Anal sex and use of porn in PHSE - is 11 too young?

[CaptainCaveMum]

I genuinely can’t work out if I’m being Pearl clutchy or this is a reasonable concern.
My DD is 11 and was told about anal sex and oral sex in class last week. No details were given, it was on a slide alongside other sexual activities that she couldn’t remember apart from PiV sex. There was no context given or explanation. Also there was reference made to using pornography.
I feel real uncomfortable that my young DD (who still plays with dolls) is being given this information as if they are mainstream activities that are ‘normal’ in a loving relationship. And unhappy they were given no context around the moral and heath and social issues. And if my DD hadn’t mentioned it, I would have no idea this was covered.
What would you do? Am I being precious? Or are these reasonable concerns?

[totorosfluffytummy]

I would be very concerned. Schools should not be telling 11 year olds about anal sex or porn as if they are normal things for an 11 yr old to hear about.

[CaptainCaveMum]

@totorosfluffytummy thanks for replying. Do you think I should contact the school? I’m not even sure who teaches it, it seems to be different teachers every week.

[CaptainCaveMum]

I’m also wondering if I should talk to some other parents. I know my DD is unusual in telling me about things that happen at school so I think lots of her classmates’ parents won’t know what they are being taught. Or is that too much of an escalation?

[totorosfluffytummy]

You could ask the School to let you see exactly what the children were shown. I think I would do that.
I have an 11 yr old dd myself. I would not want her to think it's normal to have anal sex or use porn. It's sick that adults want kids to get used to these ideas so they grow up thinking it's normal.
I have spoken to my dc (11-16) about porn though as it has come up before.

[totorosfluffytummy]

Is your dd year 6 or year 7?

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

I would. I contacted school re: DD in year 11 practising putting condoms on dildos. That, I didn’t mind so much-what I did mind was them then doing so with Google’s covered in Vaseline to simulate wearing beer goggles. When what they should have been teaching is that if you’re too drunk to see correctly then you’re too drunk to consent and that is rape. Teaching safe sex is great but the right messages should be being delivered IMO

[totorosfluffytummy]

If you know some of the parents you could speak to them. As you say they may not know as their dc may not have told them.

[CaptainCaveMum]

@totorosfluffytummy she’s in year 7 so this is secondary. It just feels like such a leap in content. And I do worry that it is a form of grooming in that it normalises what I would consider to be niche sexual activities.

[totorosfluffytummy]

what I did mind was them then doing so with Google’s covered in Vaseline to simulate wearing beer goggles

OMG that is so so wrong

[CaptainCaveMum]

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 that’s shocking. How did the school respond to your complaint?

[totorosfluffytummy]

@CaptainCaveMum I agree. Anal sex should really only be mentioned in the context of safe sex and this really isn't for 11 year olds.
People have different opinions on porn - I think the many negatives (sex slaves, rape etc) outweigh anything "positive" they've been told about it. Desensitising kids to these things is a form of grooming.

[CaptainCaveMum]

@totorosfluffytummy yes desensitising is the word. I’m afraid there are children in year 7 who already discuss porn as if it is normal entertainment. This sort of factual education without context is not helpful IMHO.

[totorosfluffytummy]

@CaptainCaveMum I'm glad you have shared this.
My dd is year 7 too. I'm thinking of contacting her school to ask if they will be subjecting the girls (it's a girls school) to this.
In year 6 parents were invited to watch the sex education video before the dc saw it.

[CaptainCaveMum]

@totorosfluffytummy yes I looked at all the material in year 6 and was very comfortable with it. This is such a leap in content. I’ve tried to find the government standards to see what ‘should’ be taught but I’m struggling to find any information.

[MiniTheMinx]

I would be in the school asking questions this morning.

I'm glad I don't have girls. I'd be horrified to think they were being groomed to accept anal sex and watch porn. I have very strong opinions on porn and I have these discussions with my sons. They are my children and it is my responsibility to impart the moral values and ethics they need in life. I wouldn't have some liberal fucking nit twit saturated in the current ideology and without a critical mind tell my children what is, and what isn't ok, and much less encourage a sexuality and sex life that in any way exploited women.

[Clymene]

My children weren't taught about anal sex or porn in year 7 and I would have been horrified if they had been

I would email the school and ask to see the materials they are using. There is a template letter on the Safe Schools Alliance website: safeschoolsallianceuk.net/resources-2/letter-templates/

And as for the beer goggles, that is absolutely appalling.

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

School were quite dismissive initially going about safe sex blah blah until I pointed out that isn’t safe sex teaching supposed to cover making good decisions and having the knowledge and confidence to stick with those decisions. Also pointed out that legally being drunk meant you could not consent to sex safe or otherwise and that both the girls and the boys needed that knowledge to protect themselves and that THAT was safe sex too!!!

[CaptainCaveMum]

Thanks @Mini and everyone else. I’m glad it’s not just me being old fashioned. I’m going to email her tutor later.

[Iwantacookie]

While I think teaching children about sex is a good idea I do think anal sex in year 7 is a bit much.
I would speak to the school and ask them to clarify what they have told your dc and then have a chat with your dc about sex yourself, if nothing else itll get the communication about it going between you.

[Selfsettling3]

I’m an ex pshe teacher. I’m just place marking so I can come back after baby group and reply properly.

Generally yes this seems early but many teenagers have seen porn and they do think anal sex is the norm so they should be teaching around this ie challenging this and discussing other non sexual ways to show love and be intimate. I would ring the school and ask to speak to head of department. Talk them about the schemes of work and what is and is not covered.

[MiniTheMinx]

why are you looking for government guidelines? it shouldn't be for a government to decide on these matters.
schools can barely teach academics, not sure why schools are given the responsibility to teach ethics or social skills. That is a parental responsibility.
There is a misunderstanding between teaching the tools for critical thinking around ethics and ideologically imprinting cultural norms irrespective of their ethical truth value.

[MiniTheMinx]

You are not being old fashioned.

[YourOpinionIsNoted]

I'm an ex-secondary teacher. Anal sex and porn were never, ever taught in sex ed in any of the schools I've been in, from 2007-2018. I would be furious if I were you, OP. It is grooming.

[Savingshoes]

I would contact the head of year and discuss your concerns.
I agree that the content is not age appropriate and would probably contact your school nursing team to discuss your concerns too, they maybe able to offer suggestions from previous complaints, not just from your school's.

[CaptainCaveMum]

@Selfsettling3 oh your insight would be really helpful. My DD wasn’t given any context. She said the teacher just put the slide up and read out the words on the slide which was a list of activities. Nothing was explained or discussed. And they will be moving onto a different topic this week.

@Mini I’m looking for govt guidelines as I’m just trying to find out what the school must teach versus what it chooses to teach IYSWIM