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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

Bitchy Girls

21 replies

YellowWallpaper · 06/09/2011 22:49

Hi my dd is having a lot of trouble with bitchy girls in her class. Just general put downs and nasty remarks but fairly constant and the more it upsets her the more they do it. What can I do, what advice can I give her, how can I help her have a thicker skin? She is 10 and very sensitive. It really gets to her and I feel so bad for her.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

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ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/09/2011 07:20

Has she been at the school for the whole time? DD experienced similar last year, but, she had just joined the school and unfortunately her class had been together for three years already.
DD is, or can be annoying. Once we pointed out that noone likes a smartarse, she reined herself in and got on much better with her peers.
She has just started a new school and is doing really well.
I would urge you to look at your DDs behaviour, alternatively you could ask for her to move class.

mel38 · 07/09/2011 09:57

Did you change schools for your daughter twice ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs we moved our daughter 18 months ago and she has had terrible trouble ,the same issues , we are about to move her again but very nervous about it !!

mummytime · 07/09/2011 10:18

Go and talk to the school. You may need to talk to them several times before they really take it on board, but they should be able to investigate.
I also bought "Queen Bees and Wannabees" which seemed to help my daughter. There is a lot of bitchyness at this age, it eases a little at secondary as there tend to be more students and more of a chance to find your own way.

blackeyedsusan · 07/09/2011 12:38

this is normal for year 6. what do they say to her? try and think of a response that she can give, or ask her to wwrite the comments down when she gets home so that you have something to say to the teacher. the girl bitchiness is far harder to pinpoint and deal with as it is subtle, but it can be awful to put up with. (bitter experience)

MrsGravy · 07/09/2011 12:55

My DD is in y2 and already experiencing some of this depressingly. There's a big dominant group of girls in the class and some of them can be pretty unpleasant, telling her her work is rubbish, doing the old staring, whispering and laughing thing. Then when she asks what they were talking about they fake innocence 'oh just saying how good your work is' cue more giggles.

Luckily she IS pretty thick skinned and pretty much avoids them to play with her friends so I follow her lead - focus on the friends she has got and try not to fret about the others. I am keeping an eye on it though and will speak to the teacher if it continues/gets worse or my DD starts getting upset by it.

Have you spoken to your child's teacher about it?

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/09/2011 12:56

No mel, we moved country. DH is a teacher and DD used to go to the same schools as he taught at.
We are back in England now and she is having the time of her life at her new school.

Bunbaker · 07/09/2011 12:57

I found that this happened when DD started in year 5. Until then she was reasonably popular and was friendly with most of the girls in the class. Once the girls hit ages 9, 10 and 11 more cliques formed and the atmosphere changed. DD was often left out of things (she is also quiet and timid). Teacher friends have told me that unfortunately this usually happens at that age, so your daughter will need to build up some coping strategies to deal with it.

I haven't found the answer yet, but DD has now started at high school and I am hoping that she will make some new friends.

bellamom · 07/09/2011 18:57

does this bitchiness happen with boys too? or just girls?

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 21:14

Does anyone have ideas for coping strategies to teach our dds

mrsshears · 11/09/2011 21:24

I have always taught my dd's to have a bit of a "so what" approach.
I find these types of little girls nasty pieces of work thrive on reactions.
Its hard for children not to be affected by this nasty behaviour but we have found that the perpertrators get bored or move onto someone else if they dont get a reaction.

philmassive · 11/09/2011 21:39

It happens with boys too, unfortunately. The same sort of bitchy mean comments that are hard to deal with if you're sensitive.

ledkr · 11/09/2011 21:58

dd also gets this,she is in y5 now,its horrible but important to keep perspective,ive been upset all night before and the next day she is fine and made up.
I take a sympathetic stance but then we dicuss what has happened and look at it objectively-sounds a bit wanky-i just say what did she say?well maybe it was because of this etc.
When it is obviously bitchy i do suggest responses such as "well thats what you think" or "why are you being mean to me?"
i have 3 older ds's and didnt notice it with them i must admit,its hard but they need to learn to deal with it.

ladybutterfly1 · 12/09/2011 10:08

im fed up with what goes on in schools a school is a place for learning not to be bullied i wish the schools would do more to stamp out this sort of behaviour theres no such thing as a bad school just the kids that make it bad for other kids

Groovee · 12/09/2011 10:14

We're finding it's the girls with big sisters who act bitchy that are causing the bitchiness at the moment. One girl is doing my head in, she's been sending threatening texts which say her mum will be contacting me. The mother who claims to be perfect got a shock when I confronted her about this crap. I don't think my dd is innocent but she isn't fully to blame.

kat2504 · 12/09/2011 11:25

Friendship issues is surely par for the course with girls that age. If it's more bullying than general falling out then you need to speak to the teacher and try to get it sorted. When they get near the top of primary school, the "big fish in a small pond" syndrome can occur and girls in particular can be very cliquey.

I have an issue with people referring to a ten year old as a bitch. Actually I don't think it is an acceptable way to describe a grown woman. But we definitely shouldn't be calling kids that.

CrackerFactory · 12/09/2011 22:35

The problem is how do you get a child who is sensitive to develop a thicker skin and have a "so what" attitude.

sugartongue · 13/09/2011 11:04

This happened to me in yr6, I essentially had no female friends by the end of the year and I was desperate to leave. It made me pretty unhappy to start with, but in the end I just concentrated on being better than them at work in class and had a couple of male friends instead so it was ok. Have to say it ALL disappeared at secondary - there are so many more girls to choose from and I'm sure your DD will find some to suit her better when she gets there. I know a year is a long time when you're 10/11 but at least it's the last one!

anklebitersmum · 13/09/2011 11:40

Little girls are dreadful for this type of behaviour, my DD was bullied to the point she started to refuse to eat at home and it culminated with her throwing up into her lunch at school because she was so stressed out and being verbally abused while trying to eat.
She was 5!
We went straight to the headmistress repeatedly until it was dealt with formally, while assuring DD that they were just mean and unfortunately some people are like that. We also empowered her by having her practise saying loudly 'Go away you horrible bully' which worked quite well and had the Head's full support.
Go

mrsshears · 13/09/2011 14:19

crackerfactory my dd2 5, is very sensitive and i think always will be,but we have managed to get that attitude.
DD and myself talk about these types of children in detail and talk about why they behave the way they do and the fact that they really feel "sad inside" and "not good" about themselves and therefore they try to make themselves feel better by being nasty to other children.
I think the key is getting your dc to realise that they are not the problem.
My dd knows this and deals well with any nastiness that she encounters.

makemineaginandtonic · 13/09/2011 19:25

I agree with Groovee that it is the girls with bigger sisters who seem to instigate this sort of behaviour. They mimic their older sister's more sophisticated way of talking and use words and phrases which I don't think are appropriate. I have encouraged my DD to spend time on her own at school and that it is ok to not have a "friend" all the time. It has really affected her self confidence though as she wants to be in with the "in crowd". Also she has started to talk to ME in a cheeky way, like her so called friends speak to her!!

BonzoDooDah · 13/09/2011 20:22

Can I recommend this book: Bullies, Bigmouths and so-called Friends It is a wonderful book about just that. I wished I'd had it at school and have bought it for all my friends with school-aged children. It gives simple strategies for dealing with the horrible people you meet and how to build yourself up to survive.

I hope she sorts things out.

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