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Problems with hitting and reception ds, help!

(6 Posts)
roadkillbunny Tue 16-Oct-12 13:46:07

Had the start of the day nobody wants this morning when while dropping children off at school I got pulled aside by ds's teacher to ask me if I could come in after school on Thursday for a chat about ds's needs around his speech issues because they have been having problems at play times when out in the whole school playground, she went on to tell me he wouldn't be allowed out there to play today as on Friday and yesterday there were instances of violence. He will have a chance to run around and blow off. Steem in the reception play area but then have to come in rather then have the whole break with all the other children.

I wish they had told me sooner so I could have spoken with and given sanctions to ds at home but I understand that on Friday they hoped it had been delt with and yesterday the teacher was unable to be around at home time. The school are exerlent and deal with issues really well and effectively but that now feel they need more input from me due to ds's needs.

From the start of this paragraph I want to make it completely clear that I fully support the school, I agree with the sanction (because its not just punishment it also removes him from the situation causing the issues) and I also know and understand that violent behaviour (I think it is hitting and pushing but was only able to talk with the teacher very quickly this morning) is completely unacceptable and ds's behaviour is effecting other children and can not be condoned or excused.
However now I need to explain why we are having these problems. Ds has very delayed speech, he currently has the speech of an 2.5 to 3 year old and he is 4.5 years old, what he can say is extremely hard to understand, he gas no anunsiation and misses out the first and last sounds in most words. He had bi lateral glue ear from the age of 2 -3 that unfortunately wasn't picked up on until he had already started so self resolve. His comprehension is exerlent, his understanding of how language works is beyond his age expectation. He is a sharp and able boy who can read more then he can say and has a natural feeling for numbers and a love of all thing computer, he coded his first bit of lynix when he was 2!
He sufferes from a great deal of frustration in regards to his communication, he lashes out when this frustration peaks. His peers found out very quickly that things can be blamed on the child who can explain themselves and that he is easy to wind up while you sit back and watch it all kick off. This is not the other children's fault, they are just children doing what children do, they do not deserve to be hit so ds needs to learn how to manage and direct his frustration and to call in adult help when needed.

I am not 100% sure what to do with this, he is under speech therapy although they want to wait for his speech to mature more before doing any actual therapy, his teacher is now on the case as well pushing for more active involvement and support. I will sit down and talk to him about how to deal with playground problems again, my instincts are saying to pug a sanction in at home like losing his much valued computer time (I think this is one the school could also use to good effect, his computer time is presious to him, he would be on some gadget or other 24 hours a day if you let him) but I am not sure that's appropriate given he has had a punishment at school. I just want to drive it home to him that it matters not what anyone said or did, you do not use violence against another living thang, ever!

Can anyone offer me any ideas of support, having issues like this is so new to me, dd is so different, she had her own speech issues bug she delt with frustration in a very mild manored way, it would be unthinkable to her the very idea if raising a fist. I feel like a first timmer with all this, my expireance with dc is just no use at all other to know the school are doing everything they can to help ds.
Thanks for reading (sorry for errors I am on phone and have disabilities that make typing and seeing a challenge)

roadkillbunny Tue 16-Oct-12 13:53:26

Shoot sorry ignore this double post please!

DeWe Tue 16-Oct-12 14:12:46

Ds is very similar, only his speech is better. He has some SALT but only a little.

What I found is a behaviour book helped. When he'd made a "bad choice" we'd discuss what he should have done. I'd be "sad" rather than impose an extra sanction. If he'd had a particularly good day I might let him have a treat at home. That way I knew what had gone on, rather than relying on his evidence.

Also it gave him chance to discuss with me when he felt he'd been unfairly treated. One child used to come up and do the same thing (eg moving a piece of jigsaw puzzle out) several times. He'd tell him not to do it, but on about 3rd to 4th time he'd lash out. Then said child complains and ds gets sanctioned. Then I'd talk to him about going to find an adult (school knew this was a problem-they were the ones who told me initially) but emphasise that he still shouldn't hit.

