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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

1 2 3

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

DS 11 is criticising me constantly

68 replies

Guzzies · 28/10/2019 04:46

Hi
First time poster here looking for advice.
DS seems to be in full-on teenage mode with me. He is constantly criticising me and making scathing remarks about my dress sense, age, social awareness. "That top is for someone younger" "you're so old and ugly" (47 and not bad looking) "you were really rude to that person" (I wasn't!). I'm very self confident so it's more displaying, rather than devastating me. Just not sure if I should ignore, ignore, ignore OR tackle it?

He says he wishes I wasn't around and recently when I challenged him about this and asked if he was saying he hoped DH married someone else, DS said "pretty much".
Advice welcome!

OP posts:

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BastardGoDarkly · 28/10/2019 04:51

Awww bloody hell op, that's really rough!?

I dont have any advice, someone wiser will be along in a while I'm sure.

Just wanted to offer support

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MonsterMashedSpud · 28/10/2019 04:54

Ask him why he feels the need to try and belittle you. Remind him he shares your genes so then he will be old and ugly at 47 too.

Does his father speak to you like this?

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Guzzies · 28/10/2019 05:01

@BastardGoDarkly thanks! I need the support!

OP posts:

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Guzzies · 28/10/2019 05:05

@MonsterMashedSpud I've certainly said "we're all ageing at the same rate" and "you know you're the image of me so I'd be careful telling me I'm ugly"! But it's not getting through

No DH isn't at all like this and is getting increasingly dismayed at the nastiness. We're both at a loss to know how best to deal with it tbh. Was expecting it age 14+; 11 seems awfully young....

OP posts:

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/10/2019 05:07

Ask him how he’d feel if you said things like that about him. Pick stuff he might potentially be sensitive about as an example.

I don’t think I could ignore it to be honest. He’s not being kind and 11 is more than old enough to know that.

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TanteRose · 28/10/2019 05:10

its difficult, but ignore, ignore, ignore...
teens are like toddlers, they want to get a reaction from you, so just grey rock him and change the subject.

unless you think this is stemming from something HE is experiencing, like bullying from others?

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Coldhandscoldheart · 28/10/2019 06:47

I don’t have an eleven year old, so feel free to ignore.
I do remember being eleven and a bit like this. I was being picked on at school and wasn’t very happy. I do wish I’d just been told explicitly to stop. And also how to interact positively, how to give (and receive) a compliment.
I ended up with quite a negative outlook for a long time.

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Coldhandscoldheart · 28/10/2019 06:51

Sorry, to add, I would then do as pp and ignore.
I might try to have that conversation when you’re not all totally fraught.

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marly11 · 28/10/2019 06:55

I feel your pain. We have one like this as well. It's going in DPs direction rather than mine. Part of it is extreme self consciousness on his part which makes him notice anything at all that he could conceive as 'embarrassing'. It manifests in constant criticism of what DP does. I just keep on with various 'mantras' - it's important to be kind... please speak nicely... do check you are being polite... and then quickly moving on. This too will pass I think. It's painful.

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DrWAnker · 28/10/2019 06:57

It's awful.
I have a 12 yo DD and it's not as bad as that but there are odd comments/days where nothing you do is right.
I would sit him down and have a general discussion about how these thing make people feel. "A tongue has no bones but words can break hearts" kind of thing.
And then, hard as it is, try to laugh off the lesser comments.
DD dislikes my dress sense, I tell her I'll start dressing exactly.like her..massive eye roll .

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NabooThatsWho · 28/10/2019 06:59

Is everything ok in his life? Happy at school, friends etc?

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IceniSky · 28/10/2019 07:04

No idea what I will do. My older friend, whose kids have all flown the nest use to tell me stories of this. She would go down the route of 'do you know how your comments are making me feel? They make me feel XYZ and I feel like crying. Your dad is very disappointed in the way you talk to me. He feels XYS. Is that what you want? Are you that type of person?'

Worked very well. Didnt have to do it often. Her children including 2 step, are wonderful. She gave her step daughter away recently.

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ChickenyChick · 28/10/2019 07:06

Something is up

What is he watching online?

How does your DH treat you ?

What sort of friends does he hang out with?

I hope you and DH do not accept this behaviour!

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autumnboys · 28/10/2019 07:09

So sorry, OP, how awful.

I would have to have a chat with him about it, both you and your husband together, so he can see you are united on the subject. Choose a moment when you are calm and ask him, what’s going on? Agree with a pp that it might be that he’s being bullied, so would want to rule that out first. It’s really not normal for a teen to talk like that (I have a 14 & 16yo, neither of them are angels, but they and their friends are generally polite and pleasant to be around). Has he just gone to secondary?

The line I usually take if there’s something to talk about, borrowed from my sister is along the lines of ‘I’m your mum and I love you. I wouldn’t be doing my job properly if I wasn’t prepared to sometimes tell you the things that no one else is going to say’ with this particular case, I wouldn’t dwell too much on it hurting your feelings because as others have said, that may be the point. I would major on the rudeness and lack of charm and the impact it might have on him, ie if it becomes a habit, he will lose friends because he will find himself being rude to them.

