Messy DD 10

[Longdistance]

I’m really struggling to get dd 10 to keep her bedroom tidy. If an item of clothing is missing, you can bet it’s either under her bed or stuffed down the side of it.
It’s not just clothes on the floor, books, toys, papers, rubbish, shoes, coat hangers, money, dirty laundry, fucking Lego. You name it, it’s on her floor except the carpet which you can’t see.
So, usually on a Thursday evening we have ‘matey time’ as dh is out and we stay up to watch some tv together.
Tonight she’s left her room a mess, so I’ve sent her upstairs to bed after pleading with her three times to sort her room as I was looking forward to ‘matey time’. She’s gone upstairs and is now sobbing full blow for the past 30minutes ( I have checked on her). We’ve previously said she couldn’t go horse riding, banned her from the iPad and neither have worked. She really doesn’t give a crap. I’m so fucking angry with her for being like this. We’ve had chats, I’ve got mad, her dads got mad. Urgh! It’s exhausting. She’s still balling her eyes out 😩
Any tips where I’m going wrong would be really helpful and appreciated.
Thanks.

[LeGrandBleu]

It is easier to keep a room tidy than tidy a massive mess, so what I would do it go in with her and the biggest plastic bags you have on the house. Together put everything in the bags without sorting. Then vacuum the carpet, do the bed, clean the table.

Now starts the tidying. Put some music on and one by one, grab an item from the plastic bag and one of you puts it away or bins it.

It might take a while but as all the stuff is in bags it isn’t overwhelming.

When the room is lovely, tell her you are going to do this together for a week. The second week it is her job. The third what you pick from the floor will end up in the garbage.

She might have too much stuff or not enough storage space, so watch the Marie kondo show on Netflix together and decide how to make it easier for her to keep her room under control.

[Mintjulia]

Or you could just accept that it is her space and she may like it like that.
I have 3 sisters and we were all like that in early teens. We’ve all turned out fine, owners of clean normal homes.
It would save a lot of tension.

[Shev1996]

Anything on the floor after a given deadline I would gather to donate to charity, she doesn’t appreciate what she has now, maybe she will once it’s gone

[HopefulRealist]

If her carpet gets covered maybe it is difficult for her to keep so many belongings tidy? It might be time for a declutter and to make sure there is a place for everything to go (excellent ideas @LeGrandBleu).

She could choose a small amount of belongings that can realistically be put away every day even if they are all pulled out, and pack the excess away into boxes to open down the track when the room is consistently tidy (or you could rotate the belongings).

Then find a time each day (ideally same time each day, eg. before leaving for school, or before bed) to do a 'tidy up'. If you do it together at the same time each most days it will become a habit, so that after a time you can just remind her it is time to pick up.

Alternatively shut her door and have a glass of wine :)

[BillywilliamV]

Give up and shut the door. Makes life much simpler!

[CheddarGorgeous]

I feel your pain, my DD was exactly the same.

It's not as simple as just saying "it's her room". It's unhygienic, you can't vacuum or dust, she can't find the things she wants or needs.

I don't know if my approach was great but I would do a mega tidy and deep clean about 3 times a year. It would take me hours. But she could then maintain it. No sleepovers or friends over if bedroom was a state. Some hard rules like dirty clothes in the wash basket every day.

Once she got a phone at 11 it was easier to incentivise. In the first few months it was confiscated more than she had it because of her bedroom.

I'm also pretty strict on mess created by her in the rest of the house.

She's 12 now and things are better, still not great. But also she had less stuff to get messy.

[FishCanFly]

Too much stuff?
Tidy it up for her - anything that's not looked after - BIN IT, and refuse to buy new. After "very important" bits and bobs go missing, you won't have to do it again.

[Longdistance]

Aww, thanks for all the great tips. I’m definitely going to go in her room tomorrow and bag up some stuff for charity/bin.
We have tonnes of storage in her room. She has a bookshelf, a huge wardrobe with drawers, desk with drawers, a set of drawers, boxes for her toys and also a box under her bed, but everything is strewn everywhere.
I will look at how much stuff she uses. She had Schleich toy horses and set, these take up room on her floor too.
What I also forgot to mention was she’s also ripped her wallpaper off beside her bed. We only did it 18 months ago. It looks naff. She chose it as it had horses on it, do I don’t understand why she’d pick at it.

[Shanster]

I have this same struggle with my Dd, same age. I go in every couple of months with bin bags and give it a big clear out. She can sort of maintain for a few weeks. She genuinely can’t grasp how to keep it tidy, and seems to prefer the pigsty. At my wits end generally with her right now, but it’s reassuring that this is a common theme!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Like sone of the others I tend to do a big sort out every so often and then leave it to her.

I don't fall out with her though about it as it's fairly pointless, it certainly wouldn't get her to clean up the mess.