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Is this "bullying?";

(14 Posts)
Kitsilano Thu 29-Sep-11 21:26:20

My DD1 is in Yr2. All last year she was in a group of 3 girls, all "BEST" friends.
This year she's started to say a few things about being excluded by the other two. She has talked about another girl threatening to "tell on her" fairly regularly. This evening she cant sleep because she is upset that her 2 friends and 2 other little girls have formed a "club" which she has specifically been excluded from, told that the club is full and she is an "intruder". The have a secret handshake that is "only for 2" so she's not allowed to do it....

I know this silliness is how little girls behave but I feel so sad for her and don't know how best to advise her. Should I mention it to the teacher? Or just tell her to go and find some nicer friends to play with?

Kitsilano Thu 29-Sep-11 21:37:20


Bluebell99 Thu 29-Sep-11 21:44:30

My dd had a miserable term last summer because of similar behaviour from one girl, who decreed my dd couldn't play with her and her bunch of cronies. She has made up with the girl now and is so much happier, that I feel bad that she was so unhappy last term, and it was all down to this one child (whose mum had just had a new baby, so I wonder if she was taking her misplaceness out on my dd?) Anyway I would definitely talk to the teacher. When my son was having problems, they were able to sort things out after a teacher spoke with them and told them they didn't need to be friends but they was no need for nastiness.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:01:17

Encourage other friendships.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:02:12

I would have a word to the teacher who could give a talk about not having clubs and secret handshakes etc.

Kitsilano Thu 29-Sep-11 22:04:49

Thanks for your replies - I have told her to play with other children tomorrow and I've emailed the mum of another girl to see if she'd like to come for tea.

Why do little girls do this to eah other?! I just don't want my dd to become the natural target of it.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:30:18

I'm afraid that girls do have these love/hate, fallings out. I think it worth having a word with the teacher, she could do circle time about friendships and being kind to all etc etc etc.

Bluebell99 Thu 29-Sep-11 22:36:12

It is worth having a chat with the teacher as she can have a general chat with the children about including other children and not being mean to each other. Also our school has different strategies like a friendship bench where children can go if they don't have anyone to play with and if on the friendship bench other children will approach them to play. Also a friendship circle where a group of lonely children are identified and encouraged to play with each other. The latter didn't really work for my dd as she had friends who she wanted to play with but was being excluded by this one girl. It's difficult. IMHO boys are as bad too sad

RunningAllDay Fri 30-Sep-11 12:12:36

Someone on another thread about girls bullying recommended "Queen Bees and Wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman. Although aimed primarily at teenage kids, I am reading (selected bits!) with my girls aged 5 and 7 and some of it seems to ring very true with them. Gives them strategies on coping with unpleasant girl behaviour and gives parents good advice on how to help your DDs. And most importantly it assures them (and you!) that such exclusivity and cliquey-ness is unfortunately terribly common and may be nothing to do with something they have done wrong.

Oof, that's a horrible sentence, sorry. Good luck; I know how you feel. PS. It may be worth mentioning it to the teacher - I didn't really want to, but it came up in a chat about something else, and she was very pleased to hear, so that she could tailor some of the PHSE class. But then, she seems a very good teacher, so we may be lucky.

Marne Fri 30-Sep-11 12:15:46

Girls can be so bitchy sad this is the reason why my dd1 plays with the boys.

Anything thats making your dd upset to the pint where she's getting upset at bed time/not sleeping needs to be discussed with her teacher. I'm one of those mum's that the teacher dreds coming in each morning as my dd has had a lot of problems and i won't stand for it.

ElaineReese Fri 30-Sep-11 12:18:47

Not exactly bullying, but nasty, and all too common with girls from (it seems to me) about 6 to 15 years...

If you like the teacher and think he/she would handle it well, definitely talk about the fact your dd is going through a bad patch with friends (don't name them, it makes you sound less like you're 'telling tales' and the teacher will know anyway), then perhaps it could be helped through circle time and so on, as mentioned above.

Good luck. Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

dikkertjedap Fri 30-Sep-11 18:39:10

Not yet bullying but it could become bullying if not addressed. Speak to teacher and say that you are worried that these girls are intentionally and deliberately excluding your girl and threatening with telling tales about her. Also ask if your teacher (or you) could speak to lunch time supervisors.

Also explain to your dd that these girls are very very silly. The point is not to have a best friend, they are not going to marry their friend after all. The point is to have lots of nice friends to play with so if one is ill or moves house and school they still have lots of nice friends to play with. So, really clever girls have many friends and never exclude anyone. Really silly girls have only one friend through excluding others from play.

It is not just how girls behave. I think it is especially an issue in the UK and little girl copy behaviour they see at home or in their home environment. In the UK a lot of management takes play through exclusion rather than inclusion. Not just kids also adults. Very sad and divisive way of life, but it can be changed and hopefully it will be changed.

You can also ask some nicer girls to come to play (one at the time) to help your dd build new friendships. You probably will need to be quite proactive in helping her until she has a few new (better) friends.

Good luck and I am sorry your dd has to go through this.

Kitsilano Fri 30-Sep-11 19:34:44

Thanks so much everyone! I decided to email the teacher this morning and described what was happening (without naming names).

She replied to say she had decided enough was enough (I think my daughter not the only one affected) and that all the girls in the class were to be taken this afternoon to have a firm talk from the head of the pre-prep.

She also said how important it is to stamp these things out quickly and monitor them carefully so it was really good that I had informed her.

What a great response! I feel reassured that the school will deal with this sort of thing and glad that I decided to speak up.

So we shall see what next week brings...!

Thanks for the input and support

Kitsilano Fri 30-Sep-11 19:38:39

Oh and I will most definitely be encouraging other friendships and I particularly like your way of explaining it dikkertjedap.

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