Advice needed on a delicate situation...

[Daydreaming]

Earlier this week I posted about my 4 year old DDs problems with eating lunch at school - basically she has been crying and saying there is not enough time to eat her lunch. She also insisted that I should give her less in her lunch box (it really wasn't that much in the first place).

Anyway, the situation has escalated. Today she ate only a couple of rice cakes for lunch and nothing else. At home tonight she was crying and saying she doesn't want to go to school because she has no time to eat her lunch, etc. I probed her further and it finally came out that the TA from the other reception class told her off for not eating her lunch and then told her there was no more time to eat the rest of it. DD said that the TA was "mean" to her and she is scared of her.

I know children do twist things, but DD is very good natured and friendly and has been cared for by lots of different people since she was a baby and this is the first time she has had such a strong reaction to someone.

I need to talk to the school tomorrow morning about the whole lunch situation, but I am not sure I can say anything about the TA.

How do I handle this?

[DownyEmerald]

I'd just say that there was obviously a problem with lunch; DD not being very clear, could they tell you what had happened, and what their suggestions are for future days. They must have had a problem like this before?

Sorry, no experience of any of this to draw on. My dd has only just started lunches too!

[booyhoo]

sorry your DD is going through this. it is awful to know they are hurting/scared when you aren't there to comfort them.

nothing to add on top of what downy said.

[WilfShelf]

I would be very surprised if the school weren't as concerned about your DD not eating her lunch as you were: it's in their interests for her to be well-fed and happy. She may have got the wrong end of the stick about something and doesn't really know how to resolve it.

I would go in and say openly how upset she was and what do THEY think happened and could they try and find out. And ask what strategies they have to help such young children manage what is a pretty difficult and sometimes chaotic moment in the school day...

[lillybloom]

Sometimes the lunch sitting is too short for pupils, especially the new starts. I would just tell the HT what you have said. Tell them what she said about the TA. If your DD has picked her up wrongly then it can be sorted. If the TA did say that she'll think twice about it before doing it again. As long as you just state the facts as you know them it will be fine

[DunderMifflin]

downy's advice is good to get them to explain what they say happened.

It's difficult for littlies to focus on eating lunch in what can be a relatively short time and in the midst of a daunting, noisy situation.

You've just reminded me that after her first day at school, my dd described the dining hall as 'absolute badination, mummy'!!

go in there and speak to them!

[dearprudence]

Agree with WilfShelf.
I would go in and tell them how your DD feels and ask for their advice/help in dealing with it. They can't argue or deny how your child is feeling and they should be willing to help.

Sorry she's feeling bad - hope you resolve it soon.

[Daydreaming]

Thanks very much for your really helpful comments. I will just explain the situation in a really open manner and hopefully things may becore more clear.

booyhoo - that's exactly right - I have worked since DD was a baby and she has had nannies/nursery school, but this is the first time I have to deal with my little girl being in an upsetting situation.

Anyway, I told her tonight that she has nothing to worry about, that it's mummy's job to sort out problems for her, so I better be true to my word !!!

[DreamTeamGirl]

What are you putting in her lunch box?

Can you focus on giving her really really easy food too?

Whilst rice cakes are very worthy & all, they arent terribly energy dense. Maybe a wee sarnie- 1 slice- cut into halves and the crusts off so she can pop them in good and quick. Maybe some ready cut up fruit that sort of thing?

DS' school they ate in the classroom for first term of YR and I do think it was less overwhelming for them

[Daydreaming]

DTG - she actually had some cut up omlette today (which she loves and usually manages to eat in about 2 min) - it came back untouched - so I think there is something else going on.

[DreamTeamGirl]

Does sound that way then Daydreaming

My friend's DS was allowed to eat his lunch with the head when it all got too much for him (Tourettes), so maybe they can come up with somthing like that for her

[ShoshanaBlue]

Do they have a table for slow eaters? Most schools are going to have a very rapid turnover of tables in order to get that amount of pupils to eat in a set amount of time.

It doesn't seem to me like a major incident, but I do think it's worth having a word with the class teacher just to see how long they get to eat and what actually happens.

[jellycat]

Unfortunately they don't seem to get much time to eat their lunches at school.

I had problems with my ds2 eating his lunch when he started reception. He too had been hassled by a scary TA. I went in and spoke to his teacher and asked if he could sit with his friend (the one child in the group he knew well before starting school). Sometimes they were getting split up and were unable to sit together and this was making him stressed. I also said he was not to be pushed to eat (he isn't a good eater generally and tends to get worse if pushed). At home I asked him to chose what went in his lunch box (from a limited selection of things I was happy to let him have). After that things improved and he started eating most of it.

He is now in Yr1 and has more friends so is more relaxed, and he is just more used to the whole situation. He does have practically the same every day which is a bit boring but I can't get him to eat anything else!

I would go in and chat to the teacher, and ask for the lunchtime supervisors to be gentle with her, and try and involve her in the choice of food you give her. I expect things will improve as she gets more used to school.

[Acinonyx]

For most of reception dd was so slow eating lunch that she didn't finish in an hour But she was allowed to take as long as possible - and eventually she started to finish in time to have some play time.

Now in yr 1, she's still VERY slow even though she likes food and doesn't like to go hungry. I would definitely talk to the school - this surely can't be that unusual. Couldwell be that someone has made her over-anxious about the whole business.

[ragged]

It is common for reception age children to take the whole hour to eat and they STILL don't finish. The whole situation is just too distracting and they can't crack on with it.

Unfortunately, come late Yr1 the boys wolf down a minimum and run out back outside to play when the dinner ladies aren't looking, then they boys are nightmares come 3pm when they are ravenous and explosive with hunger (sigh).

[Pandsbear]

I would check how long they have to eat - when my twins started last year I didn't realise they they didn't just eat until they were finished and only had a certain amout of time before they were encouraged to go out to play.I said they really had to eat and not chat too much etc after a couple of days where they didn't eat much. Yes def. speak to the teacher and say what has happened. They also want to have happy and full children ready for the afternoon.

Both of mine still seem to leave most of their lunch and stuff it down then as they come out of school at 3pm!

[dixiechick1975]

Could she be worried about getting it 'wrong' and therefore not eating.

DD is 4 and has just started reception and they have a rule eat the sandwich first. I overheard one mum telling the teacher her DD hadn't eaten at all because she disliked her sandwich filling and daren't move on to the rest. DD also said she hadn't eaten her grapes because it was prayers time in a tone that implied eating during prayers was the worse crime in the world.

I tried to give DD some sausages, which she loves instead of a sandwich and she was horrified and wouldn't have them. If all the others have a sandwich maybe your DD feels selfconcious.

[vbusymum1]

I'd definitely go in and have a word if you're not happy. Your DD won't be the only slow eater in the school or even in the reception class so they will have ways of accomodating it.

My DCs are all very good eaters and very quick but I have never made them eat up everything just because its on their plate/in their lunchbox and so I was cross to find out that helpers from the top class were trying (with the best of intentions) to make them eat every last thing and in the "right" order. I explained my views to the teacher and it didn't happen again.

Eating is a minefield and I'm sure the school will be happy to discuss it with you, and if not maybe its a sign that its not the school you hoped it would be.