Am at wits' end. Another heartsink moment at the end of the week. 4 weeks into y1 and he has been in to see the head again.
3 weeks ago (after 1 week of the year) he was hitting other children. So we spoke with the teachers and they suggested a behaviour chart, with smiley faces for each of 7 periods in the day, if he got 5 a day all week, he would get a reward. He HAS managed 5 most days (and 6 or 7 on some!) but the incidents where he has lost it have been serious, including today, kicking another boy in the groin, and two other incidents (one hitting, one punching)...
We have been doing everything we can to support the teachers and get on top of it. The behaviour chart comes home each day and we add a smiley face for the morning and evening if he's been behaving at home. Last week he was on course to get a reward but blew it at 3pm with a stupid incident which was not hitting related but did necessitate a trip to the head...
Today, he only got 4 smileys because of the incidents, yet got 7 yesterday, and got 5 or 6 out of 7 on previous days this week (the target he was set). I rang the teacher because I felt frustrated and worried that he isn't feeling himself making ANY progress in the last 2 weeks, even though he's been trying really hard. I feel they need to lower the bar a bit perhaps? I don't know... Maybe that would be sending the wrong message.
Today my DS told me that 2 out of the 3 incidents were under provocation - although I don't always believe what he tells me because he does sometime make stuff up, as 6yos do - but he seemed pretty sincere and serious about it. His version was that in the two kicking incidents, he was kicked first. He told the teacher this the first time, but says he wasn't listened to. If this was true, perhaps it isn't a surprise he didn't bother saying it the second time. Not that it makes it OK for him to kick as retaliation, my point is if it was true that he was provoked, perhaps the first time the teacher might have not given him a sad face on his chart, and perhaps the other incidents might not have happened. Unfortunately the first kicking incident was serious (in the groin of the other child), and he had to go to the head.
When I spoke to the teacher she hadn't seen it, but did say the reports of the two boys matched, so she had assumed my son was the main 'kicker'. I specifically asked if she or another member of staff had seen the incidents. The boys in the class are all pretty aggressive to each other, and though my son is the one using his fists/feet, the others are teasing him, calling him stupid and not letting him play. This is what he reports, although in reception, the teacher though he was quite happy.
We've been working hard at home too: he has an older and a younger brother and it is fair to say relations between the three of them are fairly stormy! Our rules are no hitting or hurting, and there is a consequence if they do it. We also try to encourage them NOT to retaliate, but to tell an adult. I have heard other parents say to their kids 'if someone hits you, hit them back'. I'm not quite sure how I'm able to stop my kid hitting in school with all the mixed messages he's getting. We are working also with our other two boys, especially the older one, who can be aggressive, competitive and frequently needs to 'win' even over his 5 year younger brother. And the youngest is 3 so pretty wild all on his own, so it is almost impossible to apply the same standards across the board, which my 6yo doesn't understand. But we've organised things - banned all computer screens except for homework between Monday-Friday, no TV in the mornings, clear rules about behaviour and respect for self and others, routines for getting ready etc. And beyond the basic expectations,, I'd like to think we give them freedom and choice and independence, but to be honest, I have no idea what it is that we're doing that is worsening the situation; and no idea beyond what we do already how I can influence what goes on at school.
We had a second phone call from the teacher later this afternoon after I rang her. She thinks it best we go in for a review with the teachers and head, and she has discussed it with the SENCO [argh! I am not sure what special educational needs he could have: does an uncontrollable temper fit some pattern?]
Can anyone help, especially primary teachers or parents with similar experiences? Or psychologists? Shrinks? Magicians? Prison governors? 
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Please help with my hitting/kicking 6yo: at wits end (LONG)
WilfShelf · 01/10/2010 19:54
I know it's a platitude but most children and situations settle down. It sounds like there is some improvement but it is slow?
My eldest DS acts aggressively when he is overwhelmed (when he is anything out of the ordinary actually 
). I have some success with working on empathy with him, you know the sort of thing, naming his feelings etc. I feel like a quack psychiatrist when I'm doing it but it does seem to help him.
