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Struggling with DS in trouble.

(12 Posts)
messybessie Fri 23-Sep-11 09:46:09

I'm slightly embarrassed about this and can't say it out loud.

DS keeps getting into trouble at school and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I was NEVER in trouble at school and am mortified when he is.

I also think they're being a bit harsh on him bit wonder if I'm a bit PFB about the whole thing and should be more strict.

He is in year 1 and has been sent to the head twice already. Once for 'antagonising another boy so that he lashed out' and a second time for laughing at something naughty a friend did.

I don't think either of these warranted a trip to the head and all the shame that entails and DS is now saying he hates school and doesn't want to go.

I don't want to undermine the teachers who are clearly trying to get the class in order.

Thought I'd moan on here instead!

sugartongue Fri 23-Sep-11 09:56:31

Hmm, they don't sound like incidents which warrant trips to the head to my either - does the teacher appear to struggle with discipline and therefore need too much back-up? The only thing I can suggest is that you request a meeting with his teacher, and tell him/her that you're on board and you're prepared to find a way to sort this together. Basically request a behaviour report at the end of each day - needs only be "fine" or "little bit of messing around" and then you can always insentivise the good behaviour with your son via a star chart (I used to loathe these but they seem to work with my DSs) - for example if teacher says "fine" he gets the star, if teacher says "not fine" then no star and all the stars build up to him getting his pocket money - so each worth 10p or something. Then he knows he can either get 50p (eg) a week to spend as he wishes or potentially nothing! I see what you say about him not liking school now, so maybe this will encourage him to behave in a low-key way. Good luck - sometimes it's very hard to be the mother of sons!

cory Fri 23-Sep-11 10:04:32

Ime the whole "trip to the head" thing doesn't mean as much in a modern primary school as it did in our day. So I think it helps to switch off the whole shame idea.

I would just tell your ds briskly that it's good that the school has dealt with it, now he knows he mustn't do this- and then change the subject. Brisk, not devastated, it will only become a terrible punishment if you show him it is.

It is a small part of his life that you are now leaving in the hands of others- hopefully they know what they are doing and it will be fine.

messybessie Fri 23-Sep-11 10:26:31

Thank you for your replies.

I think the teacher is trying to crack down hard initially so everyone knows where they stand hmm. DS is the kind of boy who likes to see what he can get away with so I am prepared to give her a little leeway.

I think

rebl Fri 23-Sep-11 11:41:52

You say he's keeps getting in trouble which indicates that he's maybe had a number of warnings about his behaviour and the incidents that have resulted in the trip to the head are the final straw so to speak.

The incident of taunting another boy until he lashed out might not seem like it warranted a trip to the head but is that the 1st time or the 20th time he's done it? I only ask because my ds was being taunted like this by a particular boy every single day. My ds got to the point he didn't want to go to school because of this boy taunting him. The school are right to deal with such things like this seriously as its not far off bullying if its always at the same child and repeatedly. Obviously if its the 1st time then thats different.

messybessie Fri 23-Sep-11 12:39:05

No not bullying as such. The boy in question is a friend and has behaviour issues (not SEN). He is often violent and disruptive.

The children have been told by teacher not to 'wind him up' I struggle a little with this as I always tell DS he is responsible for his own behaviour not others but I can imagine DS seeing if she meant it.

Hopefully they're just beginning of term blips.

coccyx Fri 23-Sep-11 13:53:57

"the kind of boy who likes to see what he can get away with" then whats the problem. he was misbehaving and she dealt with it. He sounds a pain, how would you feel if you were the mother of the other boy

messybessie Fri 23-Sep-11 14:30:30

He is a pain, but he's also my son so I guess I'll just have to be biased.

As for the mother of the other boy - given the amount of bruises and injuries DS and his friends have had from him, I'm not entirely sure she would be that concerned.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Sep-11 18:07:50

What is he like at home? Be honest now grin. If he likes to push the boundaries do you work hard to hold them or do you sometimes 'give in for an easy life'? If you ask him to tidy his toys does he do it straight away, completely ignore you or do it eventually after lots of reminders? Teachers do not have time to keep repeating themselves for 30 children.

If he learns at home that these are the rules and this is what happens when you break them, he will have an easier time following them at school.

Practise following instructions with him. Tell him once and wait for him to respond. If he doesn't respond, give him a warning and repeat the instruction. If he still doesn't do as you've asked, follow it through with a time out or suchlike. Once he realises he has to do as he's told, his behaviour should improve at school. He will get into trouble less. He will get more rewards and he will be happier and hopefully enjoy school.

rebl Fri 23-Sep-11 18:31:20

As for the mother of the other boy - given the amount of bruises and injuries DS and his friends have had from him, I'm not entirely sure she would be that concerned.

hmm. So you think that just because the other boy has given others bruises that she doesn't care how her boy is treated by others, or that she doesn't care how her boy behaves? You really have no idea do you? You say no SEN, how do you actually know? If the boy is being "wound up" by others so he lashes out then tbh he's not exactly being given a chance. This boys mother will have been told every single time he's hit / kicked other children. She will also have been told that he had been provoked. She won't be naive to the situation.

I'm going to back away from this thread now because this is too close to my heart and you seem to think that its ok for your ds to wind someone up just because that child is an easy target and in some ways deserves it. Its not acceptable and your child doesn't sound like an angel and has been in quite a bit of trouble.

messybessie Fri 23-Sep-11 19:01:19

rebl, I started this thread to get genuine advice, I'm not doubting that DS's behaviour has been wrong, and I have no intention of criticising the teacher for it.

Merely that I have taken it to heart and wanted some dispassionate advice.

But calling my child a pain and accusing him of bullying is uncalled for.

My son is a kind boy on the whole and is just struggling to settle back down to school and I am trying to help him.

I realise you think I'm unsympathetic to the other mother, I am not. We get on well, the boys are friends. And I have done my best to be supportive for the past year while DS has been punched and kicked and scratched. So I'm afraid I do take umbridge that the first time DS does something he shouldn't you suggest my son is horrid and I'm supposed to be overcome with guilt for his mother.

messybessie Fri 23-Sep-11 19:03:54

Fairenuff, that is good advice, thank you.

We are trying to be more disciplined at home and he definitely responds to clear boundaries.

He seems to be finding out what his new teacher's boundaries are and I'm just praying he has worked it out now and will tow the line.

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