Being left out of a three

[3monkeys]

DD is 9. will be 10 in September. Last year at school the friendships all divided up and moved around and she really only stuck with her best friend. they then became friendly with another girl so became at threesome.

I think DD has always been the slightly more left out one, her original best friend can be quite mean to DD. However over the summer I am aware (bloody Facebook!) that the other 2 have been out together and DD has not been invited at all. I have invited one for a sleepover at DD;'s request and not even had a reply!

Sorry, that sounds very whingy. I suppose I am concerned that she will be completely left out when they go back to school in a fortnight. We've had to add another girl to the invites for her birthday treat so that the other 2 won't exclude DD and leave her on her own.

[minipie]

Oh dear. I'll be honest and say I've never known a friendship of 3 girls to be equal - there always seems to be one left out a bit more. (No doubt lots of people will come on and disagree!)

In fact, thinking back, exactly the same thing happened to me - and at exactly that age - as has happened to your DD.

I think the key is probably for your DD to make and spend time with other friends as much as possible - as well as continuing to be friendly with the existing 2. This will mean she doesn't have all her eggs in one basket if they do leave her out. It will also have the benefit of making her seem more confident and "in demand" which will mean she is less likely to get left out or picked on by the other 2 of the 3.

[3monkeys]

Thankyou. She has really drifted away from every one else - she isn't a girlie girl, she plays football and wears boys clothes, so I think she just doesn't fit in so much anymore. Will see who she plays with when she goes back and try and encourage new people like you say. Should leave Facebook I think!

[minipie]

god facebook just makes it worse doesn't it I am so glad I didn't have to deal with that as a DC.

I think encouraging new friendships is the way to go. Is she part of any out of school activities where she might meet other friends? I think that really helped a couple of my friends at that age who were struggling with friendships at school.

[Fimbo]

Facebook is the work of the devil albeit I am on it and so is dd. People just don't think before they post on it. Or maybe they do.....

Anyway I understand where you are coming from. The very same thing happened to my dd around about that age. She had only 9 girls in her class of 30! So it wasn't as easy to just find someone else to go around with. My dd is quite sensitive and shy and was always the one left out. It is so hard to watch, the lioness rears its head and your first instinct is to say something to the other 2, but of course you can't. DD did eventually break away and made friends with another girl. If your dd can just hang on for the next year or so, then High School is a whole new ballgame. My dd has never been happier since she moved up and has a whole string of new friends but has actually gone back to being best friends with a girl she was at first school with. She is also very close to another girl from first school.

Good luck.

[3monkeys]

Thankyou all.
She does play football and netball out of school, albeit netball is with one of these two!
I agree about high school Fimbo - she's old for her year -september birthday and it can't come soon enough!

[gailpottertilsleyplatt]

You have my sympathy. DD, nearly 7, had this problem at school last year and I got myself in a right tizz about it. However, once I'd butted out she seemed to sort it out herself. Likewise during this summer holiday she's started playing out on the green opposite the house with 3 other girls and I've noticed that when it's just her and 2 others (doesn't matter which) she is the one left out. But it doesn't seem to bother her, she either rides her bike or just foists herself on them

I've been telling her not to go down the best friend route because it's better to have a few friends rather than a best one. Who knows - she might actually be listening to me!

[3monkeys]

Ah, feel sorry for her tonight. Both her brothers won trophies at football today and she didn't, and she's been outknocking for someone to play with and no-one was in!

[mrz]

I think it is the eternal problem when there are three girls. Three boys will play happily ... three girls not for long!
sorry but there will always be one of the three feeling left out

[plinkplonk]

My dd has been in this situation and it is horrid. I think the only solution is to talk to your kids about the effectiveness of backing off - and doing everything you can to promote other friendships. Tough one.

[thecaptaincrocfamily]

I really feel for your dd as mine has had exactly the same problem. DD had a friend who she has grown up with and both started reception together last year, then another girl joined the school and her friend has gravitated to this girl as well as my dd. DD was devastated to find out that her long term friend and the other girl will be in a different class for year 1. However, I feel it is a good thing because the mutual friend will leave the area soon at the end of the first term. Dd by then will probably have new friends in her new class, whereas the friend will struggle more having continued for another term as best friends to this girl.