My 12 year old feeling lost following friendship difficulties

(9 Posts)
applesnapple27 Mon 11-May-20 11:20:49

My 12 year old dd is in yr 8. Has been best friends with 2 girls from primary school who live in the local area and up until the end of last summer hung out all the time together. 1 now goes to a different school and the other girl is in my daughters class in secondary school. Since the beginning of the school year i noticed that these 2 friends were meeting up and excluding my dd. At school my dd and her friend seemed to hang with same group but i think my dd is on the periphery of the group. Not long before lock down my dd was upset on a few occasions as her friend was ignoring her on the bus and being mean to her in school. Since lockdown i have been encouraging my daughter to keep in contact with her friends via facetime etc. which she was doing however now none of her friends answer when she rings them and they never contact her. My dd broke down the other day and told me she is so upset and that she doesnt think her friends want her. I am particularly annoyed that her friends from primary school are ignoring my dd and the impact it is having on my dd and how things will pan out when they do go back to school. My daughter is naturally very quiet and outside of these 2 friends from primary school doesnt appear to have made a close connection at her new school. I've been wondering whether i should contact her friends mum to see if they can shed any light. Also, should i keep encouraging my daughter to contact her friends in the hope that they answer. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
Wanderlust21 Mon 11-May-20 11:27:31

They arent her friends.
Please don't try and 'fix' this friendship for her. Instead use it to teach her about respect and not bending over backwards for shitty people.

Yes it's sad, but it's a good life lesson. When school starts again, encourage her to make new friends. Perhaps enrolling her in a hobby group like...I dunno, guides? Do they still do that? A new setting to make new friends.

Just because you grow up with ppl does not mean you grow with them. Sometimes you grow apart. And sometimes they become jerks.

Teach her to know when this is the case and she should take a step back. Not become a ppl pleaser.

Wanderlust21 Mon 11-May-20 11:48:47

All too often young girls are taught that if people are mean, we should be extra nice to them. As if that'll win them over somehow. It's a horrible lesson to learn and sets us up for a lifetime of tolerating crap and thinking we are somehow to blame. Because if only we'd been better, nicer, more understanding of why they are behaving that way blah blah blah maybe they would approve of us/treat us better.

Teach her that you cant teach people to respect you. They do or they don't and if they don't - respect yourself and walk away.

Maybe put her onto some positive young youtube role models? I'm sure there are plenty who talk about how to make friends and self love, boundaries, how to spot (and avoid) nasty people ect...

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 11-May-20 17:19:51

Agree with the others. These aren't her friends and she should be encouraged to stay away.

We had similar with my DD, also in Y8. Doing activities she enjoys, both in and out of school, has really helped.

Its just unfortunate that this has all come to a head whilst your DD is in Lockdown.

A Mighty Girl has some good book recommendations here and I'd try to get her to focus on some things she enjoys thanks

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Mon 11-May-20 17:37:37

Hi OP do you know if you DD's school do the Friends program?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/FRIENDS_program

Biscuitbiscuits Mon 11-May-20 18:05:44

It sounds like she needs to make some new friends. It will be worse for her self esteem to keep pursuing friendships that are no longer wanted.

It happens as kids get older. They don't always stick to the same group, they change and move on.

Is she usually involved in any hobbies? Can you look into any online groups she can join?

applesnapple27 Tue 12-May-20 13:44:27

Thanks for your advice guys. She is involved with some out of school activities but is not really close to anyone. Might suggest girlguides to her when things get back up and running. Hopefully she will fall in with a new crowd when she goes back to school.

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 12-May-20 13:52:30

My DD used to do guides but now prefers Scouts. I think about a third of them are girls where she is.

Newgirls Tue 12-May-20 13:57:23

I think this happens a lot in y7/8 as their world grows and they realise they don’t have as much in common. It’s tricky at the mo but my dd has joined a new drama group that is online and she’s enjoying it. I don’t expect her to meet close friends but it’s fun and a shared interest and in many ways more how it is in the adult world, where we don’t all have ‘best’ friends more pals at work, for shared interests etc

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