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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

Tricky tween hides my phone when I confiscate hers please help

36 replies

melmorg1 · 15/10/2019 23:16

My 11 year old daughter is failing at the moment in many levels eg self care, bedroom tidiness, getting up in the morning, planing her homework etc etc. I believe that her access to her mobile phone isn’t helping as she’s too engrossed. So I attempted to bring in a screen time limit on the iPhone. I think she has somehow managed to hack it so that TikTok YouTube etc are always available. So instead I attempted this weekend to bring in a physical restriction instead so that she hands me the phone and I return it to her each day when I’m happy she has everything in order. Seemed reasonable to me. She refused. And when I took it off her she just took mine and switched it off and hid it. And has since refused to give it back laying all kinds of sass on me. How can I handle this please? It’s causing so many arguments.

OP posts:

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applepineapple · 15/10/2019 23:24

Get her a simple text & call only phone. You're the adult here. I presume she doesn't pay the phone bill?

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EmperorBallpitine · 15/10/2019 23:28

That's very naughty. She thinks she's boss doesn't she? I think you need to bring in harder sanctions. And then when you are both calm, explain why getting totally obsessed with your phone, never washing and failing to do basic self care is a bad plan.... I feel you. I have a 13yo.

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DialANumber · 15/10/2019 23:29

Take her phone away permanently. She's 11! I would be removing privileges left right and centre until she returned my property. She is the child, and you are the parent and she needs to acknowledge that.

My DD is turning 10 and has no personal device or unsupervised access to the Internet and I don't plan for that to change anytime soon.

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pallisers · 15/10/2019 23:30

The phone would be gone for a long long time. As would everything else. I am not a big one for punishment but this is outrageous. I would have absolutely exploded at her and put the fear of god in her until she gave my phone back. God, OP, I feel for you.

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WellErrr · 15/10/2019 23:32

Lost for words. Her phone would be gone for good though, she’s be saving up and buying her own including bills.

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HUZZAH212 · 15/10/2019 23:33

Does she have a TV, laptop, games console? Start removing those and if needed upgrade to her bedroom door. No pocket money and she can potentially have things returned on a basis of if she earns them.

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Muumee · 15/10/2019 23:34

Give her the most basic of phones and insist it's handed over at a set time, no charger except in your bedroom and she can 'win' back her iPhone with good behaviour but the same rules apply. Turn off wifi at a certain time. Is she refusing to give your phone back? If so call your provider and block it temporarily. It must be somewhere so look for it while she's out or bribe her, go back on the deal given like a phone thief would if necessary.

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Fournearlyfive · 15/10/2019 23:38

I am such a softie but I would go batshit at this. Not necessarily because of the phone itself but the disrespect.

I would give her one chance in the morning to give it back and if she doesn't, I would be clearing her room of everything but the bed and clothes for the forseeable.

Bonus- you might find your phone in there

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Fournearlyfive · 15/10/2019 23:41

Just re-read and realised this has been since this weekend??

Oh hell no

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HUZZAH212 · 15/10/2019 23:42

I'd also be tempted to point out Christmas doesn't come for naughty children if she wants to act like one. And if she doesn't pick up the crap off her floor you'll be assuming it's all rubbish and binning it. No treats and hide the biscuits and nice snacks. If she wants to smell I'm sure her friends will point that out soon enough so let her get on with it.

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Rainatnight · 15/10/2019 23:44

When you say ‘hides my phone when I confiscate hers’, does that mean it’s happened more than once?

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Itsrebekahvardysaccount · 15/10/2019 23:44

WiFi off until you get your phone back!

I was considering getting my kids tablets of some sort for Christmas even though they aren’t asking yet but this thread has made me reconsider big style!

Terrifies me how phones and technology can change kids. All these jokes on Facebook over the past couple of days from people who’ve actually got to spend time with their kids because Fortnite was off ... just shocking.

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ineedaholidaynow · 15/10/2019 23:45

So is she taking the phone to school with her?

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Ylvamoon · 15/10/2019 23:45

You need to be firm with her and have a chat about her responsibilities. Including respecting your things.
I always explain to my DC that there are things that I tell them to do - no matter what, they have to be done! In return, DC can tell me things I should do (like taking them to activities, providing gadgets, helping with homework, ... ) And like me, they can expect them to be done.

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Djimino · 15/10/2019 23:49

I'd remove her phone and give her a basic one with no internet. What punishments do you usually give if one of your kids is really naughty? Hiding your phone is really bad.

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SunshineAngel · 15/10/2019 23:52

Sorry but no child of mine would be doing that to me. At 11 years old she should do as she's told, and understand that mobiles/tech are a privilege, NOT a right.

I think you're right to limit phone use, and to confiscate when she isn't doing what she's supposed to. If she takes your phone, you take something else, or keep hers for longer. If she ever wants it back, she will learn to just go along with it.

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Breathlessness · 15/10/2019 23:56

I would go nuclear at that level of disrespect from an 11 year old.

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Wildorchidz · 15/10/2019 23:57

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LaurieFairyCake · 16/10/2019 00:00

Just search the house when she's at school - get your phone back, never let it out your sight again, tuck it in bra

And then don't give her phone back, control wi fi with a password etc

You're the parent

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PersonaNonGarter · 16/10/2019 00:05

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PixieDustt · 16/10/2019 00:09

What the!
She wouldn't have a phone if she behaved like this if I were in your shoes!
I'd never dream of hiding anything from my mum at that age. She's crossing serious boundaries here

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WaxOnFeckOff · 16/10/2019 00:10

Room emptied of everything except her bed, school uniform and school books, then take the door off. She gets the door back when she returns the phone and apologises. She can earn back the rest of her possessions bjt by bit.

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BlueBirdGreenFence · 16/10/2019 00:30

You need to win this battle and put her back in her box sharpish or you will be fucked for the next decade.

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Iflyaway · 16/10/2019 00:40

This can’t be for real.

Why not? Just because it didn't take place in your life?

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pallisers · 16/10/2019 01:52

You need to win this battle and put her back in her box sharpish or you will be fucked for the next decade.

I have to say I agree with this.

I am the one who posts on MN that we didn't do time out or naughty step or smacking or anything. No punishments of any kind really. BUT if my child had taken and hidden my phone I'd have gone ballistic. She needs to be scared of you (and I don't say that lightly). She needs to be utterly terrified of what she has unleashed by doing this awful thing. She doesn't need you sitting with her talking calmly - that just reinforces that it is ok to steal your phone and hide it. She needs to see you going off your head about this and taking every damn thing out of her room until she caves.

Otherwise you will be on the back foot for the next 10 years and it won't be pretty - and she will not do well.