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Friendships-reassurance if possible...

(16 Posts)
Sleepglorioussleep Tue 27-Sep-11 16:38:25

...or tell it to me gently if not! Ds in year 1. Had very strong core group last year. I havebalways found her quite persuasive verging on bossy but it seemed to be going well. Bit sad then that for the last few days her kind of best friend has been "cross" with dd and she's played with others. I am sure I should leave well alone if I can, but before I do I want to know she won't be alone and friendless because of a few spats in year one. Obviously she's the first-won't have time to fret about ds or dd2!

Sleepglorioussleep Tue 27-Sep-11 16:45:59

I mean dd of course-finger slipped!

dikkertjedap Tue 27-Sep-11 18:22:52

I would try to address her bossyness. She might have got away with it in reception but unlikely she'll so easily get away with it in the future. Kids don't like it and will prefer to play with more co-operative children. I would explain that other children don't like to be bossed around and that it is a matter of give and take, including doing what other children want even if you want to do something else. It is an important lesson she will have to learn, the sooner the better. She doesn't want to get a reputation as a bossyboots, not with other children and not with the staff.

Sleepglorioussleep Tue 27-Sep-11 19:21:53

Okay-so assuming we have had this discussion, which we have...what next? Appreciate the honesty!

dikkertjedap Tue 27-Sep-11 19:30:31

You could do some role play with her at home (just you and her) to practise. Then invite a friend and observe closely and help her. For example, you could explain that she arranges some options for her friends to choose when she comes to play. Say, we can play with my dolls or with .... or with ... and then accepts what her friend chooses. Similar with the food you provide, she may present some options and let her friend choose. This will be difficult because she would be putting her own interest at the backburner but that is part of the learning process. This will help her to identify that she needs to learn to compromise and that even if you end up doing something different from what she had preferred it can still be a lot of fun. Changing behaviour is always difficult so she may need some extra help.

Sleepglorioussleep Tue 27-Sep-11 19:42:16

Have you experience of this? Be great to know that it works! Does seem from chatting to other mums that dd is not the only one.

dikkertjedap Tue 27-Sep-11 19:46:42

We try to do this with some of the very bossy girls at our school (not the food choosing obviously) but we do role play where we pretend that one comes to visit another one 'at her home'. We also do extra board games with these girls, because they are often not very good at taking turns/losing.

dikkertjedap Tue 27-Sep-11 19:48:42

TBH the fact that your dd is not the only one is neither here nor there. It is undesirable behaviour for her and for her environment, so it is good to address it sooner rather than later. If other parents decide not to address it - well, that is sad I would say, ultimately their children will pay the price.

shebird Tue 27-Sep-11 19:58:38

Just wondered if your DDs friends had given a reason for being 'cross' or are you just assuming it has to do with bossiness? I think quite a few girls of this age are bossy so shes not alone I'm sure. I found that my DD had quite a lot of little spats in Y1 within her core group -lots of tears and dramas I'm afraid. Its like they are trying to establish a pecking order or something! Give it a few days and im sure they will be friends again.

lifesamerrygoround Tue 27-Sep-11 20:04:51

DS used to come home telling me stories. He indicated that he played by himself when his friend played with others because his friend didnt want to be his friend that day.
After a few months of breaking my heart, i went into school, spoke to teacher who reassured me DS does not wander about on his own and is sociable! She said they all play well together and that they do have their bickers but back to normal within minutes. I was gobsmacked.
Could you speak to teacher to see if its all truth?

lifesamerrygoround Tue 27-Sep-11 20:06:06

Also about being bossy. DS attracts the bossy kids. He needs someone to take control confused

Sleepglorioussleep Tue 27-Sep-11 23:43:53

Thanks all. Dd's friend looks as if she might have had a bad day that was nothing to do with dd. I think I need to get some perspective on this-coming down too hard on someone who isn't short of friends might be a bit much. I'll save the role play, try to be a but less bossy myself and keep gently reminding dd about compromise. I know what you mean about pecking order. Makes sense.

cory Wed 28-Sep-11 08:04:34

My experience is that children often grow out of bossyness after the first year or so at school and that it all gets forgotten.

In Reception ds had a friend who kept knocking him down physically and undermining him mentally by saying "you're not very clever", "you can't do the things I can". So far far worse than what you are talking about. Unsurprisingly, this boy struggled with friendships and his mum got very upset. By Yr 2 he had grown into a gentle giant and was part of a lovely group of friends. Ds and he are still very good friends, though they have now gone off to different secondary schools.

It is hard when these things are going on, but they usually pass.

Sleepglorioussleep Wed 28-Sep-11 11:30:39

Thanks Cory-I think I needed the long view really to help me deal with today's nitty gritty. I feel I need to love her through this and being too tough about her flaws might be counter productive in the end. And I heard her best friend being quite unkind this morning in the same way so I'm inclined to think the two of them are having a mini power struggle. Will watch and wait whilst pointing out what kind friends do.

DoubleMum Wed 28-Sep-11 14:08:36

My DS used to tell me he sat on a bench all play time as nobody wanted to play with him. When I eventually asked the TA who was also a dinner lady she was flabbergasted. She said he was a very popular boy and all she could think was that occasionally he didn't want to play what the others are playing. So I took it all with a pinch of salt after that.
Now you've had the talk about being bossy/sharing I'd sit back and see what happens. DS is in Yr 5 now in a class that has always been mainly girls, and they definitely have their ups and downs. The boys seem to be more steady in that respect. DD is in Yr 2 in a class with a majority of boys and there doesn't seem to have been anywhere near as much cattiness. If that's a word.

Sleepglorioussleep Thu 29-Sep-11 13:34:18

So...dd has fallen out with friend. And another one came for playdate and it was pretty hard work. I had chat with dd, talked about what I used to do at school. But mainly cuddled and listened. I think she needs to know I love her and accept her and also help her to see how friendships work and how she needs to behave to gain and keep friends. These skills aren't innate in us all and need teaching...or learning the very hard way. And dd needs some extra tlc at the moment because of the demands on all of is because of a new baby.

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