Mother in school asked my dd not to speak to her dd when she is with her father

[camaleon]

So WWYD?

They are separated. From some of the information she gave me I understand some mistreatment took place.

So this woman is the mother of one of the closest friends of my dd (6). She saw my mother and my dd on their way to the local park. She came to the park and told my dd that her own dd would be coming with her father to that park and not to speak with her because he was a bit 'crazy'.

My husband spoke with our dd and said nobody has the right to tell her who to speak to or not. He thinks this has been dealt with. I am not sure. Would you speak with this mother?

[IndigoBell]

I think she is trying to protect your DD from her ex, who sounds like he may behave unpredictably.

I'd heed her advice.

[camaleon]

thank you.... I am not dismissing the concerns. Her dd and her father did show up and my dd spent the whole time with her head down playing in the sand pit, pretending she had not seen her.

I feel this is very awkward and wrong at some level and difficult to explain to my own dd (6) precisely because I do not have all the information and i do not feel i have the right to any information. I am just confused and unclear about how to react here

[Bonsoir]

I don't think that the mother of your DD's best friend should ask you to require your DD not to speak to her own best friend at the park without a very full explanation/justification of the circumstances.

[camaleon]

She did not ask me Bonsoir. She asked my dd directly. This is what makes it really wrong. I do not want my dd to learn that she should take instructions from adults about who to speak to. It may be justified here, but I can picture many scenarios where I would not want my daughter to believe she has to follow another adult's request to keep her mouth shut.

[onepieceofcremeegg]

There is a mother at my dd's school who went through a very difficult divorce from her ex. (I won't post more details just in case).

Various "stories" circulate about him/her and their past relationship, no one knows the rights and wrongs of course.

This mother gets very angry if her ex-h is out with their dd and one of the schoolfriends (or their parents) greets him in anyway. A close friend of hers said she would tell him to "fuck off" (in front of the children) and I gather she would like more of us to do this.

In the interests of normal behaviour, we always say hello pleasantly, exchange a brief greeting (nice weather or similar) and let dd play for a while with the little girl.

Surely in your case the other mother realises that your 6 year old won't be playing unaccompanied at the park, therefore even if her ex is unpredictable (as someone suggested) your dd will be safe in your care anyway.fwiw I think the other mother is/was wrong to ask your 6 year old directly. It's very controlling quite apart from any other issues.

[HeresTheThingBooyhoo]

you need to speak to the mother in question and find out the reason why. you also need to tell her that in future she puts her requests to you and not a 6 year old child.

[IndieSkies]

I would speak to the mother in question, and say 'I understand that you asked dd not to talk to your dd if she is with her father - can you give me an idea why so we know what to be on the look out for? And it would probably be easier if you tell me of anything we need to know in future'.

[Bonsoir]

camaleon - in that case, you should most definitely talk to your DD's BF's mother and tell her that (a) you would be grateful if in future she could speak to you about instructions to be given to your DD rather than giving them to your DD directly (b) ask for an explanation as to why your DD should be required not to speak to her BF when the BF is with her father so that you can explain the circumstances to your DD in terms that she will understand.

[madwomanintheattic]

i doubt very much if the father is going to randomly attack a 6yo friend of his dd's in the park. and if he's that unpredictable, why is hse allowing him acces to her own dd unsupervised?

it sounds as though she is frankly trying to get everyone on her side against her evil ex, who may have had issues within their relationship, but is deemed no danger at all to his dd or anyone else.

i'd be telling dd to play with her friend as normal. and i'd be telling the mother that if she believes her ex is a danger to anyone else, to deal with it appropriately and not drag a 6yo child into it.

how ridiculous to expect a 6yo girl to ignore her best friend just because she's with her dad. 'hi mr x' and then play with the dd.

the woman sounds quite disturbed. i don't doubt she has personal reasons for being so overly dramatic, but she runs the risk of harming her dd irrevocably if she won't let her have any contact with her friends when it's her dad's contact time.

is she just trying to force her dd to say she doesn't want to see her dad?

[madwomanintheattic]

i'm curious if her ex knows she is going around telling the entire negihbourhood he's crazy. i'm sure his solicitor would be most interested come any custody hearing.

[mathanxiety]

I agree entirely with Madwoman.

How rotten for the child to be effectively restricted from playing with her friend when she is with her father.

[spiderpig8]

did the daughter not acknowledge your dd in the park? it all sounds very odd.
unless of course her dd wants one to one time with her dad, and the mother is trying to put 'leave them alone to spend tiome together'in a way that doesn't make your dd feel rejected.?

[ChippingInNeedsSleep]

How very odd. I'd definitely have to speak to the mother.

[madwomanintheattic]

lol spiderpig, as if 'her dad's crazy dangerous, don't go near them or even acknowledge her in any way' was an appropriate way to ensure the dd built a long and lasting relationship with her dad.

[prh47bridge]

It is bad enough that parents who are splitting up use their children to fight their battles without dragging other people's children into it.

The mother was completely out of line to say this to your daughter. In my view she shouldn't even say it to you. This is not the way you deal with genuine child protection concerns. It smacks to me of trying to stop her daughter enjoying time with her father ("see, even your best friends don't want to talk to you when you are with him") and trying to blacken his name at the same time. If I were the father's solicitor I would, as madwoman suggests, be very interested. The courts aren't keen on parents who act like this.

[camaleon]

Thank you all for your views.
Answering a question raised before, yes, both girls pretended they did not know each other.
My husband is adamant that we should not speak to the mother, only with our own dd to let her know it is unacceptable to take this kind of instructions from anybody. He says we cannot deal with externalities (someone else?s mother) but only with our child. According to him, if we interfere and this spoils the relationship of the two girls (they are very close) my dd may not trust us in the future if a similar situation happens. So he is convinced we can only empower our child to deal with unreasonable requests from adults or peers, but can do nothing to deal with the unreasonable adults ourselves.
Still I agree with all points raised and how sad this is for the other child.

[MMMarmite]

Your DH's advice might make sense if your daughter were older, but expecting a 6 year old to understand and negotiate the complexities of this situation seems unfair and unrealistic. Do you agree that asking the mother to explain would risk spoiling the friendship? I think there's a difference between asking for an explanation of the request and interfering.

Agree that the mother is unreasonable to put your DD in this situation in the first place - if she has genuine concerns then she ought to talk to you, not your 6 year old.

[mathanxiety]

How about the option of speaking with the dad if you ever have a chance and sizing him up for yourself?

I would approach the mother, as well as trying to make some sense of it to your DD, but in all truth, I don't think a 6 yo could be expected to grasp the complex ins and outs of it all, so here I think your DH is being a bit unrealistic and maybe even inclined to engage in a bit of wishful thinking -- I think he is trying to avoid an unpleasant conversation and cloaking it in some sort of principle.

Instead of going in all guns blazing, I would try to tease out of the mother some details about her ex and make some suggestions to her that it would be in the best interests of her child to be able to play with friends and not feel completely cut off from everyone while she is with her dad (this might be important if he really is a completely horrible person as she would feel she could turn to others for support or even help). I would tell her that you would be present with your DD in any public place where the two girls would be playing together with the dad present. IF it comes across that she is being unreasonable and trying to paint an unflattering picture of the dad and wiling to throw her DD's friendships under the bus in order to achieve her ends then I would be seriously inclined to contact the school her DD attends and share my concerns. This can be very damaging to a child.

[camaleon]

Thanks again. It is very helpful and very much appreciated. I will report back with any progress.