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I feel really guilty

(38 Posts)
ilovepesto Fri 23-Sep-11 17:37:39

I'm not sure why I'm posting here, well it is school related. I hope no one minds if I do a bit of off loading. I've been getting really fed up that every time I pick up DS I get taken aside to be told about his bad behaviour. I never had any problems before and I get the feeling this carer (it's after school club) doesn't much like my DS. He was really anxious when I picked him up and started pacing and crying, he was really incoherent and I couldn't understand what was going on. Anyway, the lady at after school club said that DS has hurt another child, I asked for more info, she said 'you know what he's like', I said no I don't know what he's like you'll have to tell me, she then said well loses and his temper and hits out. I then went on to say I wasn't happy that she was always so negative about my DS, she ended the conversation and said she would speak to the head. She's a nice lady but I do feel she has a thing about my DS. I had absolutely no bother until she started, now it's just constant. My DS is a pain and no angel by any means, but I don't know what to do about this woman. I feel anxious every time I pick DS up and when I see her. I'd really value some tips on how to make things better between me and the lady from club.

dikkertjedap Fri 23-Sep-11 20:00:00

???? I don't think you need to do anything about this woman. It seems to me that you need to do something about your son's behaviour!

amistillsexy Fri 23-Sep-11 20:06:16

Do you feel that this woman's attitude towards your DS, or her way of dealing with him, brings out the worst in him, Op? Is there anyone senior to her in the after-school club that you could talk to?

Does his teacher have similar problems with him? If not, it's reasonable to assume it's something specific to after school club that's causing the negative behaviour, and they need to do something about it rather than simplyblame your DS. On the other hand, if there are similar problems during the school day, you need to tackle his behaviour and not blame others.

IndigoBell Fri 23-Sep-11 20:34:54

This is really hard.

Are you able to speak to his teacher and find out how he is in class? That would be my first thing.

If it's isolated to this after school club, then there is obviously something about it that doesn't work for him.

However if school also notice a problem, then something else is going on.

Good luck. Loads of us have been there. It's not a reflection on you, and it can be resolved.

netherlee Fri 23-Sep-11 20:36:17

IME its just as likely adults responsible for kids cause situations. Maybe some gentle probing if you suspect so. The point about comparing with school is good, is he different in those environments. eg is he kept occupied in the best way, do adults respect him (its a two way thing) etc.

If it is how you are bringing him up however, you only have yourself to blame.

IndigoBell Fri 23-Sep-11 20:39:30

netherlee - that's exceedingly harsh. Seeing as the OPs not at after school club, and she's worried about it, and never had any problem before, it's highly unlikely to be her parenting.

Take off your judgy pants.

netherlee Fri 23-Sep-11 20:49:04

Calm down indigobell. You dont wear judgy pants by any chance??

I did suspect it is the clubs fault but pointed out there are many possibilities. Its hard to tell from the opening post.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Sep-11 21:39:04

ilovepesto this is a perfectly acceptable section to post your concerns smile

You say you never had any problems before. Could you clarify a little more. Is he normally well behaved at home and at school? How long has he been going to afterschool club. Was he happy before with childcare. Is it a new member of staff at the club?

Sorry for all the questions, but it's not easy to see a solution without the full picture.

coccyx Fri 23-Sep-11 21:52:21

how old is he? Is he happy ay school and unsettled at afterschool.
Netherlee how can you say Op only has herself to blame? ridiculous statement

netherlee Fri 23-Sep-11 21:58:39

Im obviously not making much sense here, and some clearly missed my big IF (hypothetically). Jees some people are hard to communicate with on here. Does op think the carer is just plain lying or trying to wind her up? Thats one interpretation.

budgieshell Fri 23-Sep-11 22:09:33

A lot will depend on his age a younger child will be tired by the end of the day and be more likely misbehave. Any child is going to see the more relaxed after school club as a chance to let of steam.

