Freedom/independence

(7 Posts)
icelollycraving Thu 22-Apr-21 07:32:31

Ds is 9, 10 in a few months. He is now allowed to meet friends at the park, walk to and from school. He has a phone and iPad. I view his browsing history every day or so and check messages.
Dh thinks it’s fine to leave him in the house to collect me from the station, I do not. At all.
Dh thinks we need to get him ready for being independent in year 7. My concern is that if we had an accident, he’d be in the house alone. It seems very young to be left. Dh sees no big difference between him being at the park to safely at home for 15 mins.
I know I can be over protective but I’m feeling really upset. I feel I'm losing my little boy which I know sounds over dramatic. When discussing it with my sister (she has adult daughters) she said hmm, all kids kind of don’t want to know you during their teens but then girls come back to you...not sure if boys do. He seems so sassy and too grown up for 9. He’s not a teenager yet ffs.

OP’s posts: |
icelollycraving Thu 22-Apr-21 07:32:56

Sorry, that is not very coherent.

OP’s posts: |
Seeline Thu 22-Apr-21 10:45:45

I was leaving mine at home while I dropped the other to Cubs, dance etc before I let them go to the park on their own or walk to/from school. Just 10-15 mins trips. They only had the house phone. I suppose I started doing it at the age of about 9.

AnneofScreamFables Thu 22-Apr-21 11:22:26

I don't think it is helpful to generalise between boys and girls because even if it is 'generally' true it doesn't tell you much about your son.

Cultivate a good relationship and that is the best you can do to keep that long term.

In relation to your question - again, you know what is right for your son. I do agree with your husband that working towards independence is good. What does your son think? Does he want to be left at home?

I am not sure I understand your risk analysis. You seem to be worrying about an accident (car accident?) that would leave him alone for a long period of time. That seems unlikely, but if it happened then working through the scenarios:
a) The accident does not involve you, but holds you up - you phone your son and explain you will be late.
b)The accident involves one of you - same thing happens - worst case he can walk to you?
c)Both of you are injured - in which case isn't it better he is safe at home? Talk through with him what he should do in such an emergency - he should have other emergency numbers stored in his phone.

I personally would rate the risk your son faces in the park on on a walk home from school as higher than the risk of being in the home alone. And I personally would let a nearly 10 year old do both. (I have one older and one younger).

Thereisroomontheraft Wed 19-May-21 18:59:36

Maybe unpopular view but 9 is very young to have a phone in my opinion but I get you might want to keep in contact if they are walking on their own.
My 9 year old plays in the park in front of our house but I can see him all the time. BTW I'm not at all of the view that helicopter parenting is good and I get totally kids must learn to navigate roads and its so important to foster independence but I honestly think 9 is too young to be walking on their own etc and I come from an era where this was normal but tbh I had loads of dodgy incidents so that's informed my decision , my dh agrees and he was flying in his own at 8. Think there's this obsession on mn a little and in the UK (I used to live there) to get kids to be more independent and throw them into adult world too quickly. There's nothing wrong with waiting until the are that bit older, plenty of my friends did this and now have extremely independent and responsible teens who work and travel on their own. 9/ 10 is still very young in my view .

CatsArePeople Sun 23-May-21 15:42:08

you realize its just you, not that an actual risk of something bad happening.
If he has a phone - he knows how to use it in case of an emergency.

Sydendad Tue 22-Jun-21 23:50:31

I find it way to young. He only has to be independent at the age of 13 and they don't need to be prepared for 4 years. Independence comes naturally I have noticed, he will want some forms of it at some point. You are talking about 15 min Alone at home though which by no means constitutes independence. I do think and it has been proven through research that the anxiety levels raise higher when left alone in younger children showing us that we underestimate their fears and that when interviewed the children weren't aware of their own anxiety levels suggesting that they aren't really ready to cope. That said I don't think it harms them too much either at that age if it is just on occasion.
Also I don't think independence is fostered by leaving your kids alone but Is in stead taught giving them more responsibilities with less shielding from consequences.

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