Please help me with a routine for my kids - feel so frustrated at myself

[AreTurnipsReal]

Hello.

I basically dont know how to parent. I have a 10 year old and a 12 year old.

How do I make them do things? My DD is 12 and has free rein onhl her phone. My son is obsessed with Fortnite.

How do I make them study (no homework it seems) and practice piano (DS)?

I feel really scared like I am letting them down.

I ask them to help me with dinner and sometimes they do.

Routines dont work and just slip - I am a single parent. I feel so stressed out.

I am getting a parenting course to help.

How much should I be making them do.

Do you have example routines.

[AreTurnipsReal]

Just boosting

[Love51]

When does the parenting course start?
For now, focus on the positives. Genuine praise for behaviours you like.
If you are going to make rules, make them simple and positively phrased. Eg you can have fortnight time after you have done 15 minutes music practice. But if the course is soon, maybe wait before starting anything new.

[AreTurnipsReal]

A couple of weeks I believe - its a waiting list so I am not sure exactly when. I am a bit nervous with the course - I know it will give me tips and advice but it will all be down to me. I dont think I was ever parented as a kid so I dont know what is healthy.

I find it all really hard and tiring and shouty. I am trying. But I wondered if examples of routines and rules people woukd have with help.

Thanks @Love51 . I guess I should take it slow - I just start catastrophising whenever anything goes wrong. Also having CBT for that. So much self-care work.

[coodawoodashooda]

Watching with interest. 9 believe changing the WiFi code helps.

[SuperSleepyBaby]

Its hard - i thought parenting would be easy until i had kids!

Have you tried making them wait gor their screens until a set them - and they need to get homework etc dine first. Make a lust if easy jobs they need to do.

[OneEpisode]

You probably aren’t a terrible parent. Hopefully the course will make you feel better. My dd would make cake, puddings and biscuits at that age. I wouldn’t make them for her, so if she wanted dessert she had to make it!
(Don’t have nice yoghurts in the fridge or ice cream in the freezer)

[Mary8076]

Put a parental control app on their phones and devices. You can limit the screen time to something like 1 hour a day only during specific hours of the day, then use it also as a reward/consequences tool. That's much healthier for them and they will change quickly.

[Marmaladeagain]

Focus on the positives is extremely good advice. Positive reinforcement will get results, rather than negative. Firm boundaries though.

However, a lot of negative behaviour can be a circle of negative expectations ie. the kids feeding back what's expected as their parents' frustration can affect their self-esteem. Big up yourself and also them. Focus on what you're doing right and what they're doing right and do more of it.

You don't sound like a rubbish parent at all. Let people be themselves and have space when needed, but being positive is what you can do in the meantime. Don't be hard on yourself.

[Oblomov21]

I have always been very strict about them helping. They have always had jobs. Emptying the dishwasher, pairing socks, carrying their clean clothes up to their room.
Sit down, have a nice 'family meeting'. Agree some jobs. Easy.

[DarcyLewis]

My 10 year old doesn’t get screen time until all jobs are done.
In the morning he has to be up, dressed, breakfasted, bag packed, room tidy, bed made etc then if there’s time before school he can play games.
Same after school - home work and music practice have to be done first.

He has a phone but doesn’t have free rein - eg it’s not allowed in his bedroom overnight, he’s not allowed to watch YouTube on it (YouTube only on tv downstairs so I know what they’re watching) and I check messages regularly.

Bad behaviour means screen/phone bans.

Pocket money is reliant on doing chores. He can also earn extra money with extra chores.
The basics are tidy room, feed cat, put his laundry away, clear table and load dishwasher. Extras are things like cooking dinner or washing the car.

[coodawoodashooda]

I'd have a family meeting.