Dd(7) struggling to settle at Junior School (long sorry)

[hotcrossbunny]

Dd loved Infant School, progressed well, had lots of friends and, although shy, was quietly confident. Since she went up to Junior School, however, she's a different child and I'm getting to my wits end.

I was first concerned when she was separated into a different class to her friends, and we had a terrible summer holiday where she complained of tummy ache for much of the time. We took her to the drs but they could find nothing physically wrong with her. She was very very worried about starting school and basically just hasn't settled She has been in tears in assembly, lunch, tummy ache coming and going etc etc.

We've talked to the teacher and the head but it just isn't getting significantly better... We changed her to packed lunches which seemed to help for a little while, but now they have to eat their lunch in their classroom so she's apart from her friends again She said she'd try a hot meal this week, but came out of school tonight in tears complaining of tummy ache again, and claims she 'can't remember' what lunch was like. She apparently spent most of PE (outside) sitting in the medical room and then just watching.

Her work is suffering, she's not sleeping well and the Head had the nerve to say 'well she seems alright in school, are you sure she isn't putting it on at home?'

I really don't think she's happy, but I'm beginning to get cross with her TBH, so am looking for help from MNers...

Thank you!

[hotcrossbunny]

No-one?

[musicmadness]

I'm no expert with this but is she friends with anyone in her own class? Could you/the school encourage a friendship there or if she is really unhappy could she be moved into the other class with her friends - maybe at least during the lunchtime?
Are you 100% sure there is nothing physically wrong with regards to the stomach ache? Just my own experience with doctors but I have a joint problem and it took over a year for the doctor to admit it wasn't just "growing pains". If your sure then can you ask her when her stomach hurts? Maybe its just anxiety but something must be triggering it so maybe you could try to see if there is a common theme.
I've absolutely no idea how helpful that is but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered!

[ShanahansRevenge]

Oh that must be hard! So sory that she is having such a hard time of it.

Do her teachers say she has not made any friends yet? At such a yong age it seems unusual not to mix in at all when she has had no trouble previously.

I have a DD of 6...in year two...so I do kknow how they work....it had always seemed to methat until they get to 9 or 10 they are very flexible with friends....I also agree abot checking her stomach syptoms again...does she go to the loo ok?

I also think that inviting a child for tea would help a lot...maybe some of the ones who she was frinds with in her old class? Can she not play with them at playtime?

[pooka]

Would second the idea of encouraging friendships within her new class. Could you try a few playdates? At the same time the existing friendships with her old classmates can be maintained out of school.. DES best friend (yr 3, though they have been friends since reception) is in the other class. They've always been in different classes. Occasion ally it has been hard but they have the advantage of not getting on each others nerves so much.

I think the packed lunch eating in classrooms is mad btw - Dds school does seem to make an effort to mix the classes at breaks as much as possible and they have groups for literacy and maths so dd sses her friend in maths classesvandvfor some lieracy sessions..

Horrible for you. I know how difficult it is to maintain patience when you can't do much practical to help.

[pooka]

iPad one handed typing. Sorry gor mistakes.

[Goingspare]

I agree about keeping an eye on the stomach ache - my mother thought I hated infant school, but actually I had a grumbling appendix. Unfortunately, it's not easy to diagnose.

However, she does sound unhappy. I don't have any suggestions other than what everyone has suggested.

[hotcrossbunny]

Thank you all so much! was just having a last, slightly despondent check here before bed, and there you all are

The teacher is very strict about where the children sit in class. Up until this week, dd has been sitting with one girl from her previous school (but from a different class) and two boys from a different school, who she says are very naughty. After parents evening, when we begged for her to be moved, she's now sitting with another girl and two boys from her previous school. There seems little opportunity for the children to mix and get to know one another. I met a mum at a school meeting and had her dd home to play, and then my dd went to hers, but they're very different characters and didn't really gel. I will persevere tho...

We're continuing to see two of her close friends outside school, which does help, but it just doesn't seem to be enough She struggles to find them in the playground - it's a huge school - and when they do come into her class for maths she's not been allowed to sit with them despite the teacher saying she could move them. It seems to be she says what we want to hear, but does little...

