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No party invites

(26 Posts)
Trisha01 Thu 02-Dec-10 09:56:16

My dd is nearly 8 and over the last year has started being excluded from any parties going on in the class. She is of an age now where she knows exactly what is going on and is coming home in tears when she hears of yet another party she isn't invited to.

One of parents invited 12 girls to their kids party and there are only 14 girls in the class.

My dd had her own party last year and we invited all the girls in the class so nobody was left out.

I know this is all part of life but how to I explain to her time and time again why she isn't invited. I am really worried about how all this will affect her confidence on the long-term and I would love some advice on how to make it less painful for her.

She is a quiet gentle little girl and I so don't understand why this is happening? Could it be that when a child is left out of a few parties people think nobody else invites that child so therefore I won't and it just continues.

healthyElfy Thu 02-Dec-10 10:31:01

No help with the school situation, but wanted to suggest that she makes friends outside school at Brownies or tennis club or something to boost her confidence.

Ineedtinsel Thu 02-Dec-10 10:41:25

You may find that most people are not having full on parties but just taking a couple of friends to the pictures or pizza hut or something. We stopped parties at 7 as did most of the others in all the Dd's classes.

Ineedtinsel Thu 02-Dec-10 10:42:52

Forgot to say, I agree with healthy but would suggest a Brownies or club that classmates go to so she can bond with them away from the preassures of school.

Changebagsandgladrags Thu 02-Dec-10 11:08:44

But if a parent invited 12 out of 14 then that is just mean on the two left out.

Notevenamouse Thu 02-Dec-10 11:38:41

It happens in our school all the time. I cannot understand why an adult would leave out one or two. To me it seems common sense that you either invite just a few or all of the girls. I feel your pain. I agree with the outside school friends suggestion. I would also plan to invite a group home from school from time to time. It is hard work but it really helps. We have an ice cream party in the summer with five or so girls and a xmas card decorating party with maybe a different five then the last five will come for an easter egg hunt. No one is left out over the year. We also organise group cinema trips from time to time. I just go up to all the girls mums and tell them we will be going to say Tangled on Saturday at 11 if they would like to join us some do and some look at me like hmm but I don't care grin. We all pay for ourselves and it breaks down the barriers. In the summer I ring and ask people to meet up in the park for a big picnic. It really helps if you have a quiet child. We also invite everyone to our parties. You sound lovely, don't let them get you and your daughter down.

crazygracieuk Thu 02-Dec-10 13:10:55

Personally I have never done a whole class party as my kids aren't friends with the whole class but I'd never miss out just 1 or 2. How can the parents be so cruel??

kreecherlivesupstairs Thu 02-Dec-10 13:15:59

While I agree that it is cruel (my DD has been one left out) is it possible that, while you see your DD as quiet and gentle, she isn't like that at school? Please dont' be offended, DD had a 'friend' like that two years ago. The girl was quiet and thoughtful at home, but like something else at school. She was antagonistic and bullying and the other children really couldn't take to her.

ragged Thu 02-Dec-10 13:23:42

How does your DD know about the other parties, OP? From chatting with other children, or are invites handed out publicly? DC are hardly ever invited to parties, but they don't seem to know that -- I think discrete handing out of invites help keep them in the dark.

Makes no difference, ime, how much social contact they have outside of school. I'm rather used to it, now, and thankfully DC don't seem to notice.

I probably left just a few boys out at DS's 6yo party last year. I just asked him who he wanted (almost all boys) and didn't stop and think about who might be left out. Would have had to ask for a class list to figure it out.
Sorry... Just didn't think blush.

healthyElfy Fri 03-Dec-10 09:36:33

Agree with Ineedtinsel and Notevenamouse (great Christmas names btw!). Extra help might be needed. I hated doing the social thing outside school as I am very shy but I have made freinds with some fo the mums now and its easier, and I think it helps dd.

It doesnt always 'work' as such, this year dd was left out of a party by a friend but she shrugged it off and got over it. I hope my social efforts have gone some way to helping her do that.

plus3 Fri 03-Dec-10 09:51:52

DS has not received a single invitation to any of the parties this term - he has sensory processing disorder, and can be difficult which many of the parents know about. According to the teacher he is a very popular member of the class, so I know he is being blocked at parent level sad

I think as they get older the parties do get smaller, and it is feasible that the same few popular children will get invited to everything. I think the answer is to focus on the friends that your DC do have, and try to shrug the rest of it off (easily said - my DH has spent hours trying to cheer me up about this!!!!)

harvalp Fri 03-Dec-10 09:54:43

Personally, I'd never invite a child to a party if their parent called it an 'invite' rather than an invitation. Definitely not PLU.
smile

mummytime Fri 03-Dec-10 10:02:56

My youngest DD was not invited to any parties last year, even those of her two best friends. Although as they weren't quite so friendly at the start of the year when their birthdays were, this could be why. She can be awkward, but is also very aware and knows this happened. I'm hoping she isnt as aware that her best friend had a special birthday tea and she wasn't one of the two girls invited; as this year things are going a bit better.
My DS also had the year when someone had a football party for 30 boys, and invited all but a handful of the year (including my son).

