]

Thanks everyone. I did wonder whether I was overreacting a bit. My son really likes this little boy, that's the problem - I worked hard last year to build a wider friendship circle for him which has worked but despite me raising my concerns with the nursery last year they still put my son and this boy in the same small reception class together (grrr).

So he has lots of other friends but does like playing with this boy.

I just think being around someone who is so unpredictable is horrible - and I speak as someone who had a friend like that (and dumped her after many years of putting up with the shit as she was so much fun when she wanted to be).

I will raise it with his new teacher and ask her to keep an eye out for it. Not sure about this week - I've said yes and my DS really wants to go. I can't go with him (as at work)... argh!

[socharlotte]

I'd let him go.if your DC still likes this boy , he can't be upsetting him all that much!

[sadmum1000]

I've had the same thing with DS for a few years now except his friend's behaviour is even worse. It's v difficult as DS really likes him and they play together at school. I did let him go for a few tea dates but didn't invite the friend back so eventually the tea date invites dried up. Hasn't stopped them playing together at school though :-(