You sound like a great mum and he obviously has a loving secure home so you should be proud of giving him that.
Aww, thanks for all your nice comments. We are trying hard and so are the teachers who are lovely.
Yes, we have realised there's a bit of a self-esteem issue going on, and just last week we took him to Beavers which he was thrilled about. I think it will help and he really wants to go on the first camp. Yes maybe a martial art would help too, at least to teach him appropriate use of controlled violence! Great idea...
I've also been trying to do more stuff with each boy on their own, as has their dad, but we both work full time so it is hard. I've bought a book on anger management (!) for kids, and I've 'planted a magical proud seed' in his chest. Then he and I put our hands on heart when he's done something great and try to feel proud so the seed grows into a golden plum, then apple, then, um football . He is very imaginative and LOVES this idea. But still, the kicking continues.
It's true - you have reminded me - he has made progress, but it's just so disappointing that it isn't reflected in school where the violence is mostly happening...
More likely they would be considering sensory intergration issues with regards to the loud noises etc. Could theoretically explain struggling with transitions and playtimes when there is more noise and movement to process. It is a separate issue to ASD (your son does NOT sound ASD at all) but can look a bit similar and is often co-morbid with ASD.
There is not a great deal that can be done about sensory processing issues other than manage the overload they cause. Where the difficulty is mild it can help just to cue the child in to what is going to happen in any given situation so they are more prepared for it and can manage their response to it better. If it is causing a bigger problem for a child it might be necessary for them to have ear defenders at noisy times or have a quiet space to go to at more disorderly times.
I am not suggesting your son had these difficulties. Just suggesting what the school might be investigating based on my experience. Good luck- sounds like you're doing a great job to me. 
www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/index.html
integration 
Write these things on reports daily and still can't spell them!!
Thank you EBDTeacher for those really helpful posts - I will look at that website and bear it in mind when we have our meeting with the school next week. Very interesting about the 'blowing' rewards bit, and the pressure of noisy times - that is now beginning to 'kerching' a bit with others bits of his experience.
Oh, my poor little boy is having another disturbed night again. He has been up and down, unhappy, almost sleepwalking pretty much every night for a week. Or longer. At least since the first time he had to see the head...
Tonight I feel like we have failed him in some way. And now I am very worried about labelling and scapegoating, because even if he stops hitting, the other kids, and the teachers, will have a 'view' of him, won't they?
Thanks, deuchars and brassband, for your thoughtful posts.
I don't think I could HE, although would never rule it out if things got really bad. I'm hoping this will blow over. I have two other boys and can't give up my job and don't want to either.
Perhaps they have over-reacted. I am certainly worried about the scapegoating. It is quite possible both the other kids AND the teachers, all unwittingly, are scapegoating him. It happens all the time in close groups, and I won't let it continue if there is a hint of it not being managed. I talked to DH about this last night and this is going to be the main thing we want to address in our meeting next week. I really DON'T think there are SEN issues, although if that is on their agenda I will of course listen to what they have to say. I looked at the sensory integration site someone linked to and only one of the diagnostic factors really rings true - the noise aversion. But I know LOADS of kids who don't like loud noises! Maybe there's something else I'm not seeing but they will have to convince me if this is their concern...
I have seen this group of boys in a number of different classes (eg in nursery, in reception etc), out of school (at summer fairs, parties, at each others' houses) and it really is NOT just my boy doing the hitting, kicking etc. He is tall, and smart, and we're pushy parents : perhaps he stands out more? Would that be insulting to the teachers to think that. I'm sure they're professional but I'm really worried about first the labelling, and next, the impact of the negative monitoring of his behaviour.
If anyone has any suggestions about how to approach the review meeting, I'd be grateful?
I need to be clear though: I'm NOT suggesting my kid is an angel beyond reproach, and I do believe in disciplining children who hurt others, but the issue is the entire focus (to us) seems to be on HIM and not the dynamic in the class.
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