Reception - behaviour problems and nobody likes me

[tallulah]

DD (4.5) has just started Reception. On Friday the teacher asked to have a word :( DD had messed herself and there had been several incidents- throwing sand and spitting then not listening. I told her off there and then in front of the teacher.

I told DD after school that the other half of the class would be in on Monday so there would be more new friends to play with. She told me she wasn't going to make any more friends and would be playing on her own because "nobody likes me", and that she wants her old friends back :(

I've seen her playing with 2 particular children so I said "well you are friends with Jack and Evie" (not real names). No she said, "Jack told me he wasn't my friend anymore, and he spat at me". I asked her how come she was in trouble if he spat at her and she said she spat back and they both were. This puts a whole new slant on her behaviour and was something the teacher didn't mention. (I realise she can't name names or comment on other children's behaviour, but there's a huge difference between DD just spitting at someone for no reason, and retaliating when someone else has done it first)

I was worried about her going to school where she didn't know anyone but thought she'd settled in OK. Now it seems she hasn't. We have Parents Evening in just over 2 weeks. Do I ask the teacher about this friends situation now or wait until parents eve? Her behaviour at home has got worse since starting school but IIRC that is fairly normal in these early days?

[Feenie]

She shouldn't be spitting at all! I think your initial response was correct. It is very, very early days, and it takes a while to settle in, especially if other children haven't even started yet. Parents' evening would be an ideal time to talk about any friends she has made so far and about settling in.

[tallulah]

No, I realise that. Unfortunately she started spitting at nursery in the toddler room and despite our best efforts we haven't been able to stop her. She seems to go through phases of doing it, then stops then it starts again.

[Flowerista]

My son did the spitting thing if he was in an unnerving situation but he's grown out of it. I know this might sound a bit mad but he used to watch Baby Loony Toons and they spit all the time and I think that he was emulating that originally.

My son has also just started reception and I think it is unnerving and they regress a bit from uncertainty and tiredness. Lots of cuddles and encouragement and use parents evening productively. Might be worth dropping the teacher a note detailing your key a concerns so she can observe beforehand and you can both arrive at a plan.

[dearheart]

I think it is v early days too. My dd2 has gone to school with some nursery friends, and insisted last week that everyone else isn't her friend because she doesn't know them (said in a shout!). This week she says two girls are a bit of her friends. I expect her to develop other non-nursery friendships over the next few weeks. Your dd doesn't know anyone so doesn't have old friends to fall back on, but will settle down over the next few weeks.

I agree that the teacher could have told you that there was some spitting and your dd was involved, rather than just talking about your dd. I think bribery is always helpful when dcs are having to do new things - dd1 got a star each day she was at school and a gift at the end of the week; I also met her each day with a treat.

But basically this first term is not a lot of fun for parents!

[blackeyedsusan]

you need to talk to her about not retaliating and to tell the teacher.

behaviour normally regresses, but it is not fun to have to deal with it. messing herself, not so common, but it does happen, wetting is more common.

friendships will develop, but you may want to write a note to the teacher. are you able to do play dates to build up frienships?

[DeWe]

I've got problems with ds in reception at present, but I've been very clear to him that it does not matter what anyone else has done to him, he needs to be responsible for what he does.
If you differentiate between "spitters" then it sends mixed messages. Anyway, your dd saying the other child started the spitting doesn't mean she hadn't done something else first...

[tallulah]

Thanks all for you comments. Both me and DH have had words with her about not retaliating (it obviously didn't go in). We've had another chat with her today. We'll see how tomorrow goes.