It happens, I think getting involved in outside activities is a very good idea. As is trying to arrange some regular play dates.

Nuttybear Fri 03-Dec-10 10:17:16

Just a thought. My DS is an 'only' so I work hard on having playdates since he was little I also do a number of things that means that DS is well known by other parents. (read my other thread regarding our problem, so nothing is perfect)
1, Invite friends with working parents for a day out with us. Last trip had 3 Mum + my sister, 3 kids without parents (they were working) + 6 kids.
2.Day out to greenwich with class mate.
3.Help out at the School & Church Christmas, Easter, Summer Fair (I'm not a Christian!)
Beavers & Rugby not with school friends.
Odd thing is that Ds is invited to girls parties and not so many of boys! hmm
This may all change next year!

coccyx Fri 03-Dec-10 11:07:54

people do have smaller parties at this age. I would never invite all the class except 2!

MammyT Fri 03-Dec-10 20:18:20

Do you think she could have lost the invitation to the party where 12/14 girls were invited?

It seems to me that at least 2 parents (different ones!) seem to miss an announcement or handout at school - invitations, school notices etc.

Just a thought..

ebonyfish Fri 03-Dec-10 20:28:56

If she's quiet and gentle, do you think she is just simply being overlooked by the children and their parents - is a bit invisible? Slips under everyone's radar?

I really feel for her - being excluded is horrible and the parents are perhaps a bit insensitive, although they have every right to invite who they like.

Make sure your dd feels content being the person she is, but also perhaps work at making sure she's learning the social skills that get children bonded into groups. Get her to join in with activities and speak up to make her contribution to what's going on, and the same goes for you networking with the parents.

WorldsSlowestTypist Fri 03-Dec-10 21:18:38

Did your daughter join the class/school later than most? I once discovered that a Mum was using a class list issued in Reception when the children were in Year 3!

2 children were missed out for Xmas cards and birthday parties because they were not at the school when the list was written.

curlymama Fri 03-Dec-10 21:28:43

Sometimes you do have to remember that lots of places do party packages, where you pay a set price for 10, 12, 20 children. I know in the past I have done that for my two, and if the difference between inviting 10 or inviting 12 is an extra £50 according to the ridiculous pricing plan at whatever place my dc's have chosen, then there may be some that are left out. Both of mine have just invited friends that they actually spend time playing with, it can start to get very expensive by the time you have invited every girl/boy in a class, plus cousins, plus out of school friends.

I think that quite often children being left out is more down to cost than anything else.

gladis Sat 04-Dec-10 12:38:16

Are you friendly with any of the other mums in the class trisha?

west243 Sat 04-Dec-10 16:09:53

When my ds was in nursery I relied on the nursery to provide the list of names of the kids to invite to my ds's party.Only realised later that I hadn't invited one kid because it was not on the list given to me. Felt really bad about it.
I imagine its the same for school that one would ask the teacher or TA for the list. could be that the name was accidentaly left off the list and therefore your dd didn't get invited. I doubt there are many parents who would intentionally leave out a couple of names when others were invited. But maybe I'm being naive about primary school culture.

coatgate Sat 04-Dec-10 16:18:42

How awful for your DD. I feel your pain. My DD was excluded from a few parties in Y4 -for a variety of reasons - we had some issues with one of the parents running a sports group and so DD was not invited to that party, and it just seemed to snowball from there - plus DD 'befriended' an unusual girl in her class and was left out because of that. One girl had the whole class except my DD, but I think that was an oversight or the invitation was lost.

But it has all changed now and she gets invited to most of her 'friends' parties. I would love someone to tell me what makes a child popular and another unpopular, but I suppose that is the eternal question.

Rest assured, things will change as she gets older. Try not to get too upset.

Hullygully Sat 04-Dec-10 16:23:37

Parties should be banned.

Trisha01 Sun 05-Dec-10 12:53:56

Thanks everyone for your replies, you've certainly given me some great ideas on being more proactive to do things to help her. She already goes to Brownies and Karate classes which does help her confidence.

A poster spoke about their DS being blocked at parent level. I do think that this maybe happening in my case as well. There is a lot of snobbery at DD's school which is in an affluent area (which I don't live, and I am anything but a yummy mummy). If this is the case then it is very sad.

I just can't believe how upsetting the situation is. I've got two younger DS's coming up to school soon so I think I had better get used to it.

petelly Sun 05-Dec-10 18:35:51

Trisha if those girls' parents are not inviting your dd out of snobbism towards you then they are absolutely disgusting individuals. It makes me so angry - what kind of lessons are their children learning??

I would actually mention it to the class teacher. Inviting the whole class or all the girls/boys bar one or two children is hurtful and inconsiderate. It's wrong on so many levels.

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