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FRIENDSHIPS year 5 GIRLS... what's your experience?

(16 Posts)
Kob72 Thu 26-Jan-12 13:34:26

My dd1 is in year 5 and moved school 18 months ago. she is a popular girl with a good number of friends but is very sensitive in many ways. she is very mature for her age and tends to dwell on things. she is genuinely good natured but can be bossy.

although she assures me that she is generally happy at school, she is regularly upset by incidences of being left out, witnessing spitefulness towards other children (or being on the receiving end herself). there is also tension as a result of the behaviour of a very controlling member of her group of friends.

she seems genuinely mystified at the lack of empathy that her peers show each other and the level of unkindness that seems rife in the class.

my question is my dd unusually sensitive or do your similar aged girls experience upsets on a weekly (at least) basis? ... trying to get some perspective as its hard to know how much is just this age phase, and how much is down to her personality/ the new school.

Kob72 Thu 26-Jan-12 13:53:41


Downnotout Thu 26-Jan-12 14:39:41

Oh my goodness. You could be me.
Going to read through again then will comment.

Downnotout Thu 26-Jan-12 15:09:50

Year 5 is an awful time with girls. There are streaks of hormones just starting to kick in.

It sounds that like us, the dynamics in your dDs friendship group/ class is a difficult one. My dD is definitely on the sensitive side although outwardly bright and bubbly. She too does not understand why others feel able to say horrible things to her when she would never dream of saying such hurtful things to anyone else.

She said last week that she just wants them to understand how it feels when someone says those things to you.

I speak to her form teacher if there are incidents that escalate or carry on for a couple of days. In our case it is a very small year group and only a handful of girls. This means that if the bossy girl ( I don't want to use the label bully, I understand she has her own issues) decides that so and so can't play/ join in then no one else can ply with her either. I think the others go along with it as they are afraid if they don't it will be their turn.

It is a roller coaster. Some weeks are awful, with DD not wanting to go into school. (last week)! The teacher has tried various tacks to deal with it. She is aware who is the ringleader, who is the follower, who is the stirrer, who doesn't get involved and who just wants everyone to be friends.

Last week, after trying everything else she advised DD that it was time to stand up for herself. She had been called stupid, ugly and fat. So she told the other girl she had to take a look at herself, as she was the fat one and shouldn't be calling anyone else fat. Cue tears from the other girl, and her other friend falling out with DD because she had been so mean. I don't think that was a good thing to do and said so to DD and her teacher.

Basically, I have no good answers for you. We have tried having different girls for play dates, having the bossy one for play dates (she can be lovely if you're in favour) I try to explain that because A feels bad about herself she says things to make others feel bad and that makes A feel better. But that doesn't stop DD being hurt by all this. I have also said you can't ever get on with everyone in life and that you will always come across people like that.

So far I have held off from talking to the other girls parents. I fear there would be a scene as their DD can do no wrong. The same thing was happening between A and another girl in class. It all got very nasty. That child ended up leaving the school.!

All in all, just reassure as much as you can. Try and show them how the nasty words aren't true, and emphasise the good things to give them confidence.

Kob72 Thu 26-Jan-12 15:20:19

gosh yes, a very similar situation! what a relief it is not just dd bring over sensitive!

i have even done some assertiveness role play scenarios with dd so that she can practice standing up to one particular girl more firmly.

she is also in a freindship group of 3 girls, which is always tricky. the dominant one takes turns in trying to manipulate the other 2 (of which my dd is one) so that one is always left out eg talking in a loud and obvious manner about the fact that they are meeting up at each others houses to the exclusion of one of them.

dd gets distraught.

she also witnesses a very powerful girl- not an immediate friend- regularly (bullying?)/ being spiteful to another but fears the backlash in confronting the situation. this girl wields so much power that dd would end up being osterasized (sp) by going against her. its all i can do to stop myself marching into the school on a weekly basis! (been in twice since sept, tho)

tis horrid.

