DD - Yr 5 - being bullied. How long do I leave for the school to sort it out/when should I just take her out?

[NottsCounting]

DD told me a couple of weeks ago she was being picked on, by one specific child. It has apparently been going on since the start of Juniors, but she has been trying to ignore it. It takes the form of constant name calling, plus a lot of physical things - poking, hair pulling, tripping up. Nasty things, but that don't leave marks .

DD has lots of friends, but it is just this one child who has it in for her. It seems to be escalating and DD has had enough. We have been into school, and they have talked with us and her and others in their class, and a plan has been put in place. However, how long do we leave it for the plan to take effect??

Knowing this other child as I do, I suspect she will not easily be stopped, and she is very good at manipulating those around her. I do not imagine for one second this child will be removed from class, so it will have to be my DD if it doesn't stop. DD finally told us after this child spread it round the rest of the class that DD had been adopted because her real mother thought she was so ugly she had given her away, and then pushed her chair leg onto DD's toe in class .

I don't want to let this girl win, but how long can I let me DD deal with this day in day out?

[bibbitybobbityhat]

It's not clear - are you thinking of removing her from school?

[NottsCounting]

Sorry, I am a bit wound up. DD says she wants to change schools, she has had enough. I would prefer for her to stay and get it sorted out. How long do I give the school to implement their plan to stop this girl from getting at DD?

[saffycat]

I think it's really important to keep on communicating with school - continue to let them know about all of the incidents as they arise to keep them aware of the problem. If you keep them updated they are more likely to understand that it is a serious problem for your dd and ensure that they implement their plan until the bullying stops or adjust their intervention as necessary.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Would she really rather leave the school and leave her good friends behind?

[IndigoBell]

If DD wants to change school, I'd listen to her and if it was at all possible I would.

There's nothing wrong with changing school. Being adaptable and open to change is a very valuable skill.

We changed school, and my 3 have kept all their old friends and made new friends.

[Fairenuff]

Changing schools is fine as long as she doesn't fall prey to bullies in her new school. What tools has she been given to deal with these problems. Has she been told to report every single incident and is she being listened to. Has to school called it bullying yet, as it seems it has only come to light in the last two weeks.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

I could understand if she wanted to change school if she is being ganged up on and systematically bullied by a large group.

But you say she has lots of friends and problems with just this one girl?

I think you/she needs to be absolutely sure she wants to change schools in the penultimate year of primary.

[NottsCounting]

School have said DD is a 'victim' of the other girl, but not used the term bullying. They are taking it seriously though.
DD is just fed up. I have talked to her about how big a step moving schools would be, but I think she wants to because she doesn't believe this girl can be stopped. If she could be stopped from getting at her, then DD would prefer to stay.
I would prefer her to stay, but not if this girl cannot be stopped and I am not sure how the school can do it. She manages to do it all under the radar (most of the time), so no-one is aware just how much is going on. DD has been given a special book in the office where she is to write everything down, so maybe that will help show the extent of the problem?
Ta for your replies.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

It sounds awful for your dd, really really horrible.

But such a shame to move schools for the sake of one bully.

I am sure the only thing you can do is record verbatim every single instance of bullying and report each and every one to the most senior person you can in school, with a cc to the Chair of Governors.

[Fairenuff]

The book sounds like a good idea as long as she records every single incident. It doesn't matter if they are under the radar as your DD will draw attention to them. If they are as prolific as they seem to be, the school will have lots of 'evidence' to help tackle the problem. If your DD can stand it, I would give it another couple of weeks. Have you set a date to review the situation? I think this is important. You should be able to meet with the teacher and go through the book together. Also, have you considered which secondary school this girl might be going to? If possible, you may get them into different schools then.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

In this situation I would advocate your DD getting physical with this girl. My DD had the same kind of thing with some boys from her junior school who moved up to the same secondary school. She told me she just wanted it to stop. She didn't want to change schools, though. The school were great, and the boys were known to the school, but stuff started happening out of school. One day she came home crying and I'd (and my DS1) had enough.

We knew where they would be and DS1 and I went there and DS1 threatened them. He did push them around. Some people may say this was not the right thing to do, but you know what, it stopped. My DD has had no trouble from them at all since that day.

DS1 had had trouble at primary with a particular boy. I had been into the school, told DS1 to turn the other cheek, etc etc. One day DS1 had had enough and punched the boy very hard. Again, no trouble since that day. In fact DS1 and that boy are friendly now.

[SnapesOnAPlane]

Have you tried speaking to this other girls mother? I'd say that's a step that you can take whilst waiting.
If your DD wants to move schools away from her friends it must be very bad for her, poor little mite. I hope everything gets sorted quickly. x

[ballstoit]

As well as dealing with the bully, I think it's important to work on strengthening DDs other friendships. Are her friends aware of what's going on? Are they supportive of her? If they are, encourage her to talk to them at school if she's feeling under pressure. Perhaps she could try to avoid going to the toilet alone or being the first out into the playground. Yes, the school needs to tackle the bully, and you need to tackle them until they do, but your DD needs to be helped not to be the victim. She isn't to blame, but it is more empowering for her to be given strategies that she can use herself, than to solely rely on adults to solve the issue for her.

Encourage her to say, very loudly 'Stop poking me/pulling my hair/etc' as soon as something happens, to alert those around to what's going on. If the bully approaches, DD could move towards an adult (I would hope the school would be letting PPA cover teacher and lunchtime supervisors know to keep an eye out for bully approaching DD), or other group of friends.

Ensure DD has minimal other stresses, lots of hugs and affection, and discuss with her how often she wants to talk about how things are going at school. No matter how worried you are, don't add to DDs stress by questioning her every night as soon as she comes out. Agree a time to talk, or a signal DD can give you if she wants to chat about things. Make sure DD knows when you're going back into school, so that she knows you're taking her seriously.

[ballstoit]

Have just reread, and am worried my post implies that DD is in any way to blame. Of course she isn't. Just wanted to make suggestions to build up DDs self help skills, so she doesn't lose control.