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11 year old son has no motivation and no desire to "better" himself

(37 Posts)
esoh Sat 24-Aug-13 17:14:17

My 11 year old son has no self motivation whatsoever. I feel he is what I would call the "x factor" generation in that life owes him a living and why should he try and do things either for himself or others. He has NO interest in doing anything as a family and makes life very unpleasant for all of us. He refuses to do any school work at all and literally "shuts his ears and eyes to it". Will someone please tell me that one day he will realise that he has to put some effort into life to gain results. !

IWipeArses Sat 24-Aug-13 17:16:25

You could start by banning x factor?

LynetteScavo Sat 24-Aug-13 17:19:07

Um...he is 11.

I think not doing school work and not doing things as a family are two different things.

Are you basically saying you think he's lazy? What does he do?

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 24-Aug-13 17:20:02

Is he smoking weed?

noddyholder Sat 24-Aug-13 17:27:48

He is 11 my son didn't get any until about 17/18 and still flags at times

IWipeArses Sat 24-Aug-13 18:00:55

What results is he going to get if he starts doing what you want? Where is the motivation for an 11 year old to do anything they don't want to?

heidihole Sat 24-Aug-13 18:05:01

He makes your life unpleasant? Are there consequences to his actions? Docking of pocket money/priviledges?

Does he understand that to have money you need to work for it (be it at school, or chores at home?)

Does he understand that if he wants to live in a warm cosy family home that that is a privilege not a right? I would remove his TV/X Box/Laptop etc until he gained some respect.

MairzyDoats Sat 24-Aug-13 18:07:31

Agree with above posters - all the lovely things he sees as his right should be removed until he has earned them. What sort of outings are you going on that he doesn't enjoy? What would he prefer to be doing?

Isabeller Sat 24-Aug-13 18:09:39

Don't worry. A dear friend's lovely son was only really interested in sharpening other people's pencil's and being sweet at that age but is a wonderful responsible young man now with a great job and about to get married.

noddyholder Sat 24-Aug-13 18:12:01

Living in a warm cosy family home isn't a right aged 11? hmm

FranSanDisco Sat 24-Aug-13 18:17:26

DS is almost 11 yo and needs a constant firm foot in the small of his back to do anything these days. He used to be Mr Sociability - lots of friends, clubs and hobbies. Now he has a small group of friends I asked him if he has lost confidence due to someone saying something to him e.g you are rubbish at so and so? He said very seriously 'mum, I am changing' smile. I am hoping secondary school may awaken something but we still have another year.

AndyMurraysBalls Sat 24-Aug-13 18:19:09

OP - IMHO you are describing most 11 year old boys.

Mine was like it too.

In my DS's case it was school. He was utterly bored with it at that point and needed to go to secondary where he could be treated like a proper bloke instead of a baby.

I cannot tell you the difference that made.

He's now 17, works every hour he's offered in the holidays, going back to 6th Form well up for it and has decided he wants to plan for University without any help or guidance from us because he wants to make his own decisions and find his own way.

He helps me mend things and lug stuff around without me having to ask.

He's not perfect - you should see the state of his bedroom and he leaves towels all over the place and has to be reminded about the washing up rota.

Don't panic OP. Just give him space, love, a good example and a few years to grow into himself.

ffsx2 Sat 24-Aug-13 18:31:46

I have a very ambitious self-motivated 11yo DD, and I think she is Very Weird. Convenient for me, but still weird. I'd be more relaxed if she were like OP's DS.

yellowballoons Sat 24-Aug-13 18:39:14

Is there any back history at all?

AmberLeaf Sat 24-Aug-13 18:58:26

Is the 11 in the title a typo?

FranSanDisco Sat 24-Aug-13 19:00:00

AndyMurraysBalls - you bring me hope grin.

heidihole Sat 24-Aug-13 19:00:11

Noddyholder no, sadly it isn't a right. Plenty PLENTY of 11 year olds across the world and the UK do NOT
It is a bloody privilege and a fortune of birth to be living in a warm loving family home. He should remember that and be reminded to be grateful.

AmberLeaf Sat 24-Aug-13 19:03:00

How does an 11 year old 'better himself'?

usualsuspect Sat 24-Aug-13 19:07:16

Of course he has a right to live in a warm loving family home,he's 11

What are you on about?

noddyholder Sat 24-Aug-13 19:08:48

Agree amber some of the attitudes here are ridiculous. He is 11 he can't better himself he is good enough already in his own mind and he doesn't need to be told otherwise just yet.

AmberLeaf Sat 24-Aug-13 19:09:02

Seriously heidihole?

I would say tat every child has the right to a warm loving family home, I know not all get one, but they certainly should!

noddyholder Sat 24-Aug-13 19:12:57

21 posts in and I am considering hiding the thread A record! grin. Seriously do not expect an 11 yr old to have motivation or a desire to better themselves or the years between 13 and 19 are going to be a shock to you

bunchoffives Sat 24-Aug-13 19:14:43

I think Heidi means he shouldn't be able to take everything for granted.

But at 11 he's still very much a child. Why not try introducing a couple of negatives (eg no x box at wknd until room cleaned) and a couple of positives eg pocket money=chores or chores=treat like swimming or something. See if you can build the connection in his mind between effort and reward.

FranSanDisco Sat 24-Aug-13 19:16:29

OP, when you say he refuses to do any school work do you mean school work at home? What does he do that makes life unplesant? My ds is lovely at home most of the time but quite unmotivated to do much as I said earlier.

TheCrackFox Sat 24-Aug-13 19:19:14

Good grief, he is 11yrs old, give him a break.

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