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Do I tell DS this is bullying?

(6 Posts)
KnowNothing Fri 03-Dec-10 12:35:23

Found out last night that DS (Y1) is being bullied at school by a so called friend.
This friend has had a variety of behaviour issues (nothing disgnosed or specific just badly behaved) but I had not realised how nasty, violent and unpleasant he was being towards DS.

Obviously school are now fully aware and are going to speak to both boys.

DS is not a very confident boy, but is really loving and caring, and loyal even to this friend. All my suggested phrases were turned down by him on the grounds that he wants to be a kind friend. eg I suggested saying 'I don't like it when you do/say that and I don't want to play with you now'.

They have had anti-bullying lessons at school but I don't think it has ocurred to DS that he is being bullied. Do I point this out hoping it will make him feel justified in tackling the bully, or would pointing it out put DS in the role (and mind set?) of victim? I don't want to damage his self esteem.

Thanks in advance for any advice - my heart is breaking for him. He has gone from loving school to only liking the subject they are in different groups for sad

annoyingdevil Fri 03-Dec-10 13:17:58

I wish I knew the answer as my lovely year one DD is going through the exact same thing with a 'friend'

Some children seem to lack any empathy, very hard to witness, when your child is the loving, caring kind.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Fri 03-Dec-10 13:23:41

Maybe you don't need to use the word "bully". But you could explain to DS that part of being a kind friend is telling your friends when they do something wrong to help them not to do it again. You could suggest DS says "I don't like it when you do/say that because you're my friend and it's not a nice thing for friends to do/say to each other"...

GrimmaTheNome Fri 03-Dec-10 13:28:38

I've never been in this situation, but I have an idea - don't know if it would work!

Perhaps you can tell your lovely DC something like this: your friend needs to learn that what he's doing isn't nice, and if he does it to other people he'll get into serious trouble. If you want to be a really good friend to him, you have to firmly let him know when he's doing things you don't like so he can learn to be a better friend to.

Something along those lines - so your DC can see their response as constructive rather than taking on the victim role?

onimolap Fri 03-Dec-10 13:30:26

If it's happening at school, have you spoken to his teacher about it? If so, what did s/he say?

KnowNothing Fri 03-Dec-10 14:34:38

Thank you all.

Annoyingdevil, its hard isn't it. I know the 'friend' quite well and you hit the nail on the head about empathy - he just doesn't have any at all.

Breastmilk & Grimma, I will use that approach - thanks.

onimolap - had a long talk with the teacher. She is going to speak to both boys, and also let the other adults know. Shes going to stress to my DS that he can tell any grown up anything at any time. (He often doesn't speak up because its lining up time or lunchtime or quiet time or whatever and he thinks he has to follow those rules at any cost!)

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