11yr old daughter - x rated or paranoid

(17 Posts)
Flutterby21 Mon 12-Apr-21 14:06:18

I'll speak honestly as it's the only way to get a full picture of the situation in which I find myself.
No judgements please.
Lockdown last April I came across a video my at the time 10yr old daughter had made in which she erratically took her clothes off and showed off her body. She had basically in the eyes of the law - who were later involved, produced her own child porn.
I panicked, rightly, and called her school to speak to safeguarding, who referred to social services, I rang the police and and drs. I was praised for having done the right thing and covered all bases. All levels were covered, legal, medical and safety. We also spoke to her about curiosity being fine but filming is a big no. Thankfully it wasn't shared anywhere and no one had provoked her to do this. But I remain puzzled as to why or where the thought came from. (Transpired that YouTube and gatcha life had alot to answer for in placing the curiosity there). Safe to say since she has had a YouTube ban!
A year on, almost to the day, I find she has used my laptop to access gatcha life - again. I then took her phone. Looked through her history and she has been searching "naked girl, prawn" (she claimed she meant drawn and has apparently never heard the word prawn before aside from the food and doesn't know why I questioned her on a miss spelling - I thought she meant porn!).
Now, I have no issues with the fact she may or may not be attracted to girls, I would have reacted the same had she searched for a boy. I am also greatful that her phone blocked any access to any images.
I'm just left confused, is this normal? I can only go based on my own life and I was never curious enough to search things like this especially at 11!
Am I massively over reacting?
Also, her mood swings are unreal and expects my 5yr old niece to understand when she snaps to just instantly leave her alone but could be fine again in anything from as little as 30 seconds to a few hours. She treats everyone as if we are the same, the same lack of respect or age, on her level.
No amount of talking to her seems to be helping.

Sorry its long, thank you for sticking it out, any support is really appreciated, even if it's as little as where else I go for help.

🦋

OP’s posts: |
Flutterby21 Mon 12-Apr-21 14:07:46

*erotically not erratically 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP’s posts: |
Christmasfairy2020 Mon 12-Apr-21 19:37:50

Hmmm I made.my 11 year old watch a programme other day made by zara from love Island about revenge porn. It basically explained video etc for me..buy her a book on puberty. Talk to her about sex. Or ask your mum to do it if you can't (this is what I did). At one stage my dd did write into Google. Girl and short skirts. It transpired she was looking for some short skirts and wanted to find one for me to buy her. I told her about child porn and that then. But not since. She may be questioning her sexuality?

Christmasfairy2020 Mon 12-Apr-21 19:38:39

Only think my dd age 11 does is watch any type of tiktok video of malfoy. It appears she fancies boys with light blonde hair - she strongly denies this grin

Yellowfish2020 Fri 30-Apr-21 16:33:24

Commend you on how you dealt with the initial issue. No advice to offer as I'm finding my own way with an 11 year old girl and no idea with most things! But didn't want to pass it by. We found ours had googled 'why is the number 69 funny' the other day. My partner was more worried than I was. I think it's natural to be curious at that age, they are hearing and seeing things they don't know how to interpret and the internet is something they turn to now, rightly or wrongly.

greatauntfanny Fri 30-Apr-21 16:43:49

Sorry, you called the police, the school and the doctor about a video that... hadn't been shared anywhere? Am I missing something?

I was about 10 when I became very curious about this sort of thing.

LizJamIsFab Tue 04-May-21 01:27:09

Sorry OP but I’d still suspect she was writing “porn” and I’d be worried about what she had access to/overheard etc
It may have been innocent curiosity and I suppose you want her to be able to ask you those types of questions.
I’m glad you have settings that flagged this up.

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DIYandEatCake Mon 17-May-21 09:18:01

I’m so glad the Internet wasn’t available when I was that age. At age 11 I read about 20 of my stepmum’s ‘pregnancy and birth’ magazines that had accidentally been left in the spare room where I was staying in their house (in a cupboard, but I found them) - at age 12, I bought ‘More’ magazines and hid them under my bed. The curiosity was there but thank goodness Google wasn’t - I really hate to think what I’d have gone searching for and found. It’s not easy for kids these days - it’s not their fault that so much completely unsuitable stuff is available, completely uncensored. It’s natural to be curious about sexuality and very easy to fall into the Internet rabbit hole. You’re right to be cautious, but please be very gentle and careful with her developing sexuality and feelings too - her feelings are normal, even if the potential for harm is so scary these days. Be open and keep talking - no shaming, but show her you want to protect her, show her you’re concerned about the safety of other people online, teach her to value herself. You obviously know you need to keep a very close eye on her Internet activity - alongside that, work on educating her about the reality of porn, and about real-life sexual relationships (in an age appropriate way).

