11yo ds been looking at porn

[caitlinohara]

Dh found out today that ds has been looking at (pretty nasty) porn. He found out because ds has a screen limit app on his phone which had 'stopped working' (I suspect ds had been tampering with it) so he went in to reinstall it and chanced on his browsing history. It's pretty bad, I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10 about an 8 I would say. I haven't seen the videos but I have seen the titles. It looks like this has been going on since December.

I am completely devastated because I thought that our parental controls were pretty watertight - dh works in IT and he assured me it was all set up. It seems that ds had worked out the PIN number for his phone Settings and had simply gone in and ticked 'allow adult content'. Dh had told me that the router itself would filter stuff out as a backup.

I don't know what to do, I am so upset about it. I feel like we have failed him. Absolutely raging at dh. Maybe I should have checked it myself but like I said, dh works in IT and I just trusted that he would do this properly. I haven't spoken to ds about it yet because I don't know what to say. I don't want to embarrass him or humiliate him. He hasn't done anything wrong. It's our fault as parents.

I don't know what advice I am asking for really. Please don't shout at me for being a shit parent, I'm doing enough of that at myself. Any advice on how to handle this would be much appreciated.

[Sethis]

Get a couple of decent books from a bookshop or online. Check reviews for ones that give advice about relationships and dating/consent as well as sexual mechanics and contraception/STDs.

Once you have those, sit down and give them to your son. Say something like "We know that there's lots of porn floating around out there, and we need you to understand that this is not real sex. Porn is a terrible way to learn how to make love, and has about as much in common with reality as Star Wars does. Here are a few books that hopefully will answer any questions you might have, and if you have any other questions about relationships and girlfriends then please let us know."

[grinchypants]

Neither of you sound like shit parents at all. It's curiosity. Don't take it out on DH, everybody drops the ball sometimes.
Use it as a teachable moment and have a good honest chat with him about what's ok and what's not, and explain why he won't have access to devices if he's to do it again. Use it to teach him about sex in a healthy way and set boundaries.

[1shotcappuccino]

If he uses a mobile you can download an app called icognico mode blocker