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Why does everyone want to judge my choice of school???

(119 Posts)
Betsy8 Thu 17-Feb-11 11:24:25

My children are both in Independent education for very good reasons. It is tough on us financially but we are coping. Why do some people at state school have to be so judgemental about this? I have never commented on someone else's education choice for their kids. My husband's family always make comments about it, with my sister-in-law smugly telling us how her kids walked the grammar entrance from a state primary - She is a teacher and spent a fortune on tuition! Another friend, from a very, very middle class, predominantly white village announced smugly that she wanted her daughter to see 'all walks of life'!! My daughter, who was miserable, now smiles at the beginning and end of every day. That is worth the one car, the holiday every other year, and minimal shoe closet that I have, and the other sacrifices that we make. Why can't state school parents accept this? What really annoys me is that my husband spends so much on tax each year, he is actually donating two places at our offsted rated primary school to another child!!! My kids are not spoilt. They have to work hard for their pocket money, they both have to help out around the house with everyday chores and my daughter, now 9 is learning to cook meals for all of us. This surely flies in the face of my friend's recent comment "private school kids do not know how the real world works". It is as though once you decide to pay for a good education you become a moral punchbag and your feelings do not count any more. Does anyone out there have experience of this and if so, do you have any good, polite retorts that I can use as I am running out of patience now...

scurryfunge Thu 17-Feb-11 11:26:59

You sound a bit insecure about your choice. You do not have to justify to anyone. Just ignore.

Blu Thu 17-Feb-11 11:30:33

Going by what you have written, the only comment whihc is critical of pivate schools is the one from your freind about the 'eal world'. All the others are siple explanations about why they made their choice or are happy with what they got, choice or not - just as you will have your own reasons for your choice.

And your comments about your husbands tax / donating school places etc are just as much a moral judgement / punch as you accuse others of making.

JaxTellersOldLady Thu 17-Feb-11 11:31:17

just ignore them. I dont send my children to private school, but have plenty of friends who do. It is a non issue, doesnt even enter into our conversations.

Be happy that your children are happy and dont rise to anyone elses opinion.

darleneconnor Thu 17-Feb-11 11:32:13

Some peole are very sanctimonious about their choice of state school.

They but thier way into the best catchments, pay for tuition, lie about religous beliefs, then lok down their noses at parents who make financial sacrifices to go private.

Dont worry, statistically, your PE DCs will have the last laugh.

scurryfunge Thu 17-Feb-11 11:32:49

Yes, I did wonder how one person can donate school places to a state school.

Don't play the "we sacrifice everything to go to private school" and then have a little boast about your husband's wage!

eyetunes Thu 17-Feb-11 11:34:22

I wouldn't let it bother me in the least.

You do not have to justify your reasons for your choice to anyone.

BristolJim Thu 17-Feb-11 11:40:05

Presumably you don't think the state system is good enough for your DC? Fair enough, but don't expect people not to feel resentful that they're having to put their children through a system you have deigned not up to scratch for you DC.

And certainly don't expect us to feel thankful that you're paying for it, FFS.

mrsruffallo Thu 17-Feb-11 11:40:48

You must be surrounded by strange friends if you get relentless comments about this. For what it's worth, I am very pro state school and don't like the attitudes that a lot of private school children seem to have, but I wouldn't dream of saying that to my friends with private school children.
As for your husband donating school places- I don't really understand what you mean. Parents from state schools pay tax too!

mrsruffallo Thu 17-Feb-11 11:43:50

We are tax payers too- I am not donating hospital beds, or a policeman to walk the beat on your street.
It is your choice to go private, so don't complain about your husband's taxes ( a very small part of them) going towards state education.
I can only imagine that you are pissing people off by banging on about this, which is why they bite back

chopchopbusybusy Thu 17-Feb-11 11:57:59

Ignore them it's your choice. I do hope you don't tell them about paying twice though. You (or, in this case your DH) is not donating state school places, he's paying tax which is used for many things, some of which your family will benefit from.

RunforFun Thu 17-Feb-11 11:58:10

I used to feel like you about our choices, but then I grew a thick skin and learned to mostly ignore or retaliate with 'yes... but a small class size is wonderfull'...to those really irritating ones.

The people you are surrounded by currently, I'm guessing preschool playgroups, ballet etc will be out of the picture in 6 months time. Come September in a newcircle of 'friends' with similar choices it wont be an issue.

However I do have to add that my DD at 14 with her constant wish list and financial demands hasnt got a clue how it is in the real world grin

Ormirian Thu 17-Feb-11 12:05:33

"What really annoys me is that my husband spends so much on tax each year, he is actually donating two places at our offsted rated primary school to another child!!!"

Gosh how kind of him. Both my Dh and I pay taxes too. Lots of them. I wonder if that is enough to pay for my children's places at school? If not, thank your DH for me won't you?