The tummy aches do worry me. They're both sides, sort of like a stitch. Going to the loo is fine, checked for worms, urinary tract infections etc etc. They are fairly easy to distract her from, and appear suddenly when I mention something dd is worried about...

I'm seriously beginning to consider Home Educating, at least for this year and let her grow into her skin a bit. She's a late July birthday, so young in the year...

Sorry, long again! I'm off to bed now, but will check in in the morning. thank you

[ShanahansRevenge]

Now it seems to me that the school could do more. Your DD sould be helped to fin her older friends....do you think she could ask one of the helpers to help hr find them? You know...the dinner ladies who patrol the playground? It wouldn't take them much effort I shouldn't think....to walk about and look.

As for thenot letting her sit with her friends in maths...go back in and tell the teacher that DD is really struggling and if she would be allowed to sit with her old friends in maths then she might feel less lost...they should be helping her to settle!

What you say about them not being given the opportunity to mix alot is inteesting...if you're not the loud gregarious type it could be hard to just hurl yourself in with kids you dont know in the hurly burly of the playground...perhaps you could give DD some tips on joining in?

The girl she sits with for instance...could you ask DD if she could join up with her? Maybe suggest a game they can play at playtime?

If it were me I would be back in the school asking for a meeting....the school has as much responsibility towards the childs social development as everything else...it's not on to just leave little ones to their ow devices if it does not come easily.

[atah]

It sounds to me that your DD is very unhappy at school, i agree that the school should do more to help her be with her old friends, but also they should look into why she hasn't been able to make new friends in this class. Are the girls deliberately excluding her? It sounds harsh but little girls can be mean and exclusion is their most powerful weapon. Try to dig a bit deeper into the dynamics of the class and don't let the school fob you off.

it may be a good idea to see the doctor again just to rule out a physical problem.

In the meantime lots of cuddles and opportunities to talk alone with you - good luck

[inmypants]

My ds 7 is a very anxious boy and often is convinced he is going to be sick generally early in the mornings but it is massively heightened by anxiety.

I bought him a book called kids worry book

This was on recommendation from another mn'er and was very good it really helped him articulate his fears and helped him 'deal' with them. We still have odd momenets but we revist the book quite regularly.

I second the others who say the school should do more but it does sound like she has got a really habitual anxiety issue now that needs dealing with

hth

[hotcrossbunny]

Hello, thank you for your ideas. I'm glad you agree that the school could be doing more... The teacher is very difficult to get hold of, I wrote asking for an appointment and heard nothing, so I think I'll have to go over her head.

Dd still had tummy ache this morning. She's worrying about so many things, I think her tummy's in knots. Apparently one of her lunchtime groups has been moved to another day which clashes with Recorders. She's been in a panic about the teachers being cross, when she'll have lunch and having to go into lunch with all the older ones Have had a word this morning with a TA and she's said she'll make sure dd just has to go to Recorders as the other group has only changed for this week...

It just seems that poor dd is overwhelmed and out of her depth, and could do with a bit of support. Am considering requesting a meeting with the homeschool link worker - not sure if they deal with this sort of thing, but maybe they'll have some ideas????

I don't think the children in her class are excluding her as such, they're just all sitting with people from their previous schools and aren't allowed to mix (or at least this is what dd believes - she lives in fear of being told off, she's very law-abiding). Then I guess out in the playground dd is spending her time searching for her good friends. I think the teacher needs to give them all a chance to work with each other so they form a cohesive class...

[hotcrossbunny]

X-posted inmypants That book looks fabulous! I'm off to order it now We tried worry dolls, and dd was so disappointed when they didn't work - I'm sure being able to take control must help.

[inmypants]

Meant to add this really escalated over the summer in the approach to Yr3 and also this morning after probably a month of nothing after I teased him last night that the Head had seen him in a bush at school - a silly throw away comment by me but which made him worry he was in trouble !

[hotcrossbunny]

That sounds familiar! teasing can definitely backfire

A friend suggested that we had a meeting with the head and dd there - that would be dd's idea of hell, being the centre of attention, put on the spot and expected to talk. She'd think she was in trouble...

