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Healthy relationships - 11 y/o boy(4 Posts)
TLDR version; DS (11) being upset by girl(friend), looking for books to help him understand healthy relationships?
My DS is in Y6 and throughout this year has had a 'girlfriend' (such as this is, they are each other in school as in same class, but that's it). It's been rather stressful however...
DS has a phone, which we check if he's been getting upset (he knows this) and it's clear that Jane (not real name) is quite, um, demanding and (and I know she's only 11 so I hate to say it, but) manipulative.
As an example, before Christmas when school still open for all, Jane was pressurising him to kiss her, he didn't want to and it was really upsetting him. He took to waiting to walk home with me and younger DD to avoid her after school. Xmas hols/lockdown 3 put end to this, they broke up over lockdown and all happier in his world. I thought/hoped he'd moved on.
Cue end of lockdown and it's all 'back on'. Except now Jane is accusing him of being "too close" to other girls in his class, not asking her to the Y6 'prom' (don't get me started on that...) properly, sending random GIFs about 'what girls say and what they mean', etc causing him get upset and confused. He's even recently taken to walking home a longer way to avoid these other girls and appease her attacks.
He's never been a good talker, and despite the fact that we make him know he can tell us anything without judgement, he keeps everything bottled up. When, last autumn he finally revealed the fact that Jane was his girlfriend to me, I had to promise not to tell DH.
This evening he was a state. He refused to tell me but it was clear it was Jane related. I told him he had to tell me or the phone was confiscated indefinitely. He finally wrote me a note explaining Jane had broken up with him. He was upset so told a couple of his close (male) friends. Jane found out (don't know how) and had a massive rant at him saying he had messed up.
I'm hoping it's all over now, BUT I really want him to understand it's not ok to be treated like that by anyone.
He's really bad at talking but loves reading, so wondered if anyone could recommend books for boys on this area? Everything seems to be aimed at girls.
Hmm. I only have girls and strongly advise against relationships at this age etc and my dd has turned boys her age down.
Id just explain its all fun and games at this age you wanna be happy not sad. Play football and have fun with friends and leave the girls til he is older.
Thanks. Yeah, I've tried that till I'm blue in the face! It didn't seem to sink in... Thankfully this latest episode seems to have made him realise this too and he's in a better place and being more sociable with friends. Which is great, I just want him to know it's not ok to be treated this way and to know he should stand up for himself! Wish he'd listen to me, but he's a stubborn little thing!
Honestly, ditch the phone. Kids this age can't deal with it. It's one thing having to deal with this girl at school, but another thing when it's whenever he is at home as well.
I haven't come across any books but I have had plenty of conversations with my ds13 about girls and relationships. A conversation is far better to keep him opening up to you. Just discuss whatever the issue is there and then. Be honest with him. Jane isn't a nice person and he needs to steer well clear of her. Explain why you think this and point out how she is making him feel. You can give him the tools to handle this himself, let her down gently and move on.