DD (Y8) and an allowance

(11 Posts)
Lavenderdays Mon 04-Mar-19 21:41:04

I'm reading a lot of threads on here about parents having difficulty with their 12 and 13 year old dcs
DD (12) is going through much of the usual teen stuff.
DD is doing alright at school but is always into minimal effort, my dh describes her as lazy but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that too, is just a teenage thing. Thinking back, I didn't get involved with too much household stuff but that was mainly because my mother didn't want me to.
Anyhow, I would like to start giving dd an allowance (paid monthly, so that she can learn how to manage money), however, as I see it, she should do some chores around the house (she also has younger siblings) to earn it. Nothing major, unload dishwasher, lay the table, help me sort the washing (on a weekly basis). DD does two out of three of these things anyway (apart from sometimes, I end up unloading the dishwasher). But dd, is resisting the allowance (I think because she knows that I will hold it over her if she doesn't keep up with her chores). There are very few ways I can discipline her (she just laughs at me when I ask for her phone, because she is almost as tall as me now and knows that I don't, quite rightly, want to get into a tussle over it), so she is probably right in her assumption that I would use it as a discipline tool (but only in relation to chores not done and not general behaviour etc). Normally, I give dd about £100.00 for birthday and then again at Christmas, instead of a big present and I think she probably uses this. But increasingly, she is wanting to meet up with friends in town etc. and obviously wants a bit of money to spend (I normally give her a fiver to cover bus fare/food that kind of thing). I don't expect her to pay for any clothes etc. but it would be good for her to earn and then spend her money on luxury items, bits and pieces etc. Anyone else dealt with this kind of situation, I can't really see a way around it at present, I think I would have jumped at the chance at this sort of thing back in my teen years.

OP’s posts: |
W0rriedMum Mon 04-Mar-19 21:44:52

The part that jumped out at me was her laughing if you ask for the phone. I would make it clear that as the bill payer, you can ask for the phone at any time - and get it.

Mine would never leave the phones down if I didn't take them out of their hands.

Re allowance.. Tricky one! Mine do not want one either. They think they do better without one, and they may be right!

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis Mon 04-Mar-19 21:47:05

I give my elder 2 pocket money (14 and a half year old gets £20 and just 12 year old gets £12 per month), and they get a small amount from their granny too.

They are also expected to do their homework, keep rooms and selves cleanish, and help with cooking, washing up, laundry etc. But this is not linked to pocket money. I don't think this should have to be earned, and I don't think helping around the house should have to be incentivised, just expected as a member of the family.

Lavenderdays Mon 04-Mar-19 22:04:31

Interesting comments, thank you, this pre-teen lark is all new to me.

I shall re-read your posts shortly.

Interesting that your dcs don't want an allowance either worriedmum.
Unfortunately, I don't see how I can extract the phone from her without it becoming physical (and potentially escalating) and I obviously don't want that. She does keep her bedroom (mainly tidy) but I just shut the door anyway. She also knows that I prioritise her homework above everything because her education is important to me (and for her) and she is very quick to say, I can't because I've got homework to do ( and then probably texts her friends, reads a book, google, whatever). I would never dare compare my dcs aloud, but interestingly her younger sibling is much more helpful and more of doer/caring than ever her elder sister was at a similar age. I don't believe in comparing children or favourites but it is glaringly obvious, can personalities be so very different, because I have parented them similarly.

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TeenTimesTwo Mon 04-Mar-19 22:10:29

Who pays for the phone?

We give DD2, y9, £15 per month and she pays PAYG from there, she doesn't use it much and internet is blocked on it. If she starts going out more independently we will up it.

I would make money for seeing friends etc conditional on phone being handed over as required.

ps. She does have phone out of bedroom overnight doesn't she?
And also, you do randomly check her phone, don't you?

boxlikeamarchhare Mon 04-Mar-19 22:20:51

I pay for everything for DD (yr8) including phone, I then pay £40 a month into a current account for her (which she mostly saves).

I don’t expect anything in particular tbh, just that she operates like someone who lives here rather than a guest.

She is a good kid, works really hard at school, county youth orchestra, swims on a team etc., etc..

She knows what is expected of her at home and will walk the dog, pick up poo, load/unload the dishwasher, set the table and pour drinks etc., etc., if it needs doing.

I don’t feel the need to ask for specific chores to be done. I did absolutely bugger all as a teen and it did me no harm.

Lavenderdays Mon 04-Mar-19 22:26:02

We pay for it (smallest amount available, I think, anything extra, then she pays). The problem is, the phone is deemed a necessity for school, so it is difficult to use it as a threat really (as in not paying the bill). Yes, we have started removing the phone at night (fortunately, dd is currently working her way through a series of books and this has become her focus lately).

OP’s posts: |
Lavenderdays Mon 04-Mar-19 22:32:58

Yes, I get what you're saying Marchhare, I think it more about the recognition of the value of money etc. as well as the chores (which are basic and light).

Unfortunately, dd does little outside of school, except meet up with friends, she doesn't seem to rush out to do other activities, it is great that your dd has other things to focus on. DD is toying with joining an organized group but I think her confidence is holding her back from giving it a go (and not knowing anyone there). She has become quite focused on her appearance lately. She attends a grammar school but doesn't seem to go above and beyond what is expected of her, just seems to coast really, though is slowly grasping that she gets better outcomes with effort put in (and seems to pull it out of the bag when required). She hasn't joined any extra curricular activities at school either, though she has a good circle of friends.

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youwantathingamibob Mon 04-Mar-19 22:40:30

I didn't get allowance as a teen, I helped around the house (begrudgingly!) anyway and whenever I wanted to go out my mum would just give me money then as we both new if I had money regularly I'd just waste it on chocolate or other crap. Worked well for me and is what I will be doing with DS when the time comes (he's 3 and already helps out - rubbish in bin, plates in sink, tidies his toys)

reluctantbrit Tue 05-Mar-19 13:03:31

DD gets a monthly amount but it not connect to helping at home. She has to do it as being part of the family.

We pay for everything necessary, clothing, phone, skin care, personal hygiene, food. If she wants something out of the ordinary or a better brand she has to pay towards it/pay on her own.

She is using the phone at school as well, we never take it away on school days but she had times where she had to hand it over as soon as she is home as a consequence for behaviour. Similar to ipad or laptop use or Netflix (biggest punishment in her eyes).

CMOTDibbler Tue 05-Mar-19 14:12:33

My 12 year old in Yr8 gets £35 a month allowance, plus his phone (sim only £5 a month on our BT scheme). Its not linked to doing chores, and if he doesn't hand his phone/laptop over instantly when required it is removed.
I had an allowance from 13 onwards, and had to pay for everything but school uniform and necessary shoes out of it and it really taught me to make wise spending decisions

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