Worried about ds2's self-esteem, not sure what I can do to help him

[Greensleeves]

ds2 is 6 and in Y2

ds1 is just 8 and in Y3

they are 23 months apart in age but only 1 year apart in school, as ds1 is a September birthday and ds2 is an August

ds1 has Aspergers and is very gifted academically, passed Y6 SATS when in Y1, is "known" to all the teachers and most of the pupils for being clever

ds2 is a bright, deep, thoughtful little boy who feels very overshadowed by his brother

He can read and write well and is good at Maths, he is in the top groups in his class etc, but his confidence is so low it is holding him back and affecting how he feels about himself

when he reads with me he will often say "I can't read", and he visibly tenses up if he sees a word he can't read instantly, I have to say "calm down, don't panic, we will break it down" and then he always manages to decode it fairly easily

but even with menus, signs, instructions for things, his default is "I can't read"

his teacher has recently put the top 2 from his reading group on harder books, and they got to read out loud at the harvest festival, and ds2 is number 3 so again is feeling inadequate and his attitude has deteriorated again - he can read and write at least as well as the other two, but they are the kind of children who have their hands in the air all the time whereas ds2 is reticent and lacks confidence (although he is very bubbly and cheeky when NOT doing academic stuff)

I feel really bad for him and don't know what I can do to help him

[Greensleeves]

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[coppertop]

Does ds2 have any particular interests or hobbies that could be his own 'thing' IYSWIM?Preferably something where he doesn't feel as though he is being compared to others. Could he start an extra-curricular activity where he's known only as rather than

[Anenome]

I think you should ask the advice of parents of gifted children on this....maybe visitthe gifted and talented thread here...those with one gifted child and one or more average children will have experience of this....hope they can offer something useful.

[Greensleeves]

well ds1 isn't only well-known because he is gifted - he is also well-known because he has Aspergers, has some very quirky habits, often speaks in assembly (he will put his hand up to answer a question and then ramble on until told to shut up) etc

it's very hard for ds2 as he is also bearing the brunt of ds1's full-onness at home - he is is only sibling

I feel a bit like we are failing ds2 really - I adore him and think he is just as amazing as his brother

I don't even think he is "less intelligent", not that it would matter if he were. He is very deep and thoughtful and can be very sharp, often about things where ds1 is downright dense

I don't want to post in G&T, partly because I think it is a load of crap, and partly because I wanted to post about ds2, not ds1

[Greensleeves]

coppertop, he does do Judo once a week for exactly that reason, and it has done a lot for his confidence - he does really well at it and it is something that is only his - and he knows we are very proud of him and we always go to gradings etc

also we all do Woodcraft Folk (dh and I lead groups) and ds2 is much more competent with that than ds1 is - can use a whittling knife carefully, recognises tree types etc - and he gets lots of praise and admiration for that

it's so sweet but also a bit painful - eg he showed me how he was getting on with the spoon he was whittling and I said it was fantastic and I had seen much older children not manage to shape it so well

and he plagued me for the rest of the day asking "does it look like a 9yo did it?" and "Am I the best 6yo whittler you have ever seen", "Did you expect me to be this good?"

he desperately needs approval, but I feel as though I am GIVING it to him, constantly, and it isn't helping

[Greensleeves]

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[Greensleeves]

I think that's true trefusis, we do end up pigeonholing them because we are trying to carve out a space for them where they won't get trampled all over by the sibling

it's awful, because if ds2 were an only child he would probably have very healthy self-esteem - he is good-looking, bright, funny, adorable, affectionate, competent

but ds1's intelligence is not in the normal range, it is part of his AS and people can't help but turn their heads at him

which isn't very good for him either tbh, I have had to have words before with teachers getting all starry-eyed and entering him for exams he doesn't need to be taking, at the expense of training him in the things he is poorer at

[Greensleeves]

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[Greensleeves]

anyone else have experience to share, or ideas? It's deeply appreciated!

[Greensleeves]

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[Greensleeves]

anyone around?

[Greensleeves]

final bump - doesn't anyone else have this problem with two children close in age?

It isn't a "look how clever my ds1 is" by stealth, honestly. I am worried about ds2 and want to help him feel more confident.

[roses12]

hi actually i have this problem but its because there is a large gap between ds1 and dd2. When I was reading your posts I began to recognise similarities between your dc2 and my dc2. My dd felt inferior to ds, because being 5 years older he just seemed to know so much more than her (in her opinion) and it just appeared to her too far to reach. She has grown in confidence now since my ds went off to secondary school and her younger sister has come to school. She is now the boss and likes that. She struggled with her confidence in reading and often shouts and gets easily frustrated. I think this is just her personality and probably she would be like this without ds? not sure. (did get her hearing tested too). However, I try and built her confidence up, trying different learning strategies for homework. With spelling she works best writing spellings out and then testing herself by pacing out the words. My youngest learns best by visual aides. First born just seemed to do it all so easily. Not sure this helps but all you can do is your best. Funny aside...I thought I should spend some quality time with just her and she said why? Couldn't see a need at all. maybe we worry excessively but heh how can we not. They are all our pride and joy. dont know if any of this helps?