Bullying - can I help someone else's child?

[GooseyLoosey]

Background: ds is 7 and has experienced quite a lot of bullying since he started school. There have been several incidents where all of the boys in his class have ganged up on him and he has been quite badly hurt. I have been involved with the school to seek a solution for some time. I won't say the problem has gone completely but ds is a very large, very articulate and confident child and increasingly has his own strategies for dealing with bullying behaviour. He currently seems happy.

The problem is that there is another child in ds's class who is niether articulate or confident. She is being mercilessly harrassed by the girls. Lots of "you are ugly", "you are stupid" type comments and it is relentless. Eventually this child snaps and hits someone. She is then in trouble and they tease her more. Apparently she cries all the time at home and often tries to run away from school.

Somehow, because of ds, I feel I cannot watch someone else's child be treated like this. However, I do not know what to do. In part I got results because I am a pushy middle class mummy. Her mother is not. Although she cares deeply about her child, she is not a confident person and I am not sure that she feels able to "lay the law down" with the school. However, I do not know her well.

If you were me, would you leave well alone or would you approach the mother and say that I too have had experience of bullying issues and would she like to know what worked for us? Or, is there another course?

[ValiumSingleton]

They sound like an unusually nasty bunch of 7 year olds. My dc is 7 and there has been very little bullying in her class. The school ought to be ashamed.

I would go back to the school with the legitimate complaint that there is still a culture of bullying in the class. I would be angry as a parent, because it shows that the teacher didn't speak to them, the head didn't speak to them, they obviously still think bullying is OK!

[ValiumSingleton]

Obviously it's not the 7year olds fault. i think it's proof that this wasn't properly dealt with. & year olds not really nasty. They need to be helped to understand.

[GooseyLoosey]

Yes, I too worry that it has become part of the accepted class culture.

En masse, they are indeed an exceptionally nasty group. Indivdually they are nice kids, but as far as I can see the group dynamic is terrible. I had thought it was just with the boys and the school have tried to address it, but it seems that it is the girls too.

So you think I should address the issues with this child?

[WowOoo]

I'd talk to the mum and suggest she 'role plays' what to say/do with the bullies.

Unfortunately, if teh bullies themselves have been brought up with a culture of bullying it will take a lot more than 1 teacher and 1 headteacher to stop this.

It's not their fault but I agree there is always more to be done.

IMO there's always one in every class and that includes adult classes too.

[Dracschick]

Im not just blowing my own trumpet here {parp parp].

As some of you will already know we have had lots of experience with bullying - I tend to find people approach me for help.....but if I were you Id definitely try and speak to the Mum.

The head at the primary my boys used to attend always said she knew it was serious if I turned up with another parent to speak to her.....as she knew it was a problem.

[GooseyLoosey]

Thanks - I rather suspect her mother has been the subject of similar bullying when she was younger so clearly has no idea how to make it stop. She has told her daughter to walk away from it and this has resulted in the child literally trying to climb out of school to escape.

I also know the parents of her main tormentors and cannot believe that they are aware of the extent of the abuse that this child is suffering and would certainly intervene if they did.

Do you think that the school could collectively involve the parents somehow in an anti-bullying initiative? I don't want to name and shame the children involved, but from my own experience I rather suspect that all of the parents are sitting in ivory towers thinking "my child would never do something like that".

[GooseyLoosey]

dracs - what kind of things did you get the school to do? Any suggestions gratefully received as the strategies which worked for my son may well not work for this child as there was a lot of talking involved.

[thisisyesterday]

jesus.... her child cries all the time, tries to run away, and tries to climb out of school? she is teased mercilessly bt these girls?

why on earth is she still in school???

disgusting. it actually makes me want to cry.

[WowOoo]

Agree with notired.

Whole school, whole class, letters to parents that need to be signed as read and the individuals with parents.

At least you know the parents. Had read OP but then got distracted sorry.

[GooseyLoosey]

Thanks. I think you are right - letters to parents would be great. How do I go about achieving this? Clearly I have some status as a parent of a bullied child but obviously the school are not going to engage with me on what has happened to another child.

thisisyesterday - I agree, my heart goes out to this child. From what I know her mother was also bullied and I suspect that she has no idea what can be done about this or how to go about doing it. I think that she is the kind of person who accepts what those in authority say without question.

