Son’s appalling behaviour

[BehaveChild]

There’s a load of background to this. The short version is he went through trauma at an early age and for a long time had real problems with behaviour. We’ve had loads of intervention and for the past 2 ish years things have been massively improved. The odd breakdown. Maybe 4 in two years? Today another one has happened.

DS (10) has always stolen things including money. Again, for the past couple of years this has been almost non existent. This morning after he left for school I realised there was some coins missing from my purse. When he came home from school today I told him he had the opportunity to tell me the truth and I asked him if he had taken anything he shouldn’t have this morning. He was instantly remorseful and admitted it and said he had gone to the shop by school and bought sweets. I told him that the money was to pay for a school trip he is going on next week and that now I couldn’t pay for it. I told him I was disappointed and that I should be able to leave money somewhere I my own house and expect it all there when I come back to it. He was remorseful throughout this until I told him he was grounded for a week as a consequence of stealing and I told him to go to his room. This is when he got angry, he started trying to hurt me and told me he was going to break my nose. He tried very hard but he’s still smaller than me so he didn’t get very far and I just remained calm and kept saying “no DS, were not doing this” so he gave up and stormed off upstairs swearing and calling me vile names. Then 5 minutes later he came down and sat on the sofa and called me more names. I asked him if he would like to have more consequences then he would get them. He carried on, so I told him he has now permanently lost his tablet (which he loves). Then the door went and he darted out to it, it was his friend so he went out. I reminded him he was grounded. He responded that he can do what he likes, I can’t stop him, invited me to chase him and then called me more names. While outside he started kicking football at the window so I went outside and took all the footballs inside and have punctured them. He doesn’t know this yet as he’s still outside having a whale of a time with his friends. I’m certainly not going to try and chase him up the street.

Btw I realise how appalling this behaviour is. I’m just no longer shocked by it as Ive had it all before from him and worse. I know now not to react at the time because it just exacerbates the situation and has no good effect on his behaviour.

I’m lost as to what to do now. He’s out there doing as he pleases. I can’t keep him inside and he knows it. And he’s only 10! He’s going to get bigger and stronger and more hormonal and headstrong.

Right now I want to cancel Christmas and let him never have a pleasant day ever again but that’s not going to fix anything.

[BehaveChild]

Just to add the intervention stopped 2 years ago and I am very reluctant to invite authorities back into our lives again. It was hell.

Also the breakdowns were every single day. Several times a day. So 4 in two years is a vast improvement.

[1099]

Hi Op - Noticed you hadn't got any responses for this so thought I'd post, I don't have advice per se, just you have to be realistic and honest with yourself, as you say he's not going to get smaller and he knows he can physically do as he pleases, so you probably need other strategies, my DS is the same age and also has a lot of early life trauma, he is constantly angry at himself and at life and the s**t hand he's been dealt.
Maybe try speaking with school and see what support they can offer, you're going to need help and support and a plan in case it escalates to a point where he does hurt you even if it's an accident, I know none of us think our own kids could do that but that's why I say you have to realistic.
Is the loss of the tablet permanently something you will/can follow through on? if it's not then it loses it's potency, maybe try a loss and reward system, he's lost it until he has earned it back, for this sort of thing to work though the parameters have to be clear, if you do this, this, and this, you'll earn enough credit to get it back. It doesn't work unless you both know the 'rules' so if you say, "if you can behave for x amount of time", then you have to outline what 'behave' means.
You say you don't want outside help but you probably need it, there are other options than the Local Authority, you could perhaps try something like childline to give you some options, or even some of the Domestic Abuse helplines. I hope that's of some help.

[cansu]

As he is so explosive maybe you should stick to more natural consequences. e.g. He took the money so there is none spare for X treat. He is nasty and vile to you so you remove yourself from his company. He seems to need to respond to each of your consequences with one of his own which constantly ups the ante. Agree with previous poster that maybe you also need to be specific about how he earns back the privileges so for instance he is kind and respectful in his actions and words for the next day, a line is drawn under the incident and you move on or whatever. You might want to distinguish between nasty words and actual physical violence or threats as him being physically aggressive is obviously much more serious and he needs to recognise and understand this. As for getting help, it might be a good thing to signal that things are slipping with his behaviour as it then might make it easier to halt than if you wait.

[lovemenorca]

The interventions might have been hell but
A) they worked
B) IMO your current set up sounds hell