[ShanahansRevenge]

Would you be able to send DD to something like riding lessons? They're expensive I know but can be AMAZING for a girls confdence...it sounds like your DD is like me as a child...a huge worrier...always thinking shes going to get things wrong and not trusting her own instints and generally over-thinking things.

IF she can control a huge horse, then she may find that her confidence grows in general....its a well known thing that horse riding increases confidence.

Give DD something on her hand...a kiss works for us...and tell her that it will be "stuck" there all day...and when she feels worried she can touch it and remember that you are thinking of her and sending her some braveness.

I think the tummy trouble could well be anxiety...as a 10 year old I had a horrible teacher who made me SO stressed and fearful that I used to get a knotted stomach...I hpe the worry book helps....other than al the suggestions people have made, I think that constantly encouraging DD to trust herself will help.

Keep us updated! I am thinking of you both.

[hotcrossbunny]

Riding is a good idea - she already loves horses - but I don't think we could finance that ATM. Unless I could have a word with a grand-parent

I love the idea of the kiss on the hand Will be trying that tomorrow morning! I did put a little cuddly in her bag but she's worried she'll get into trouble for it, which I guess is probably causing her more worry!

Thing is (you've probably guessed!) I'm a worrier too, and have never managed to control it myself, so I'm worried(!) I'll get it wrong with dd and make it worse...

[Desboro]

My son, now aged nearly 8, had tummy ache frequently last academic year and several weeks of this, moving into the juniors. He was diagnosed after various investigations with 'abdominal migraine' (no other problems). The consultant said this term is used to describe frequent tummy aches that are usually caused by anxiety and may often, in teenage years, develop into proper migraine. Of course, it is really tension caused by anxiety but the label is very helpful in understanding that if he were older, he may well develop bad headaches, so it should not just be ignored. The main symptom is reported in the middle of the abdomen, where there is really very little internally that can go wrong. It sounds to me as though your daughter has a similar thing. I do not usually have much faith in the medical profession, although there are doctors in my family (!) but this man impressed me. He recommended treating the ache with paracetamol, as it is an actual pain, and that my son should be allowed to rest quietly in the classroom or lie down for 20 minutes or so until the symptoms improve. Fortunately, his school was very accommodating in this regard but some schools may not be so. I think the fact that I told the school it was to be treated with paracetamol made them realise it is a real symptom and not imaginary, even though it has a psychological cause.
I suggest that you take up the matter of your daughter's class with the class teacher as well as the head. Why not do as another mum has said and ask the class teacher to tell you if your daughter has someone in the class she appears to like. Can she be paired for activities with that child? Can you invite that child round to play?
It is likely that your daughter feels she is being punished for some reason, as children will usually take upon themselves as their own fault, things that they cannot explain or understand. Reassure her that it is nothing to do with anything she herself has done wrong and that there are some things you can try together to make it better. Ask for a meeting with the head and the class teacher and tell them, calmly, unemotionally and without exaggeration, how this is affecting your daughter and the family - her sleep, her general well-being and her self-confidence. Then ask the school what they might do to help and tell them anything that yo would like to try, as this is affecting her badly and you need their help to put things right. e.g. explore whether she can go to the other class; explore how she can link up with her friends at non-class times; explore whether she can sit with her old friends at lunchtimes regardless of rules, at least for a while to restore her confidence; invite a new child from her new class round to play; talk to other mums in the new class; if there is a school counsellor, perhaps she could have some sessions with her to get some feelings out in the open.
Good luck - I sympathise.

[ShanahansRevenge]

I am a worrier too hotcross! It's only through a huge bit of luck that my DD landed up in a very small school where there is no chance of getting lost in the way you describe...though I am already worried about secondary!

Thing is...we can worry and stress our lives away...we only have today...who knows what's round the corner? None of us...which is why life is just too short.

I am of the opinon that you need to go in there and insist they do somehting to help...orbegin looking for a smaller school.

Changing can be tough but in your DDs case, she may see it as a fresh start...and smaller school with a closer atmosphere could make all the difference...she is certainly young enough to make new friends in a better place.