WassApp causing major problems

[The2Ateam]

My daughter has just turned 12 and got her first phone a month ago.

We moved to a new area at the same time and she started a secondary school with no one from her primary.

I had no intention of allowing her WassApp but her class and year group have group chats for homework etc so I felt I should so she isn’t left out.

Anyway, since then she has been spending hours and hours on WassApp with her old friend group from Primary. There is one child who has unrestricted access and seems to spend most of the time creating group chats and adding lots of children we don’t know to it.

Looking through my daughter she phone she has been chatting with boys we don’t know and are not from school. I was very concerned as one became abusive (name calling) she told me she’s blocked him but she didn’t so had lied.

We use family sharing so her phone shuts down at 9pm every night and I have also just placed a 3hr time limit on Wassap per day. This has sent my DD into what I can only describe as a massive emotional meltdown. Crying, screaming - this has been going on for two whole days. She is upstairs in her room wailing so loudly, I’m sure the neighbours can hear. It’s ruining family life.

I am well aware that I can just simply remove the App but I want to give her the opportunity to show me she can be trusted. I’m just not sure how to move forward.

She has a year of huge change and has been amazing throwing herself into her new school& friends. I feel sorry for her but at the same time I want to be a good parent when it comes to her phone.

Sorry this is so long. I appreciate any experience of this and advice. Thank you.

[RoyalMail]

It sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing, but I’m not sure a time limit is going to affect the content of the messages your daughter is exchanging. Sadly it’s oeobably going to get worse before it gets better with your daughter as you need to monitor what is being said and who she is talking to, and having lots and lots of conversations about internet safety until you feel you can trust her. Even then, still monitor but from more of a distance.

Also— no judgment at all but to me three hours sounds like a whole LOT. If she’s devastated at having her WhatsApp time cut down to that, how much time has she been spending? Presumably she goes to school, gets home at maybe 3:30 pm, and the phone goes off at 9, that’s 5.5 hrs. If she does an hour of homework (more at any secondary I know), eats dinner w/the family and has a shower, then spends four plus hours on WhatsApp, when has she been doing activities, sports, music practice, reading for pleasure, physical exercise, being outdoors, spending time with friends in person, house chores OK that one’s aspirational for most pre-teens, or ANYTHING but WhatsApp? She needs to do some of these things for her mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Even with three hours on WhatsApp every day sounds extraordinary to me.

Is she going to hate you in the short term? Probably. But that’s just the way it is sometimes with kids that age. You can’t let her tantrums and misery put you off doing what you know is the right thing for her. Keep reminding her that you love her, continue to welcome her into family activities, and look for moments to connect where you can. Just acknowledge that it’s just going to be that way for a while and let the rest of the family get on with it.

[areyouafraidofthedark]

Sounds like she isn't ready for having a phone for such long periods. I would delete WhatsApp for now and when she shows she is using her phone without having any bad side affects I would reintroduce the app.

When I was at high school I didn't have any homework groups and I turned out ok lol. It's not essential for her to be part of homework groups, I'm sure she is able to do school work without and if she's struggling speaking to a teacher or ringing a friend would be enough.

[The2Ateam]

Thanks both. In fairness to her, she hasn’t had anything else much to do. Due to our move and another issue we are having to deal with at the weekends, she is pretty much tagging along with us which must be boring.