Don't listen to them, try not to care. But above all don't come out with crap about how generous your DH is and how many sacrificies you make. We all pay taxes and we all make sacrificies for our children.

sue52 Thu 17-Feb-11 12:12:06

If you choose to privately educate your children then thats your choice and just ignore anyone trying to put you down for it. I do think your line about donating 2 places at your local state school is a little bit annoying though.

skiphopskidaddle Thu 17-Feb-11 12:38:17

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

JoanofArgos Thu 17-Feb-11 12:42:50

You're happy, your kids are happy, it's all good for you.... not sure why you need a pat on the back, a thank you and the general approval from everyone using the state system you didn't think was good enough as well?

It's a choice, fine - but people can judge, despise and dislike it, just as they can any other choice you make! Deal with it.

littlebylittle Thu 17-Feb-11 13:00:56

Your choice, but please don't talk about sacrifice when that means one car, a biannual holiday and not too many shoes. You are entitled to make whatever choice you like, but part of being in the real world is realising that your sacrificial situation is other people's dream. It is not the choice of private education that annoys people, more the justifications that come along with it. It would really annoy me if someone came out with that in real life, and does. So far I can smile sweetly and nod but it's only a matter of time with one acquaintance!

pagwatch Thu 17-Feb-11 13:08:12

Most people don't judge. To be honest most people don't give a shit.

But your stuff about oaring taxes and freeing up state school p laces would annoy the crap o ut of me and two of my children are at independent schools.

I am not even sure why you keep getting in conversations about this stuff. I never talk about schools unless I have just met someone and we ask about each others children - then it tends to come up.

You sound immensely chippy tbh.

I only ever had one friend who endlessly made digs at me about my dcs schools. So I am not her friend any more.

Stop talking about it. Stop justifying yourself and stop all your snidy comments about tuition and middle class friends. It isn't necessary.

AMumInScotland Thu 17-Feb-11 13:10:30

How kind of you to "donate" 2 places at a school which isn't good enough for your children to those of us who don't/can't "decide to pay for a good education"

Maybe it's comments like that which make your friends and family retaliate with their "smug" comments about their own choices?

miniwedge Thu 17-Feb-11 13:11:47

I think you sound like the one with the issue actually.

Who cares where your kids go to school? As long as you picked the right school for your child other peoples opinions make no difference.

And, you will find that people will critiscise your choices where ever you choose to school, we are waiting for secondary offer day at the moment and the competition is bizarre.

Your husband doesn't pay for my dd's school places, please don't slate the state system if you don't like hearing critiscism of your own choices.

EldritchCleavage Thu 17-Feb-11 13:15:18

What really annoys me is that my husband spends so much on tax each year, he is actually donating two places at our offsted rated primary school to another child!!!

That is offensive. He is not 'donating' anything. Paying tax is not donating', it's stumping up your due, which we all do. I've only got a 2 year old child. Has my 20 years of substantial tax paying up to now been an unfair donation to the education system for other people's children? I don't think so.

That said, I think it is a pity if you are getting rude remarks over your choice of schools. Ignore it.

crystalglasses Thu 17-Feb-11 13:17:41

Betsy8 - ignore the criticisms here, I understand perfectly where you're coming from.

frogs Thu 17-Feb-11 13:18:41

I have friends and relatives who have gone private because they think it's the best decision for their family and they can (in some cases only just) afford it. I have no problem with their choice, and they have no problem with mine. Everybody's happy and we carry on being friends.

I know other people who go private and feel the need to constantly justify their choice to me, which is usually some variant on "Oh my child is too sensitive/bright/creative/special to go to a state school". Which carries the distinct implication that my children are insensitive/stupid/uncreative and ordinary. Alternatively, it is sometimes implied that we have played the system by faking religion and/or moving into the catchment area of good state schools. Which is also nonsense. Both these approaches piss me off -- I won't get into an argument with people cos I can't be arsed, but it is not something I enjoy having to listen to. So I tend to avoid their company.

In point of fact, I do not care where other people send their dc or how they spend their money. I am happy with my dc's schools, and that is enough for me. What I don't like is having to listen to a whole bunch of pissy self-justification. And the argument that we should be grateful that your taxes are paying for our state school places is daft and insulting. So send your kids where you like, and shut up about it. You will most likely find that people will repay the favour.

beautifulgirls Thu 17-Feb-11 13:29:36

They aren't judging your choice of school, they are judging your attitude.

happystressedmum Thu 17-Feb-11 13:36:10

My advice is to stop justifying your decision! I have the same thing with various 'friends' and family who wish to judge me on my decision to send my ds to a private school. I get totally fed up by it and now just tell people to mind their own business - it is our decision and no- one elses and because I send my ds to private school does not mean I think the school their children go to are 'crap/rubbish etc' as this is clearly what they think because of the choice we made.

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