Friendships in Year 1

[rowyourboat]

My DD made a best friend last year whilst she was in reception and they moved this year into the same Year 1 class. They play together at break and lunch and they also have playdates outside of school. Both sets of parents like the friendship, they have a lot of fun together.

At parents evening last week, her teacher suggested that it wasn't good for them to play together all the time and that she would gently encourage both girls to form other friendships. She said that my DD, whilst not bossy, was the more dominant character in the friendship and often led the games they played. I agreed that this strategy would be good, particularly as we live overseas and she is at an international school with a big turnover of children each year. Her friend will be leaving at the end of next year. My DD likes and talks to the other girls in her class but prefers to play with her friend at break and says they often invite other children to play with them, especially if they see anyone on their own.

Yesterday she came home from school and said that she was really sad because her teacher had told them they weren't allowed to play with each other in the playground anymore and said they both had to make new friends. I asked her who she played with and she told me the names of two of her classmates that she liked but she said she didn't enjoy their games, she thought they were dangerous because it involved walking in the playground with their eyes closed where they might bump into things. My DD can be overly sensible sometimes . Whilst I understand and agree that my DD should be encouraged to form other friendships, I think this was a harsh way for the teacher to have gone about it. It's the last day of school today anyway so it seems an odd time to have chosen to enforce this.

Just looking for views on this really. Should I ask her teacher not to keep them apart, or should I trust her judgement on this one? Looking back, I'm fairly sure I played almost exclusively with my best friend early on in primary school. Is it important to have a wide group of friends at 5? I don't want my DD to be unnecessarily sad at school by being separated from her BF. But is her social development more important, eg to make friends who aren't going to follow her lead all the time? And I don't want her to be bereft when her BF leaves the country. I know the teacher has their best interests at heart, I really like her. But I thought she'd be more subtle in her encouragement for them to play other children. Any advice? Thanks!

[redskyatnight]

DD's school (DD is also Y1) deliberately splits up very close friends when they move up a year. So this year DD was split up from her best friend from Reception. I'm surprised your school didn't do the same thing really.

It does seem a bit harsh to ask them not to play together at all, but perhaps they won't otherwise search out new playmates if they know they can just stick together? if they see each other lots outside school anyway I guess this approach might work.

DD does have a wide circle of friends (though some are better friends than others!) and I (personally) think this is preferable at this age - DS has had 1 best friend since Reception and it can be very hard for him when his friend is away or when they fall out. It's also good for them to learn to get on with a variety of others.

[savoycabbage]

My dd has a friend who takes her over and does not like it if she plays with other children. I am friends with her mother and coincidently our oldest children are best friends.

We just found out that our girls will be in the same class best year and my friend is thrilled and I am not. I want my dd to be able to make new friends and play with other children when she starts school. And i will be telling the teacher that I would like her to keep her eye on the friendship.

[RedNoseBabyGiraffes]

I am new to the school thing (dd is in reception) and find the whole splitting up friendships really cruel. I am sure there is a way to encourage making new friends without telling a child they are not allowed to play with their best friends?
You wouldn't get away with this with an adult in a work situation. Can you imagine a boss telling a team that gets on very well that sorry, you must now make new friends and can't speak to your colleage any more???

[RedNoseBabyGiraffes]

'colleague'

[fufflebum]

I agree with you RedNoseBabyGiraffes as it seems strange to me to split up childrens friendships.

At our school they have a lucky dip play time where children all pull a name out of the hat and play with them one break out of two. This is a much more positive way of enabling kids to experience play with others without them being told not to play with certain children when they are their friends.

Personally I believe that if children are able to develop strong friendships with one or two people they can then transfer this to other children should they have to move of their best friends leave.

I have seen my DD (age 7) friendships change and develop over time without the negative 'interference' of adults.

[Lovefruitsandvegs]

Last year in Reception my DS formed a very close relationship with another boy. Later I found out the boy's family was going to move back to their home country. I asked the teacher to encourage my DS to play with other children but he did not want it. So all RY he played with that boy. I told him many times that the boy was going to go back to his home country but my DS did not really think of what I was telling to him. So in Y1 he was left with no friends. Till this time he has no close friends. Every time I ask him who did he play with, he says, "by himself". I feel really sorry for him. The teachers do not really help him, so during the break times he wonders around alone. One mum, however, asked me whether I would like to arrange a play date. She says her DS often talks about my DS. Hopefully, things will work out in the New Year. :)
Regarding your post: I do not think it was clever to separate the girls like that harshly. It is a bit traumatic for the girls and they should think of other ways how to engage them playing separately.

[savoycabbage]

The teacher didn't really handle it too well if that's what she said. There are lots of ways she could have encouraged them to widen their circle of friends without telling them they couldn't play with each other!

[rowyourboat]

Thanks for your replies. I definitely agree they ought to be encouraged to play with a wider mix of children and I'm pretty sure that the school will put them in different classes next year, which will be a good thing. I may mention it to the school before the end of the year that I'd prefer them to be split up if possible.

I was just a bit concerned that not allowing them to play together at all in the playground was a bit harsh. I think they understand the reasons for it though, and I'm sure the teacher knows what's best for them in this situation. I have spoken to my DD about it at home and she says she gets on well with all the girls in her class, she just prefers being with her best friend as they like the same games. I've told her that if she gives it a go and joins in with the other girls, then she might find their games fun too.

I've also suggested to DD that we invite one or two of the other girls in her class home to play in the new year, her teacher has made suggestions of who to ask, and she seems happy with that. Hopefully this will help. She also has other friends here outside of school so she does at least get to play with other children at weekends and holidays.

I just don't want her to become unhappy at school, as she's really loved it so far. I'll keep in touch with the teacher after the holidays to see how it's working out.

[rowyourboat]

Rednose, Fufflebum, Lovefruit and SavoyCabbage, I also thought the teacher could have gone about it in a different way. Perhaps I should speak to her after Christmas to see if we can come up with an alternative way of engaging them both with other children. I want to support her but it upset me seeing my DD so sad yesterday.

Fufflebum, I love your school's method of pulling names out of a hat each day! What a great way of the children getting to know each other better.

It will be much easier next year if they're put into different classes as it will be a natural separation rather than this forced ban on them playing together.

[FairstiveGreetings]

It is unusual ime for teachers to insist that two children cannot play together unless it has specifically been requested by a parent. Especially as this happened on the last day of term.

Imagine this. The bf parents are concerned that your dd dominates their dd. Perhaps their dd has even complained that she wants to play with others but your dd won't 'let' her. They like you and don't want to broach the subject with you. They speak to the teacher and ask that they separate the girls at play time. The teacher agrees and does so immediately.

This makes more sense to me and if you really do like this other girl and her family, it may well be best for all of you.

If both the girls wanted to play together I think they would drift back into each others company and it would be a really difficult task to separate them during free play.