And it meant that we could see flashpoints. Lunch was a problem because he just couldn't cope with the noise. So the lunchtime ladies knew to watch him, and if he was getting stressed, then send him on a "job"

He's now in year 1 and generally things are better. It's not as noisy, so he can hear better. He likes the more structure, because he knows what's happening, rather than trying to hear what's happening.

roadkillbunny Tue 16-Oct-12 14:35:44

Thank you for the support and advice, I think that a way of passing daily info about behaviour between home and school is a very good idea and I will pursue that with school and I am also (with some reluctance because I really need him to understand hitting is not ever acceptable) thinking that being sad about it and having a chat is the way to go tonight but he also won't be having any treats (wish I had know yesterday before he had a treat for his after school snack!).

Talking to him and asking him to tell me about what has happened is a big of a non starter as it quickly becomes talking at him as he just doesn't have the language to be a part of that conversation, he is completely unable to do this, the best you can get when asking about his day is for example 'drum' and then you have to talk around this and figure out that what he is wanting to say is 'we had music today and I played the drum' most of the time you can't get anything about his day, his mindset is also very in the now although when I had a quick word with him this morning he clearly knew what I was referring to from his body language.

The noise thing is another interesting point, he finds loud noises in a certain range of pitch and tone very hard to deal with. We kitted him out with some eat defenders for starting school but of course he has not had to use them as he is coping with these noises really well at the moment and hasn't asked for his defenders. You have got me thinking that maybe he finds the noise of the whole school playground and the space and so many activities all happening at once a little tough to cope with, not really sure how to deal with that though.

I want to try and think of a way he can use the speech he has to tell a teacher there is s problem, right now I would guess (as it is what he would do at home) he would go to a teacher, take their hand and pull them over to what ever the issue is and the poor teacher would be left to try and figure out what in earth is happening! When he does this at home I make him stop and try and tell me what's the problem I most often just get the offenders name but we are working in it, I feel ds may benefit from having some kind if universal way he can get and adults help and get his point across but I am at a bit of a loss, the only thing I can think of is some kind of conversation picture clue card but I worry he would be reliant on that abc stop trying to use words, he can be very verbally lazy!

roadkillbunny Tue 16-Oct-12 17:17:11

Giving a shameless bump as had chat to teacher after school and have come away feeling rather sad and emotional for my little boy. Given I have already written allot I won't go into the new stuff unless someone asks/replies to this other then to say ds had a good day until story time right before home when he scratched a little boys face completely unprovoked. I feel so sad for the poor little lad who got scratched, he didn't come to school to have that done to him and his mum didn't drop him off in schools care for him to be attacked, I can see the post about it in my head sad
I have long had the feeling that there is more then just speech issues going on with ds and the teacher feels that I could possibly be right. That's good, I know that, we are very lucky to have a school that won't rest in their drive to give ds all he needs and won't just label him a naughty boy but I feel so sad for him to, I can feel we have a great deal ahead of us.
Sorry I said I would keep my shameless bump short, please if there is anyone who can help or just tell me they have been here are are in the same place now I could really do with knowing we aren't the only ones and things can get better.

auntevil Tue 16-Oct-12 17:28:45

If you have long had a feeling that there might be something going on other than the S and L issues, then I would do a couple of things.
Firstly go to your GP and ask to be referred to a developmental paediatrician. Explain your concerns, and those that have been brought to your attention by school. Development paeds will be able to see if there is something, or nothing to have concerns about. If there are concerns, they will be able to get the ball rolling with relevant consultants and other health professionals.
Secondly, book an appointment to see the school SENco (can book through school office if you don't know who has that job in your school). The SENco will ask the teacher for input, and might also invite the teacher to join. You need to sit down and work out a plan of action to help your DS with difficult times at school. Everyone involved needs to know the plan and stick to the plan to try to make an improvement.
Remember to work with the school as they seem to be supportive and can help with strategies.

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