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is it ever appropriate to speak directly to the child who is bullying your child?

(45 Posts)
harpsichordcarrier Wed 01-Dec-10 11:32:33

I haven't come across this situation before, so would welcome some advice.
my dd (y3) is being bullied by a girl in y4. Namecalling, shoving, ostracising, that kind of thing. DD becoming very upset by this, almosy every night. DD not a particularly sensitive child, loves school, but definitely a problem for her confidence and happiness.
I spoke to the teacher this morning, who didn't really give any response except to say that dd hadn't mentioned it to her. I am due to pick dd up from school; if I was to see the child in question, would it be ever appropriate to ask her to stop behaving in this way towards dd?
obviously I am not talking about intimidating her, but just a quiet word about her behaviour.
thoughts welcome

Notevenamouse Wed 01-Dec-10 11:35:03

I wouldn't TBH I would go and be more pushy with the school and make them sort it out.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Wed 01-Dec-10 11:35:46

yes of course you can speak to her directlybut it may not help tbh

Hullygully Wed 01-Dec-10 11:35:58

Everyone will say you shouldn't.

I would. Politely, but clearly.

Notevenamouse Wed 01-Dec-10 11:37:01

If you do you may get into trouble with their parents and the school will be less sympathetic to you.

harpsichordcarrier Wed 01-Dec-10 11:37:14

mm, interesting range of opinions.
I think I can do polite and clear, and I feel - instinctively - that it is the quickest way to resolve the issue.

Notevenamouse Wed 01-Dec-10 11:37:34

Unless you actually witness somthing, then fair enough say something to them.

harpsichordcarrier Wed 01-Dec-10 11:38:46

would I? get 'into trouble' with the parents? why?
I don't see that I would object to an adult talking to my dd, unless they were aggressive or intimidating, tbh.
it IS my business if she is upsetting my child to the point of tears on a daily basis.

booyhohoho Wed 01-Dec-10 11:38:56

i wouldn't simply for the fact that the child will go straight to mummy crying about teh mean lady shouting at her. not that you will shout but bullies tend to be manipulative in order to save their own skin so she will most likely exagerate what you said or even lie. so best to speak to teacher or ehr parent directly that way, no confusion about what you have siad.

BEAUTlFUL Wed 01-Dec-10 11:39:58

Why not speak to her parents too?

Notevenamouse Wed 01-Dec-10 11:40:30

She may say you were intimidating and you couldn't prove otherwise.

ChippingIn Wed 01-Dec-10 11:40:35

I'm with Hully.

Don't say anything you wouldn't want her to repeat - so think carefully what you say, but I would definitely do it.

My goddaughter was getting this kind of thing every morning on the school bus, the school were hopeless - I walked with her to the bus one morning and the girl was there. I had a few words - job done.

Itsjustafleshwound Wed 01-Dec-10 11:40:52

My friend's DS was being bullied. She saw the said child in the playground with his parent and went up to the parent and had a polite word with him. He was horrified and the bullying stopped.

I suppose the point is the child will just deny it or ignore you. I suppose you could see if you can speak directly to the child's parent and approach the school. Print out the bullying procedures from the school website and go in to the meeting armed and with concrete examples.

Hope you get his sorted out ! I am astounded at how some schools (like the INFANT school my DD is at) has such a lacklustre attitude when the issue of bullying is raised - almost a 'we won't acknowledge it so it will go away or didn't happen' kind of approach.

Good luck!

harpsichordcarrier Wed 01-Dec-10 11:53:34

Interesting range of opinions...
need to go into school again, I think :-/

hatsybatsy Wed 01-Dec-10 12:31:55

v tricky one IMO? Imagine that another child was alleging your dd was the bully in this situation - hwo would you feel about that child's parent speaking directly to your dd to reprimand her?

As a mother, I would prefer the parent to approach me. I would be horrified but could then deal with it in my own way.

(and am sort of speaking from experience as 4yo dd has recently turned into a thug - have come down on her like a ton of bricks)

kreecherlivesupstairs Wed 01-Dec-10 12:35:21

I would (and have) spoken directly to the parents when the school was useless.
Problem resolved.
In another lifetime I did tell a boy that if I saw him pinch my dd again I would snap his fingers off, and told him to tell his parents.

booyhohoho Wed 01-Dec-10 12:41:56

grin @ kreecher

JellyBelly10 Wed 01-Dec-10 12:42:30

If this child is in Y4 then presumably they still get dropped to school by their parents. What I would do is as soon as you see them in the playground go up to the parents and the child together and politely but confidently talk to them as equals, ie direct the conversation at the child AND the parent together. I would say something like "Hello I was hoping to catch the two of you. My DD has told me on a number of occasions that you have been quite unkind to her, calling her names and even pushing her etc...and I wanted you to know how sad it is making her feel and how we would really like you to stop doing this straight away"....I am assuming that the parent can't take massive offense at this as it is perfectly polite, and as it is said to and in the presence of the parent the child cannot exaggerate a story about how you told her off...so I definitely would not talk to the child without the parent there. If the parent then decides to make some complaint to the school that you spoke to ehr about this you can say to the school that you already went the "correct" route of talking to the school about it ut the situation was not managed by the school so you ahd no option but to politely approach the parent/child involved. That's what I would do anyway....but I am sure lots of people will say that you should never take these things into your own hands...but in my experience schools can be very soft on this sort of thing and expect children to deal with any kind of conflict-resolution themselves...

kreecherlivesupstairs Wed 01-Dec-10 12:46:23

or threaten to snap her fingers off and make her eat them wink
I know it isn't a laughing matter, our DD was really upset by a cunt little boy on her school bus.
FWIW, i think jellybelly's approach is the best.

seeker Wed 01-Dec-10 12:46:53

I don;t think I would at this age, based on the evidece of your child alone. I'm not saying that she's not telling you the truth - but it could be only some of the truth, if you see what I mean. Sometimes there is more to the stroyt han meets the eye. I might be inclined to have a word withe the parents, along the lines of "Dd says she and your dd aren't getting on very well at the moment - has your dd said anything ? Do you think there's anything we can do to sort it out?"

roundtable Wed 01-Dec-10 13:11:45

shock @ keecher

I can't believe you have just called a 'little boy' that.

How old was he? If he really was a little boy I am appalled. His behaviour doesn't come from nowhere...

I personally think situations like this should be delt with by the class teacher, then head and if the parent decides to, to the other child's parents. If it still carries on then it needs to go further. Lots of schools now have learning mentors or equivalent that help children with social aspects that may affect their school day.

In my experiance schools don't ignore this sort of behaviour, I'm sorry if other peoples experiences differ.

hifi Wed 01-Dec-10 13:20:41

dd was constantly kicked and pushed by a boy in reception,i had a word with him and he never touched her again.

LadyLapsang Wed 01-Dec-10 13:24:00

Now you have told the teacher I would give her the opportunity to sort it out, but I'm a bit surprised she didn't explain how she was going to handle it / feedback to you.

If nothing changes then, depending on the child / family, it could be worth speaking to them directly, but this may make things worse.

harpsichordcarrier Wed 01-Dec-10 13:39:24

thanks for everyone's feedback. I went into reception and said that I maybe hadn't been clear about what I wanted: some idea of action to be taken. Receptionist was very helpful and promised to call me back today.

mosschops30 Wed 01-Dec-10 13:42:17

yes I have and same child still tries to speak to me when I see them at high school grin shes's all 'hi Mrs X' (arselicker) grin.
It worked well and nipped the problem in the bud.
I hate the way schools fanny around stuff like this, I have spoken to parents before too.

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