Jux Thu 26-Jan-12 15:25:06

Year 5. Horrible horrible horrible.

I have a friend who stopped teaching about 10 years ago. When dd had problems in Y5 I had a quick chat with her about it. As soon as I said Y5, she shuddered!!

Kob72 Thu 26-Jan-12 16:55:48

the thing is, teenage girls are also bitchy, so am i stuck with this until they start to mature around age 17? 18?

Downnotout Thu 26-Jan-12 17:01:14

It is heartbreaking. You know they need to toughen up but when it is constant it is so hard.

Especially if the clever one knows how to turn on the tears just as the teacher arrives! Luckily our form teacher can see through all that, but that hasn't always been the case.

Girls can be really nasty.

crypes Thu 26-Jan-12 17:05:16

My DD is in yr 6, and i am absolutely fed up with the constant daily stories of bullying and bitchiness, my DD can not stand up for herself and some of the other girls dont seem too either, its true that when there is a friendship of three one of them seems they have to assert themselves and try and make a twosome. The teachers seem to be oblivious to it most of the time, especially as one girl is an absolute bully with no conscience what so ever.

LIZS Thu 26-Jan-12 17:07:09

Year 5 was hideous for dd last year , Year 6 is a little better socially but nwo we have boyfriend/girlfirned scenarios appearing.

Kob72 Thu 26-Jan-12 17:14:43

it is truly heartbreaking.

i am going to surprise you all and confess that i actually taught year 5 for many years, when my own dds were younger. i didnt mention this earlier in my Op as this thread is about being a parent, not a teacher. smile

sure, i dealt with upsets between girls, but often the things that are upsetting are subtle and do go undetected. i also didnt appreciate the extent to which the seemingly small upsets that occur in school are taken home and dwelt upon.

stealthsquiggle Thu 26-Jan-12 17:15:07

As the parent of a Y5 boy I have observed from a safeish distance the behaviour of Y5 girls and I dread my DD getting to this age. They are just so mean to each other... I am currently incredibly proud of DS for refusing to take sides in a grudge match because, in his words "I didn't hear what was actually said, so I have no way of knowing which of them is telling the truth" but it seems that almost everyone else is taking sides. DS has currently concluded that since girls are illogical, he just can't understand them grin although when they choose to get together to wind him up (because he rises, and they find that amusing) he does come home incredibly upset, and angry, and needing to vent because he has managed not to completely lose his temper at school.

To your OP, though - I know several of the (small group of) girls in DS's year who do indeed experience upsets and I am afraid I don't really know what the answer is - I shall now lurk and take notes for reference in 4 years time...

stealthsquiggle Thu 26-Jan-12 17:18:20

FWIW - "You know they need to toughen up but when it is constant it is so hard" also applies to sensitive boys - and the vast majority of the subtle, nasty things which he dwells on and cries over (once well out of sight of school) come from the girls - boys (at this age, and on the whole) are a lot less subtle about how they pick on people, and it therefore gets picked up and dealt with by the teachers far sooner, IME.

Kob72 Thu 26-Jan-12 17:25:03

stealth, i agree re the subtle menace of girls!

pilates Thu 26-Jan-12 17:31:44

The sad thing is some girls seems to thrive on arguing and upsetting each other. They love the falling out and making up. My DD 10 doesn't, she just wants a quite life and to be friends with everyone.

Sistersweet Tue 26-Apr-16 18:14:13

Total bump of a zombie thread but I feel so much better. I've had a couple of weeks of so and so won't let me play, these people are leaving me out, I HATE that one, this one is mean etc etc and it's so good to see this is normal. It doesn't help that every suggestion we make about playing something else or talking to the teacher is rebuffed. She's a popular girl, has sleepovers lined up for the next 4 weeks but she can't see that. She just thinks people are being mean to her (and I suspect that she gives as good as she gets).

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