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If he's happy when he's there then why doesn't he want to go?

(18 Posts)
DoubleDoubleTwigletTrouble Mon 15-Oct-12 11:12:22

DS just started in YR and most days he says he doesn't want to go. Apart from a wobble at the start he is fine when he's in (his lovely teacher reassurred me on this). He always tells me he's enjoyed his day and says it was fun. So why does he keep saying he doesn't want to go?! Anybody else's child do this? It's not just saying goodbye that's the problem - he says and does a few things which make me know it goes deeper than that and he absolutely isn't doing it to make me feel guilty, which is the line usually trotted out in such situations smile He can't tell me why he doesn't want to go; he says "I just don't want to." I wonder if children at this age are able to understand the concept of 'but you enjoy it when you get there'?

DoubleDoubleTwigletTrouble Mon 15-Oct-12 11:13:42

Oh, when I said 'a wobble at the start', I meant when he first started in September, not at the start of each day.

CarpeJugulum Mon 15-Oct-12 11:17:15

I said this alot to my mum. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, more I didn't want to leave her IYSWIM.

mummytime Mon 15-Oct-12 11:34:44

Some kids don't like "transitions" of any kind, especially at this age. So don't like going to school, don't like "different" days in school, don't like coming home, don't like going anywhere.

It can be helpful to give them a visual timetable, and warn them about changes. Maybe say "In five minutes we will be leaving the house for school." And so on.

colditz Mon 15-Oct-12 11:37:26

Was coming on to say its probably a dislike of transitions. Ds2 was like this, but it is lessening as he gets closer to 7, despite it being year two and actually a lot more is expected of him!

His school refusing coincided with other refusing as well, getting dressed, getting undressed, coming to the table, getting into bed, and like with school, once I had forced the transition, he was perfectly happy, even in bed!

rrbrigi Mon 15-Oct-12 11:49:06

Children can enjoy, like different things in the same time and they have preferences like adult. E.g.: When somebody ask you do you like coffe or tea? You say you I like tea better. It does not mean if you get a coffe you won't drink it because you hate it, just it means you like tea better. Your child enjoys the time in school, but probably if he could choose he would choose to spend the whole day with you or with his daddy.

fedupwithmorningbattles Mon 15-Oct-12 11:52:21

Hi double

I posted similar thread a few days back but didn't get a reply..can't even remember what section it was in!

My Dd (3 1/2) is the same, she started in sept (afternoons) at that time she was getting frustrated because she wanted to go when we dropped her older brother off in the morning. Then 2 days into full time when I collected her she would tell me she didn't like her new school and she didn't want to go again..this then progressed to the morning when she saw her uniform she said the same and also that she didn't like her new teacher. Yet I have watched her closely in a morning, somedays she ambles in-somedays bounces in (seems to depend which teacher is waiting at the door) and also what kind of a mood she was in when she woke (Dd really is not a morning person grin.

There have been a few things I have taken into account-

1) She has been by my side since she was born.
2) Its mainstream nursery so IMHO they expect a small child to do much more (be spoken to about something and expect them to listen and not really respond i.e crying or sulking etc, well Dd's nursery does anyways), Ds attended a private nursery when he was 1 1/2 and the staff to child ratio made it easier for him to be away from me I think, but we started to experience problems when he attended a larger mainstream nursery at 3 and ever since thinking about it.
3) The staff may do things a little different than I do at home..so I suppose along with the changes above its a lot for a child to get used to all at once.
4) She has also had colds since she started which seems to be the norm, so she was probably feeling a little low and wanted her mummy anyway.

I have come to the conclusion that she doesn't like some aspects of school but on a whole does enjoy it, So as long as she doesn't become withdrawn or her characteristics don't dramatically change I am just going to go with the flow (although there have been days that I have thought It wouldn't hurt for her to pull a sicky grin but I resisted!). I would rather she gets used to it now because in a way they are preparing the Dc for things to come!

DoubleDoubleTwigletTrouble Tue 16-Oct-12 10:29:52

Thanks, all. Sorry you're going through the same thing, fedup. Interesting about therefusal of other things, Colditz, as my DS also does that. Aw, I wish he could just go for half days instead of full days - I think he'd love it then.

RillaBlythe Tue 16-Oct-12 10:56:24

My DD says every day that she doesn't want to go because she hates playtime, she's lonely & it's too long. She enjoys the rest of it though. Half term next week & it's been the same since she started, makes me feel sad.

I think it's too much too young for some reception kids.

