Advice please, especially from teachers, about tackling possessive friends.

[chickenrice]

DS has started in reception and been placed in a class with two friends from the school nursery as I had requested. DS has always been well-liked by his teachers and friends. When he started at the school nursery, I was pretty confident he would cope fine but initiated his first playdate with a boy, D, whose mum was new to the school. I thought it would be nice as both were going to be in the same keyworker group. This boy for the whole year at nursery was best friends with my son. Unfortunately, he never liked any other children attempting to make friends with DS. Another boy, E, and my DS became close too and the trio played together pretty much all of the time, partly because my son was very fond of boy E and would play with him regardless of what boy D said. The thing was that if DS, tried to invite any other children over, the other 2 boys would sometimes tell the other children that they weren't to play with or come to our house. Boy D also snatched things DS played with. DS would then just pick something else and carried on. I thought boy D's possessiveness of DS would pass and he would just grow out of any snatching etc as he got older. Unfortunately, this has not been the case.

In the first week of reception, my son played with the new kids at drop off and mentioned new friends he's made. Boy D seemed, at drop off, not to be settled. He, along with boy E, grabs DS's hand when it's time to sit on the carpet for the register. Between them, I observe that they tell others not to sit next to DS. Also the other thing I am worried about is that Boy D is misbehaving in class and has been told off by the teacher. DS tells me that he has been breaking his models amongst other things. When I ask DS who he plays with and eats lunch with he says D and E. I have told DS that he should also play with the other children but he sometimes says that the other two make that difficult. How do I deal with this? I have asked the teacher how DS is doing at school. She says he's doing well. I want DS to be able to socialise with other children without being told by the 2 boys he cannot. They stick to him like glue and he always looks sandwiched between them when it's time to sit down in the morning. I don't want to upset the parents of the other boys by bringing it up with them as they'll be in the class together for then next few years. Boy D's mum seems to get offended easily and has moaned about other people, including Boy E, to me. I have never commented on anything she's said but merely listened politely. Sorry this is long. I'm rambling on. I am just so worried. I don't want to make things worse for DS.

The other thing is that I have always just hoped that they will grow out of this possessive behaviour as they get older so have not done anything. Things are the same in reception as they were in nursery though. Thanks for the advice.

[Highlander]

DS2 was a bit possessive with a Friend at pre-school.

Children don't grow out of it; it's a sign of insecurity. I had several chats with DS (and nursery staff) about sharing friends with others. I helped him to understand that if his friend was playing with someone else then DS2 had to find himself another friend too. i told him how to introduce himselfnetc.

It was my fault, I focused too much on DS1 who is very gregarious and poor DS2 never really had play dates that were just him and a friend.

I would definitely requestva meeting with your teacher. She may think that the 3 children are very close, and not realise that it is possessive behaviour. Your child needs to be given a skill set to move away from the other 2 and I would gently suggest that the other 2 need guidance on sharing friends. I would definitely ask if it's OK for your child to just get up from the mat and move away from the other children.

[chickenrice]

Thanks Highlander. I shall speak to the teacher. Don't want to appear like I don't care about how the other two feel, especially since Boy D cries when he gets dropped off some mornings. He has mentioned that he doesn't like school to his mum. My son finds some of the things he does amusing and likes him. Boy D over the period we've known him has not been able to settle on days my son's not there.

However, I feel DS is missing out on an opportunity to make new friendships. As he has known them for such a long time, DS is very accommodating to what the other two want to do. They grab his hand, one on each side each morning. DS is happy to go along with it. I do admit that I worry that DS might start copying boy D's behaviour or might decide he too does not like school. He has stopped eating some things at dinner time because the other two have told him he can't eat them. I have tried to speak to him and said that he should eat what he likes and play with whomever he wants to but he is just happy to stick with them. A few other children whom he has played with in the first couple of weeks have tried to sit next to him in the mornings but have been pushed out of the way by the two boys.

[RedHelenB]

Friendships do settle down and as they get older & work on different tables etc then he will make different friends, It may be as well that he likes the security of knowing D & E want him to sit with them etc.

My ds in rec is playing with older children that he knew before school at playtimes but I think that will wear of as the year progresses.

As a parent & a teacher I can safely say that friendships do change during the coursreof primary school. Try not to worry.

[3duracellbunnies]

We had dd1's 'posessive' friend over for tea recently. I had put it off for over a year in the hope she would be a passing phase, but after two playdates there it really was our turn. I do encourage dd1 to play with other people, sometimes dd1 says she was told not to play with anyone else, or if she didn't play with her every day she wouldn't be her friend any more (fine by us but dd1 still keen on her). Our strategy has been to tell the teacher about the situation, invite other friends over more than her, and try to correct any ideas about the notion that real friends have to play with each other and only each other all the time. Dd1 does have other friends, but she still plays with the girl, I guess you can't pick your child's friends, just hope they outgrow them.

I would suggest arranging playdates with other nice boys in the class, maybe suggest to the other parent not to say too much before, incase have to cancel/ change plans, then the other boys might not get wind of it till too late. At this stage in reception they seem to like having their parent there anyway (having had tears last night and calling a mother out early); so spruce up the house, invite a different mother and child over each week. If D's mother gets wind of it just say you like to get to know who else your child is mixing with. Do talk to teachers too as they may see your son as doing good job cheering child d up, but may be able to make sure they are separated for some activities.

good luck!!

[chickenrice]

Thank you 3duracellbunnies and RedHelenB. Your advice is much appreciated.

I will carry on arranging new playdates but will still invite D & E home too but not as often as before. Shall speak to the teacher too. Hopefully DS will mix with a wider circle as the year progresses.