Reasonable consequence help

[Imonlydoingwhatican]

My just turned 12yr old has caused damaged to her bed covers intentionally and im struggling to find a reasonable punishment.

Her bedroom is in constant mess despite daily "nagging" to tidy it. Im not unreasonable i expect some mess i just want 90% of it to be put away. Its now at a level where its all her clothes on the floor (about 5 inchs deep) no floor to be seen, rubbish everywhere, and food has been hidden. Her bed covers pilled high rather than made. It doesnt sound bad but i have photos that show its full extent but dont want to publish them as i dont want her privacy exposed. So this is one issue where she wont do as shes told.

But she has slashed her bed sheets with scissors. This has tipped me over the egde. Ive told her we have to talk when shes home, but she has no idea why. So obvisouly doesnt remeber doing it or thinks its a big deal. My period (pre menopause)self is raging (3month late period started today) and whats to rip everything out.of her room and just leave her with the basics. But im trying think more logically. She will be losing her phone, and she is already grounded from not tidying her room (most things we have done in the past dont work).

Help before i start ww3...

[flashylamp]

But she has slashed her bed sheets with scissors.

I know this is your main issue but if you take it away for a minute - how did things get so bad that her room was never tidied? I know they are messy and an amount of washing etc over the floor is usual but what you describe is quite different. It might help to work out why she has got to this stage, which has then ended up with the cover ruining; so you can move forward together and help. She is only just 12 so I would say it's unlikely this is just 'bad' behaviour and almost certainly has a root cause. That would be a priority for me, not a punishment

[Imonlydoingwhatican]

How can i explain.... she hates tidying, most teens do i know, but she literally will just put something down anywhere in the house and it becomes invisible. She doesnt see the.mess as a problem. I ask her to do her room, and its."later" im showering first etc.. so it doesnt happen everyday. When it does happen ( rarely) it takes all day. And within a few hours its back to how.it was.before. she doesnt care. I wish i could shut the door and ignore but she shares the room with younger sister ( they have.divider wardrobes.so feels like their own space. Hence why she was.grounded already because she hasnt done her.room.

[flashylamp]

Is she struggling to manage it? Often a refusal comes from a place of just being overwhelmed.

[Imonlydoingwhatican]

Oh and last night she opened up an unused pregnancy test that i had stored away, and pulled it apart then lied about it. I can forgive the inquiring mind but lieing about it. There are loads.more things

[flashylamp]

Loads more things indicate there is indeed a much deeper issue.

[Imonlydoingwhatican]

No, she would rather be sat on her phone, or doing her hair.

[flashylamp]

Work with her, not against her. She is obviously struggling and she is so young - I would have any to get on top of things before she went full blown teen otherwise things will escalate.

Can you strip your relationship back to basics? spend some time with her, out for lunch or something and have a chat, not an argument. Tell her you know it's hard and for the room at the very least this time I would tell her you will work on it together. After that you just keep on top of making sure it doesn't get so bad

[Imonlydoingwhatican]

We have a good relationship, were honedt with each other and she always wants hugs we spend a lot of time together being silly. She isnt unhappy, shes got no girl drama, she has everything she needs. Stable home. We dont have loads of money but work hard for the basics and a few treats every so often so shes more fortunate then others. She attends aspire at school (brother is special needs)She has no reason to be this way. Its so fustrating .

[idontlikealdi]

Maybe her brothers needs are affecting her more than you realise?

[flashylamp]

@Imonlydoingwhatican

We have a good relationship, were honedt with each other and she always wants hugs we spend a lot of time together being silly. She isnt unhappy, shes got no girl drama, she has everything she needs. Stable home. We dont have loads of money but work hard for the basics and a few treats every so often so shes more fortunate then others. She attends aspire at school (brother is special needs)She has no reason to be this way. Its so fustrating .

It wasn't a criticism. You seem quite determined to blame her rather than help her though.

[Timeforabiscuit]

We are having a similar issue with dd11 - last weekend a whole bottle of green nail varnish over a cream bedroom carpet (when she KNOWS it's no nail varnish upstairs). Ultimately accidents and stupidity happen, the bedsheet could be repaired (by her), or replacememt bought out of her money and quietly binned.

What has worked is me closing her bedroom door, she can have a messy room - but nothing except water is allowed upstairs (house rule). The kids are in charge of folding and putting away clothes, and if clean clothes aren't put away (and end up back in the wash basket clean) then they get to sort the dirty washing into pile and pair socks (which they hate).

I want them to have their own rooms and space, not my idea of how they should arrange things, and as long as its not a health hazard I've had to let it go.

With unlocking, dd has asked for a sleepover but knows it won't happen until her room is tidy, so we'll pop music on and clean it through together. She's still learning, and me nagging hasn't worked in 11 years, proactively sorting out a problem in a calm way has improved how we all feel about it.