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Am the only person that feels like this?

(20 Posts)
sillybeingnervous Wed 06-Jul-11 20:38:06

Please don't judge me for this - I feel enough of an idiot already!

DS will start reception in September 2012 and already the mums at nursery are talking about which school they are going to apply for their DC to go to. The nursery covers quite a wide area and there are lots of local village schools.

Anyway, DH and I have already paid the deposit for DS to go to a local independent school and unless something changes in the next 12 months we feel it is the best choice for him/us. The trouble is that I feel too embarrassed to admit it to any of the other mums. Instead I brush off all of the questions with a false breezy "Oh, lots of time to worry about all that".

Did anyone else ever feel like this? Until I had DS I never knew school choices would be such an emotive subject and I hate the idea of being judged or labeled.

clutteredup Wed 06-Jul-11 20:43:44

Your child, your choice - but hang around here for a bit and you'll find independent / private sector discussions get emotive. Tell your friends , none of anyone else's business. No one should judge you, but soem will, as i said, your DC , your choice.

Elibean Wed 06-Jul-11 20:46:48

Its absolutely your child, your choice! I had the opposite, we put dd1 in one of the local state primaries whose reputation hadn't caught up with reality - we had lots of sniffy raised eyebrows and polite smiles. I smiled politely back smile

You can't stop judging or labelling, but you can and will rise above it!

Lady1nTheRadiator Wed 06-Jul-11 20:54:13

Why on earth are you embarrassed?

Lady1nTheRadiator Wed 06-Jul-11 20:55:21

What I mean is, you don't say anything to suggest you are being judged or labelled.

CMOTdibbler Wed 06-Jul-11 20:57:51

I just tell people that the independant school was the best solution for our childcare (wrap around, holiday) needs. This is entirely true too.

Doesn't stop people making silly comments, but thats their choice - this was the best choice for our family, and thats all anyone else needs to know

SocietyClowns Wed 06-Jul-11 21:04:23

I'd just say you haven't decided yet... Sept 2012 is a long way off and you may have to keep justifying your choice. Some people are like that and cannot accept that it has nothing to do with them. My dd is going into reception this September and I have so far only confirmed to my mum and one very close friend that she will stay where she is now.

sillybeingnervous Wed 06-Jul-11 22:48:03

Thank you for your replies, I will carry on being vague for a wee bit longer!

Lady I think it's just that I haven't heard anyone else considering private education and worry that people will treat DS differently for some reason.

<<goes off to Google 'growing a thicker skin'>>

aries12 Thu 07-Jul-11 11:50:04

I would say nothing for as long as possible, really it's your child and your decision but I can also understand why your choice may be seen as different.
It's along way off so you can still carry on for a while saying you have not made a definate decision yet.
People are just naturally curious and may not always mean to be judgemental but it's human nature and we all do it if we are honest!

redskyatnight Thu 07-Jul-11 12:07:22

Well I'm actually coming at it from the other side of the coin here. DS is about to move to a junior school. The majority of his year group are also going there - a few are moving out of the area, and a couple have other places locally.

so unless parents have told me otherwise, I've made the natural assumption that their children will move to this school. I've had various conversations with one mum about our children moving on (for something to say, no particular ulterior motive).

Last week the children had a session at their new school. This mum's DD was consipicous by her absence. When I asked her mum about her later, she finally said that in fact she was going to a private school. I am now feeling like a total idiot and wondering why on earth mum did not mention it earlier. I couldn't care less where her child is going, but I do feel like I have been lied to or at least delibarately misled.

I think people realise you do have to get names down for private schools quite well in advance, and may find it very odd or deceitful that you have gone months without mentioning it.

wordfactory Thu 07-Jul-11 12:12:15

Sending your DC to indeoendent school is a real line in the sand moment, I found.
Some people will be sniffy about it. Some will be openly hostile...including folk you have previously got on with perfectly well, even been close to.

You just have to man up, I'm afraid.

Tryharder Thu 07-Jul-11 12:15:44

I think it's worse if you try and conceal it. I have friends who send their DCs to private school. They earn more than I do [shrug]. It's no big deal.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 07-Jul-11 12:20:13

Have to agree with redsky I've been in this situation too and just couldn't understand why the parents hadn't told us and were so shifty looking when they did.

Everyones family and circumstances are different and its upto you where you send your child.

Be honest and if people don't like it then that's their problem, not yours. You are just doing what you think is right for your child.

campingshop Thu 07-Jul-11 12:30:53

Can I add that this cuts the other way too. Lots of people assumed that I would be sending ds to the local prep school theirs were all going to. Some of them were quite judgey and surprised about our decision to use the local state primary. I hadn't given them any indication either way until then because we hadn't decided how many children we would be having and this would be the determining factor in deciding whether to go independent or not.

I've seen very little of these 'friends' since our children started school and although I know that they all still meet up for coffee regularly and that this may be because I don't bump into them at the school gates every day, I do suspect that some of them feel that either we don't value education like they do or that we are too poor to have much in common.

campingshop Thu 07-Jul-11 12:32:17

What I'm trying to say, Wordfactory, is that it's the line in the sand moment if you don't send your children to prep school too.

curtaincall Thu 07-Jul-11 12:33:46

When I told my good friends of our decision: one of them couldn't afford it but would have made that choice if possible, another wanted dc to go to local state because DH had been there but supported our choice and my third friend can't understand the idea of wanting to privately ed at all and is philosophically against it. However, we're still all good friends and we ensure our DCs get time to play together outside school.

I've met two people who were pretty hostile. One I met was clearly upset as she would have liked her DC to go private. Most just accept our decision. I can't know for sure what people are saying about us in private but am too busy to worry about that.

neolara Thu 07-Jul-11 12:40:40

My experience has been that the majority of people I know who send their children to private school have seemed to offer "justification" as to why they have taken that decision. Frankly, where they send their kids to school is absolutely no business of mine. I don't feel that they need to justify themselves to me in any way whatsoever. I imagine most of the people I know would feel the same. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 07-Jul-11 12:43:46

camping could it be that you have just drifted apart from these friends and its nothing to do with Public versus State? I find it hard sometime to find the time to meet up with friends that DS made before starting school.

rosar Thu 07-Jul-11 12:43:52

OP with an important decision like this, perhaps the ones who may object to your choice do so because they have issues with their own decision?

I've never found it easy to predict what school someone else would choose. But if they discussed it, generally it made perfect sense for them and their family situation. Which is why I think if someone responds in a negative way, it probably reflects more on them than on you.

I hope DS loves his time there.

skybluepearl Thu 07-Jul-11 18:19:36

i know 2 people (with fab local state schools) who are sending their kids to private schools in september. i would never be negative about it, just glad they are able to choose the education they want.

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