I’m always worrying about DD and friends

[Trixiepixie6]

My dd is 12, she has never really had a best friend, she has had friends but it’s superficial if that makes sense. I really notice it now maybe because of her age. Girls she would have been friendly with in the estate have all paired off and dd is on her own. None of them call for her anymore. She’s a nice quiet girl, too quiet and nice maybe. She calls for them sometimes but she hasn’t recently as I think she has got the message. I try to organize things for her with school friends etc she’s quite active and likes to be out of the house but more one to one, she gets daunted at groups and shys away from any confrontation. I feel sorry for her, there has been no falling out with these girls as such she has had 2 who will go out of their way to avoid her and will be sneaky about it, it’s just like DD doesn’t exist and I can’t do anything about it. Feeling a bit helpless. She is going to the same secondary school as these girls in September and I dread to think of her walking in on her own. i think I need more help than she does tbh my heart is broken. Has anyone suggestions on how to deal with this. Thanks for reading x

[vanillay]

Does she do any clubs or classes outside school?

My little sister was exactly the same at that age.
She's 15 now has a really good wee group of friends.
Going to guides and horse riding really helped (especially the riding as the other kids she's met through that are as mad about animals as her so they had interests in common straight off the bat) but she sort of fell into her own wee group in high school anyway as I think most people do.

[Trixiepixie6]

Thanks yes she is involved in gymnastics 14 hours per week, she has some friends there but they don’t live close, they do have sleepovers as a group every so often.,

[EduCated]

Does she seem upset by it? You say you are heartbroken about it, but not whether she is?

Secondary may well help. A bigger pool of people means more chances to find her tribe. I think you’re right about it being an age thing partly - once they get to the stage where they are hanging out rather than play dates the lines often get redrawn.

Keep doing what you’re doing - could your DD maybe invite one or two of the gymnastics girls over, rather than just big group stuff? Or suggest cinema or similar somewhere between you and them?

[topcat2014]

Secondary will help, bigger pool etc. Plus, generally, they find their own feet more then.

[DeuxMilleVingt]

14 hours of a hobby is a lot, she’ll be missing out on meet ups/parties because of that. However she’s clearly a keen gymnastic which takes sacrifices, and it would seem close local friendships are that sacrifice.
Girls that age just like to hang out.

Secondary will hopefully make a difference. Just make sure she makes prior plans to walk in with local friends that first few weeks. Don’t let her wait to be asked, make sure she’s proactive.

[Trixiepixie6]

Thanks everyone, yes I’m making play dates with gym and school friends, we have cinema tomorrow with a gym friend. It would be nice not to always have to make plans and play dates though iykwim. She used to do 20hrs of gym so 14 is a doddle for her and I never let her miss out on play dates, parties or sleepovers because of it. She hasn’t said too much about the friend situation but I can see she is put out. I think she is a little young for her age too, she’s not into the discos/boys yet and a lot her age are.

[Notthisnotthat]

I was just coming on to start a thread like this so thought I'd come on although a bit late.

My 11 year old is experiencing something similar, she was a group of 3 and the other two have paired off and no longer include DD in the meet ups at weekends, there has been no falling out which just adds to DDs confusion. Although if the other 2 fall out DD gets picked up by one of them for a few days and then she gets dropped again.

If she organises something to do at weekend she invites both girls and they both come but the invites are never passed back to her when they do things.


She starts secondary school in August and I'm hoping that she does find her tribe there. She does like time to herself and not be smothered by friends, but she does have a fear of not having a best friend.

She goes dancing twice a week, swimming and music groups. And at parents night during term one the teacher said she was a friend to all but it was time for her to move to secondary and find people similar to her.

[Trixiepixie6]

Yes maybe they need to broaden their horizons, I find dd gets stuck in a rut and she will only call for 2 certain people even though there are others her age who live nearby she won’t put herself out there. I’m hoping secondary will help 🤞

[GetUpAgain]

It sounds like she has a busy and enjoyable life and gets on well with everyone. I don't think 'calling on people' is really such a thing with kids these days. My teens have never really done it. They go to activities and see friends there. With everyone having phones there is no need to randomly knock doors like it's the 1980s.

When DD started high school the pastoral team gave a talk about the unimportance of Best Friends and it's much better to have groups of friends.

Honestly your DD sounds great and you really need to not pass your own worries onto her.