Or, brush it off ‘you’re old & ugly!’ You: ‘lol, well you’re rude & charmless. I guess you won’t want my hideous self to run you to the cinema/football/friend’s house’ then follow it through.

You’ll know what will suit your family best. Good luck!

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AJPTaylor · 28/10/2019 07:17

If ignoring it hasnt worked you and dh need to crack right down.
You both need to tell him together that his behaviour to you is unacceptable. That family support each other and respect each other. Decide sanctions for actions and follow through.

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InfiniteSheldon · 28/10/2019 07:24

I can't believe posters telling you to ignore this you need to tell him it's unacceptable and why and ask him why he thinks it acceptable and then put in place punishments why would you allow your 11 year old to be a misogynistic bully.

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FelicityFeather · 28/10/2019 07:34

Why on earth would you ignore a young ish boy being rude to you? What strange advice

I have a 12 year old and he doesn't do this. If he is ever rude, he's told

I'd say to your son ' stop being so rude and unpleasant. You don't speak to me or anyone else like that. Do you understand? I hope so.' .. and then leave it at that, depending on his reaction.

You need to show him you're disappointed in his rude behaviour , not ignore it

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Wallywobbles · 28/10/2019 07:38

French DH really cannot abide the kids being rude particularly to me. And when the kids see other kids being rude to their parents they are horrified. I used to ignore, but I'm afraid I was wrong. It's not ok and it's fucking entitled.

So absolutely be sharp with them in the subject. Presumably you are their taxi, chef, cleaner etc. At the very least they should be learning to be polite to people in service industriels.

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LucheroTena · 28/10/2019 07:43

I also wouldn’t ignore it. That would be allowing him to bully you. You need to nip this behaviour in the bud. Tell him it’s unacceptable and why. If he persists then enforce punishments.

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itsgettingweird · 28/10/2019 07:43

Or, brush it off ‘you’re old & ugly!’ You: ‘lol, well you’re rude & charmless. I guess you won’t want my hideous self to run you to the cinema/football/friend’s house’ then follow it through.

I was going to suggest similar. When my ds said he hated me I'd reply "it's ok I love me enough for the both of us and as I don't have to do things for non friends that'll save me some cooking/washing/buying gifts/ giving lifts" (etc).

Ds usually replied he didn't mean it to which I'd just say "don't say it then as words have meaning and I've always raised you to tell the truth - so if you say it I'll believe you mean it"

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Branleuse · 28/10/2019 07:49

Tell him to fucking pack it in. Tell him that you realise adolescence is hard and hes hormonal, but if he carries on insulting you hes going to seriously lose favour and he can forget you being nice to him at birthdays and christmas. That youre a human being too with feelings, and none of us get to go round mouthing off and insulting people without consequences. Also turn wifi off for the evenings.

My children are this age group or older and I absolutely do not tolerate shitty disrespectful comments and i think if you allow them to speak to you with such contempt and disrespect at 11, then it could easily escalate to violence in their teens. Demand respect.

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weebarra · 28/10/2019 07:50

I feel you. DS1 is 11 and very similar. Tbf he has ADHD and anxiety so we try to talk to him about respect and boundaries before going straight into punitive mode but it's hard.
There's a follow up to the "How to talk so children listen..." book which is specifically about teens, so I'm going to see if I can get any tips from that.

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Allinadaystwerk · 28/10/2019 07:52

I would certainly not ignore. I have 4dc some of them are now adults. If they were rude i told them so. I also expected them to be respectful and grateful. I would do the talking with finding out if something was bothering stuff as well but I would not accept/ignore rudeness. How does that even help anyone?

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weebarra · 28/10/2019 07:54

Bran - how do you demand respect though? DH and I are consistent and present a united front. We tell all three DCs that we are people too, we work hard to make a nice life for our family and that we should be respected.
They get pocket money based on chores, with an extra 'respect and kindness' bonus, which they rarely get.
We try to give them 1:1 time, we understand that at their ages, it's easy for siblings to bicker constantly- they are 6, 9 and 11.
Apologies for hijacking the thread but demanding respect isn't cutting it!

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CeefaCasperTheFriendlyGhost · 28/10/2019 07:54

When someone says things like this it's usually because they themselves are deeply unhappy about themselves. The only way they can feel better about themselves is to 'put someone else down'. As his mum you are a 'safe' target.

You need to absolutely nip this in the bud now and get to the bottom of why he is doing this. Never ignore it. I have 3 DC, one now an adult, one is nearly 13. I never had this from my eldest or my pre-teen. They'd only do it once if they ever tried. Mutual respect is expected, it's just a non-negotiable.

Make sure you and your DH are singing from the same hymn sheet on this and deal with it quickly or you face some unpleasant times ahead.