[thisisyesterday]

def talk to the mum, she may really appreciate an "ally" in this, esp if you're really proactive

hope you can get some results

[DreamTeamGirl]

Goosey are you a governor or anything? Or do you know any of the Governors? Maybe they could help

It sounds awful for the poor girl, and I would definitely go and talk to her mum, and offer advice and support, but also could you mention it to the parents you know just in terms of

'Child X is having an awful time apparently. I heard some girls were teasing her so badly that x,y,z happened' It might trigger them to talk to their own kids about it and stop it from that direction too

I have to say it sounds like a terrible school- like something out of Judy Bloom ... and I would be so unhappy if my DS was there.

[GooseyLoosey]

No not a governor but do know some of them. Not sure how comfortable I would be in approaching them directly though. One of them has children who are in the class.

It does sound terrible in print doesn't it. It's not though - I think it is just unfortunate that in this particular class for whatever reason the group dynamic has not worked at all. dd is also at the school and has had a ball.

I have drafted a letter to the head - what do you think?

Dear head

As you may be aware, there has already been one incident this term with a number of boys harassing ds. This was very promptly and satisfactorily dealt with by the teachers. I am however aware that another child in the class is also experiencing bullying.

From my discussions with parents with children in other classes, this is not a typical experience within this or any other school. I am therefore concerned that for whatever reasons, this particular class has developed an ethos where this kind of behaviour has become acceptable amongst the children. I am also concerned that the (albeit understandable) attitude of almost all of the parents is that their children could not possibily be involved.

I wonder if something can be done to deal with the group dynamic in this class? Much has been done on ds's behalf and I genuinely appreciate it - he is a much happier child than he was. He is also developing his own strategies to deal with bullying behaviour. However, the behaviour still continues.

I have heard of situations in other schools where all of the class parents have been notified that there is systematic bullying going on and that many of the children have participated in it. Parents have been asked to discuss the issue with their children and both parents and children have been asked to enter into a behaviour contract which agrees that bullying is not acceptable and identifies what kind of behaviour can amount to bullying. Is this an avenue worth exploring?

Regards

GooseyLoosey

[pilates]

I had a similar situation. My daughter came home from school and suddenly after dinner burst into tears and told me how a girl in her class was being bullied badly by many children. I was very proud of her for telling me. After careful consideration, I decided to tell the mother because if it was the other way round I would want to know and to clear my own conscience. I felt dreadful because she started crying but what shocked me was that she had an idea it was going on but did nothing. She too I think had been bullied in the past and has zero confidence. I suggested she did a letter to the class teacher which she did but from all accounts its still going on. Not sure what else I can do but I'm glad I told her. Going back to the op, yes I would tell her and offer her the advice that helped your son.

[lingle]

"the school are not going to engage with me on what has happened to another child"

I have reported bullying of another child to the child's teacher. She was grateful that I could give her direct observations. Only after I had made it "official" by doing this did I inform the child's mother what I had done. She was angry at first, grateful afterwards.

I would go straight to the teacher or head first, then write to confirm what you have seen and heard with your own eyes and ears.

I think that once it's in writing, it's harder for them to do nothing.

I would talk to the other mum only after that. Everyone has a duty to keep this child safe - not even the parent should tell you not to fulfill that duty.

If nothing is done I would write again, setting out your direct observations.


good luck.

[LublieAva]

the letter sounds good, but are you assuming that the head does not already know and is not already doing something about it?

Or even that she wouldn't know what is going on in her school??! I am thinking how someone who is thin skinned might read it.

Its maybe best to work in something that allows for that possibility?

[GooseyLoosey]

Thanks for your responses.

I am absolutely sure that the head does know to some degree what is going on. However, whatever they have done to address the problem has so far been spectacularly unsuccessful. I hadn't intended to suggest that they had done nothing but that whatever they had done was inadequate.

I intend to talk to the other child's parents before sending anything to the school.

[renderedspeechless]

hi,

could you perhaps include your approach to this by asking the school which itiatives, workshops etc the children will be doing in lead up to anti-bullying week? falls on 15-19th nov this year.

am in similar situ and just a thought.

[KiwiKat]

Good on you, Goosey. It's heart-warming to hear that people out there are willing to go the extra mile to look out for other people - you never know when it could be me, or my child suffering, so I am thankful that there are people like you about.

[GooseyLoosey]

Ooh - anti-bullying week - hadn't realised that there was such I thing. I shall certainly factor that in.

Thanks KiwiKat.

[jaded]

Good for you for writing to the head and thinking about this poor girl. If more parents reported bullying, a lot of children would be saved early on and low level bullying would be nipped in the bud. Glad your son is happy at the moment and by refusing to tolerate bullying you are creating a safer and happier learning environment for all the children at the school.