I would think it would make more sence to talk about this problem with this lady and share ideas on how to handle this behaviour rather than think she does not like him, it's not about taking sides it's about working together for the sake of your ds.

ilovepesto Sat 24-Sep-11 10:31:33

Hi all, sorry I had an early night last night. My DS is not perfect, he's no angel and he does get into trouble from time to time. It's not that I've never had any complaints before and I'm not blaming the after school lady for my DS behaviour at all. I just don't like the feeling of dreading seeing her and I don't like the way she relays how she feels about my child. There are the words that are used 'you know what he's like' which could be said by anyone but it depends how it's said, and it was said with some distaste by this lady. I find the way she deals with things quite interesting, she's quite black and white. I have to confess I think I've just had enough of her negative comments. I have heard that she has problems with her own son and she told my DS that he was just like her child 'you have anger problems' - I was very unhappy about this too but have never said anything. He's been at that club for 3 years and I've only ever had a couple of 'complaints' before this woman started and its still all the same staff that are there plus this woman. She said she was going to the head. I'm worried they'll tell me DS won't have a place anymore at club. I work full time and I'm a single parent.

EdithWeston Sat 24-Sep-11 10:38:47

I think you should talk to one of the other staff at the club.

As your DS has been there for 3 years, they know him and they know you. They might have interesting observations on whether they have seen any changes in him this. And you might get a chance to say - without being too pointed at this stage - that you are concerned about some comments from (Ms XX) and would be grateful if someone else could deal with your son whenever possible.

ilovepesto Sat 24-Sep-11 10:41:07

Thanks Edith. Good idea. I do get along well with the other staff. I do feel guilty feeling this way about the other lady, she does seem very nice. I'll have a chat with the other staff on Monday. I do hope they dont' take my DS out of club. Have a lovely day. smile

Fairenuff Sat 24-Sep-11 10:43:37

It might be worth having a discussion with the head yourself. Just because she 'goes to the head' does not mean that she is right. It does seem that his behaviour has changed since she joined the team and that needs to be addressed.

CustardCake Sat 24-Sep-11 22:03:09

I don't think they are going to throw him out of the club but it does sound like they are trying to enlist your help a bit more. Could there be other things going on making DS more volatile than previously?
Remember after-school staff see children at their worst. The child has been at school all day, been away from mum for a long time, its been hours since they had a full meal etc etc so it only takes a minor thing to tip things over. Has a new child joined that he doesn't get along with? Is he staying up later in the evenings so more tired generally? Is he getting harder work this Year at school or harder homework compared to last year that's stressing him out?

You have seized upon the fact that your son's behaviour is being reported as getting worse at the same time as this woman joined the club and putting 2+2 together to decide that therefore SHE must be to blame somehow or SHE must have it in for him but have you considered that he might be behaving more badly than normal and this might be for a reason connected with school or home or other kids in the club or anything?

Talk to the club about a joint approach. Maybe they could have a sticker book that they show you every night rather than negative chats in the doorway that way you can praise him on the days he gets a good sticker and talk things over or tell him off on days he doesn't behave well.

ilovepesto Mon 26-Sep-11 10:42:23

The head phoned at 9am and asked me in. Apparently 2 mothers had complained this morning about my sons behaviour and both the new and old manager have found me aggressive and difficult and that maybe the after school club isn't the best place for my son. I feel absolutely devastated. I always new my DS could be difficult but after school club had never indicated to me before except on a couple of occasions over the years that there was a significant problem. I feel a complete failure as a mother. I don't know what I'm going to do for childcare - I work fulltime. My DS will be heartbroken.

ilovepesto Mon 26-Sep-11 10:42:47

sorry knew not new

IndigoBell Mon 26-Sep-11 11:41:55


This sounds like there is a really serious problem that school should be dealing with.

You being 'aggressive' or 'difficult' should not effect whether or not your child has a place.

If your DS really has these behavioural problems, then he needs to be on the SEN register, and have an IEP that helps him overcome these difficulties.

So I would ask for an appointment with the SENCO to ask how school are going to help your son with his apparent behaviour problems.

