DS HATES his school (bullying, mad teachers etc)

[DarkenedSky]

From the age of 3 to 9 DS2 went to school 'A'. He mixed with a rowdy set of lads and they were always in trouble for fighting, trouble causing and basically being pains. DS was placed on school action plus but the school were terrible when it came to letting me know what was happening. They begrudged it when I tried to speak to them about DS progress, just didn't seem interested. On the way home from school one night the group of lads were caught chucking stones at cars. DS wasn't involved this time as he wasn't with them by chance but other nights, he would have been and on this particular night the lads were caught by a police officer (after a stone hit the police car!!) and one of the lads actually punched the officer. Thank god DS wasn't with them this night. Anyway I told DS after this that he wasn't to mix with these kids anymore. True to his word, he refused to walk home with them the night after and in return they kicked the shit out of him in the street.

So chapter 2 - I moved him to school 'B'. Now, I went to school B as a child and HATED it, I was bullied and made to feel like shit BUT it is known to be the best school in the city, was rated as outstanding by ofsted and has an excellent name. I told myself my experience was 20+ years ago and DS would be fine.

First few days he loved it. Now he HATES it. He says he has no friends at all in his class, he gets called a retard and a tramp, the other kids laugh at him and generally take the piss out of him.

I don't know if its a social 'class' thing or not school 'a' was on the edge of a council state so DS never had a problem of people thinking he was 'poor' or stupid because everyone was very similar in that respect. School 'B' is in a very posh area, the kids are generally well off (one little girl in his class proudly takes her blackberry curve to school and a lad in year 6 has an iphone). I just don't know what to do next. Tonight he came home in tears, the teacher had read his homework out loud in front of the entire class and said it was awful, not written in English and was a mess and rubbish basically. He ended up in a big argument on his table where everyone turned against him and said he was "horrible" and that they intended to tell everyone in the school or horrible and disgusting he was. At hometime an older boy kicked him numerous times before a girl pushed him against the wall and refused to let him go, he shouted at her very loud and pushed her to which the older kid decided DS had "attacked a girl" and kicked him very hard in return.

He absolutely hates the school and is begging me to let him go back to his old school. It's so difficult though because school 'B' is the feeder school for the secondary school he will be going to so next september (2012) he's going to have to see 99% of these kids again anyway.

Only other option is that I try and get him into the primary in the neighbouring village with a view of also letting him go to the village secondary school (which is a different school to his brother.

But how many times is this going to happen??? what if I send him to another school and it all starts again?? how many times can we simply say "this isn't working, we're moving". He's in year 6 after september.

I really regret moving him to school 'B' I feel so guilty but I don't know what to do to make it better??

He's written me a list of the names he gets called inc, queer, gayboy, tramp, spaz, div, idiot, freak etc

He tells me everyone in the school hates him and the teachers always side with the other kids because they back each other up.

[colditz]

Have you spoken to the teachers?

[TheFlyingOnion]

Have you been into school and reported the bullying to the teacher/headteacher?

This should be your first step imo, then see how they deal with it. If you're not happy with the way the bullies are dealt with, then maybe consider moving him in September? He only has one short term to go anyway until the long holidays.

If he is into year 6 next year, he really needs some settled time in school before SATs.

[TheFlyingOnion]

If it is a large sceondary, he may not come across many of his old group of friends from school A anyway?

[animula]

Yikes. Poor you, poor your ds.

Saw your post in AIBU, and the first few replies.

I agree with the poster who said you couldn't realistically leave him in school A, so leave the guilt to one side, and bend your mind to moving forwards.

Agree with poster who suggested investigating if there are two-sides to what is going on (or even three, or four, sides!). Children do find it unsettling to fit in at a new school - wherever they have come from, wherever they have re-located. It's hard. And let's hope there is another side to this in this instance, because if there is, that'll give you something to work with. If it's as bad as he says (and it might be - but let's hope it's not) then you may have to continue looking. But given that another change is not an optimal solution, you have to start with the first action of trying to work with what you and he have, and see if there is anything you can do to improve the situation.

So. Can you "embed" him and yourself in the school a bit? Does he have any friends that you can invite home, and work with (ie. find out info from them, get to know the parents, see if you can help him get a secure friendship base, from which he can grow in confidence).

I'd talk to the teacher, initially in a non-confrontational way. Ask to see her and say there have been settling issues at home, does she see the same in class? Are there things you can both do to get him more settled?

Any groups, out of school, he can join, that also include children from the new school, that you can attend with him (even if just to drop off/pick up from, so you meet some parents)?

And those names he is being called - they are deeply, deeply offensive. I only have experience of schools in London, but none of those would be tolerated. There would be parents being called in to school if those terms wee being used on school premises. Seriously. Schools (in my experience, and only my experience) are very hot on equality and diversity (with good reason) and any such language/attitude would be dealt with extremely firmly. So it might be something to raise soonish.

[southofthethames]

My sympathies, OP.What an awful situation. I think you need to have a word with school B's headteacher. The village primary school is certainly a possibility, do visit it with your DS first to see what you both think. After the two brothers start going to secondary school it is less important to have both children in the same school.