DoubleDoubleTwigletTrouble Tue 16-Oct-12 11:43:32

It is definitely too much, too young, Rilla! My DS is the oldest in the class and he's still much too young for it... I can't bear it sad

lljkk Tue 16-Oct-12 12:05:39

Because he loves & misses you. smile

mummytime Tue 16-Oct-12 12:54:51

RillaBlythe do talk to the teacher about your daughter saying she hates playtime, maybe they could introduce a "friendship bench" or "friend bus-stop" to help children find others to play with.
Something else I have found helpful, is if possible to spy on my children at play time, it is really enlightening if you watch them sometimes, as they may be playing quite a lot. Another aspect is that for small children if they come out saying they've had an awful day and no one is their friend, it could just be that something happened in the last 5 minutes or so. Recent events seem much bigger to them than events some hours before.

RillaBlythe Tue 16-Oct-12 13:06:19

mummytime I have raised it a couple of times with the teacher but have been sort of brushed off - in a very pleasant sort of way! Feel like I am nagging them if I go in again. There is a friendship bench - actually I must talk to DD about that as she has never mentioned it, I don't know if it operates IYKWIM.

I feel sad today as I did happen to spy on her at play time & she was by herself. I live one street away from school & am at home with DD2 so it would be perfectly possible for me to take her home for lunch, & I have considered doing that. But I don't think it would help in the long run.

doubledoubletwiglettrouble if only it were half days in Reception I think it would be fine. Awful feeling that the wrong thing is happening & your hands are tied.

gabsid Tue 16-Oct-12 13:26:59

DD (just turned 4) asks me every morning what we are doing today, and if I say pre-school she will moan and say: "oh no, not again". She seems to have had a good time when I pick her up but says that she wouldn't want to come again.

She said that she doesn't play with anyone and that she wants to but the others don't want to be her friends. During the summer she always found some friends to play with in the park and while camping, although she was always very shy with adults.

Lately, I feel she is becoming shyer and doesn't appear to stand up for herself so much. Today before going in we waited outside and DD looked in through a small window. A boy came up to her and shouted at her loudly: "go away" so that he could look. DD stepped away and was close to tears. sad I looked around to see who the mother was but couldn't identify anybody, so I had a word with the boy myself. I later noticed that mum was standing almost behind him at the time confused.

mummytime Tue 16-Oct-12 16:36:34

If the teacher is brushing you off, but you have observed it yourself, then make an appointment to speak to her and discuss your worries and explain what you have observed. Encourage them to get a TA or student teacher or someone to observe your daughter in the playground.

This happened with my daughter in year 6 and they were surprised to discover that what I had been saying for up to 18 months was true; and by that stage my daughter didn't play with anyone but sat and read in the playground. Sometimes even with the best schools and teachers you have to persevere to get them to take you seriously.

Elibean Tue 16-Oct-12 16:52:58

dd1 has always been happy at school. She has always come out smiling at home time, her teachers have always confirmed she seems happy, she has always been having a good time if I've popped in on PTA business etc unannounced and spotted her in the playground.

BUT she was always upset at the start in YR, and most of Y1, and some of Y2 - and said she didn't want to go.

Very simply, she just didn't like the feeling of separation from home/me. She loved school, she just didn't like leaving me all day. It wasn't to make me feel guilty, and it wasn't just 'saying goodbye' - it did go deeper than that, but it wasn't about school. It was about growing up, about having a small sister, about coping away from the safety of babyhood and home, oh all sorts....

Now in Y4 and can talk about it when it happens, and would die rather than admit it to her friends, but is still a home-girl at heart!!

gabsid Tue 16-Oct-12 16:57:03

I agree with mummytime, making an appointment, that takes it to a more formal level. I tend to ask them what could be done before asking them to do something. DS is saying he plays with no-one in Y3, new school, on the other hand he talks about the climbing frame and talks about other people - will ask at parents eve next week.

Perseverance will work - in DS's infant school it took me 3 months to get DS's maths reassessed and he was moved up 3 table groups. They just wouldn't believe that work was too easy and would brush me off in a polite manner. And I feel I am doing the same again now in Junior school, again, DS says maths is so easy it hidious. I have spoken to them once so far, but the point is that my dreamy, immature DS isn't listening well and doesn't do 'fast', so he always seems to be put at the bottom.

DoubleDoubleTwigletTrouble Tue 16-Oct-12 17:15:59

Elibean, your post rings very true with me. That sounds very much like my DS and makes an awful lots of sense.

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