You also need to find out the law around the after school provision. Schools do have some duty wrt to 'extended care'. Wait a moment and I'll see what I can google smile

But don't feel guilty or like a failure. Why you may (or may not) have had some part to play, school and the after school club also need to take their share of responsibility.

You need this after school provision to keep your job, so you need to find a way to make this work.

IndigoBell Mon 26-Sep-11 11:47:10

See, schools have to provide 'extended services' - DFE Extended Services

So, given that it is a legal duty for them to provide it, I can't see how they can exclude your son from it, without formally excluding him ( Which is something very formal, and not what they are suggesting)

IndigoBell Mon 26-Sep-11 12:06:27

Here's Yorks take on it.

But basically extended services have to be inclusive, and it is the governors responsibility to make sure that they are. If they refuse to let your DS go to after school club, I think you need to make a formal complaint to the chair of governors.

ilovepesto Mon 26-Sep-11 12:12:41

That's so helpful. I have a really sympathetic boss. Poor sod had to deal with me sobbing down the phone to him. I couldnt go into work this morning I felt so overwhelmed. I've got other things going on and I''m afraid I'm not dealing with this very well. I'm pulling myself together and plan to get to work in a minute. I think when I'm feeling a bit less emotional I will give the SEN a ring and see what we can do to address some of these behaviours. I feel sad for my DS. He likes his school and I don't know what this recent turn of events will do to his self esteem. I'll have a read through the attached document and get some advice (don't really know where from) before I give the school a ring. Thanks Indigo (what a lovely lady you seem to be) Well you've cheered me up anyway smile

PastSellByDate Mon 26-Sep-11 13:08:06

Hi I love pesto

Several things occur having previously dealt with a teacher who didn't like my DD.

1 You have to keep your cool at all costs - you need after school care so you can work.

2. You need to get to the bottom of what precisely is the problem. That means talking to the school and your son. Key to this is it takes 2 to have a fight and they have to consider your son's issues.

3. You do need to suggest a solution - a behaviour chart or a time out seat to help support the after school staff modify his behaviour.

I know how upsetting it can be to have your child labelled, " the problem" but you won't win that battle now - so focus on keeping him in after school care and ensuring his behaviour is acceptable. And make it clear to him he is the one who has to improve or you'll have to cut back your working hours or worse yet quit your job, which will effect what he can do.

Finally you need an exit strategy - if the problem is the club or the kids there you need to be looking for alternatives for child care.

ilovepesto Mon 26-Sep-11 13:19:10

PastSellByDate, thanks for that. It's so hard not to challenge what I believe to be unreasonable behaviour. I understand that I must keep cool. I suppose I'm now labelled a difficult and aggressive mother and people will blame me for my badly behaved child (he really is lovely most of the time and I don't see his behaviour being any worse than most other children his age). It's so embarrassing to feel that the school think I'm difficult. Anyway. I think I will contact the SENCO (to be honest I dont' find her helpful either - they're all very cliquey - god I could cry). Anyway, you're right. When I'm less emotional I'll think of a positive way forward. I suspect I may have to find him alternative childcare though.

happychappy Mon 26-Sep-11 13:25:09

Ilovepesto,currently I am a nanny and have worked in various forms of childcare for many years including as a teacher and running a small nursery.

I have read you post with interest and can only say I am sorry. I work full time and it's so difficult trying to everything. However one thing in my experience one offs don't get mentioned. If the school/afterschool club have mentioned problems in the past they have had a series of incidents they have let go as bad days. Its sounds you haven't heard the subtext and codes in which they have been speaking. Annoying as it is; people who work with children generally always talk in codes and I have heard of many cases where they just don't communicate properly with parents. Probably the lady you have a problem with is being more direct and honest than any of the other carers.

I agree with someone who said that at the end of day he is probably at his least happy and easygoing and probably more likely to behave in unacceptable ways. It is completely understandable.

How old is your son? What behaviors are they finding so much difficultly with? Can you see if there is a way you can all develop a strategy to help him cope and respond in a more appropriate way when he is confronting the things that cause his negative behavior?

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