Beetlewing Mon 17-May-21 09:35:07

She's after self exploration, and the exploration of womanhood, hence the searching for naked bodies. She's just doing it in a thoroughly 21st way! I would show her, take her to art galleries, museums, talk about the female body, your own female body, be frank.

Beetlewing Mon 17-May-21 09:37:23

21st century! @DiyandEatCake
has it spot on

Lavender201 Mon 17-May-21 09:43:58

I think this sounds normal for her age. Just googled this Gatcha Life game and it says “the community can be extremely toxic and suggestive” so I would stop her playing that. I don’t think games where she can chat to strangers at 11 are appropriate.

Does she have access to books about sex/puberty/female bodies? I think buying some books and placing them somewhere she can easily access (or just handing them to her, if you are comfortable enough) will allow her to fulfil her curiosity in a way that isn’t dangerous (searching things online/talking to strangers online).

Lavender201 Mon 17-May-21 09:49:06

Also I think you did the right thing contacting school/SS after discovering a video she made that contained nudity/was erotic. That is child porn. I think you need to follow this through by making sure she doesn’t have access to any video games/phone games that allow her to talk to strangers online. So that there’s no one she could send that kind of material to.

It’s a minefield these days, as I believe most games (roblox? Fortnite?) have that kind of chat facility built-in. And therefore aren’t appropriate at 11, unless you can disable chat. Perhaps a parent with a pre-teen/teen child will come along in a minute who knows more.

TheDaydreamBelievers Mon 17-May-21 09:55:01

I agree that the internet is the key issue here. At 11 I was definitely nosy about what people would look like naked, and showing that kind of 'pre-sexual' attraction that @Christmasfairy2020 talks about - looking at a million pictures or videos of x character but not interested in any real life people! The internet just sadly raises the chance that these innocent curiosities will lead to dodgy search results. I agree with providing her with some safe resources and making sure she cannot access anything suspect online

Tal45 Mon 17-May-21 10:01:51

I would imagine she meant porn but had misheard it somewhere - if she was looking for a drawing she would have written drawing not drawn.

I would get her some books with lesbian/lgbt characters - there must be some for teens if you google search and also some books on puberty and sex.

JustFrustrated Mon 17-May-21 10:04:58

Can we stop saying child Porn please.

That doesn't exist.

Explicit images of a child.
Child sexual abuse images.

Both fine. Child porn, isn't.

Back to the question OP. I'd say, no it's not normal. I have an 11yr old DD and obvs the accompanying friends, and whilst they're growing up, from what I've heard/read/seen of them, none of them have any inclination to any of this. They're all quite shy about their bodies, and whilst they "fancie" some of the boys it's because "he's funny" "he has nice hair" and nothing deeper than that?

You need to find out the drive behind this, I'd suggest a child therapist.

Lavender201 Mon 17-May-21 11:13:14

Strongly disagree that she needs a child therapist!!!!!!!! That would be one guaranteed way to make your daughter feel like she’s abnormal for beginning to have sexual/explorative feelings.

Many girls have started puberty at 11. A quick google of “age girls start being interested in sex” shows that it’s normal for teens to start being curious about these topics at 12-13 - 11 is hardly wildly out of that range, especially since girls develop younger.

Suzi888 Mon 17-May-21 14:28:26

Lavender201

Strongly disagree that she needs a child therapist!!!!!!!! That would be one guaranteed way to make your daughter feel like she’s abnormal for beginning to have sexual/explorative feelings.

Many girls have started puberty at 11. A quick google of “age girls start being interested in sex” shows that it’s normal for teens to start being curious about these topics at 12-13 - 11 is hardly wildly out of that range, especially since girls develop younger.

^ that.

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