12 year old friendship fallouts

(17 Posts)
Icantfindausername Thu 29-Nov-18 23:10:51

My 12 year old daughter seem to be constantly falling out with her friends and then sending them messages begging them to be her friend again - I cringe when reading them. She doesn't know I know as I read the messages when she's in bed and I don't want to mention as she'll just start deleting them and then I won't be aware.
But is it normal seems to be silly thinks they fall out over and I just don't what what to do for the best! x

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ourkidmolly Thu 29-Nov-18 23:26:13

Why are they falling out to start with? Is she at fault? Repeatedly begging is not good.

Icantfindausername Fri 30-Nov-18 07:50:07

It's a group of 6 and it seems if any arguments between any of them the group splits into 2 lots of 3. She then tries messaging saying please be my friend and what have I done they then ignore her and block her. Then a few days after all is fine and they unblock her. It seems so stupid and annoying and I don't know whether to get involved or just leave it x

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JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 02-Dec-18 18:42:04

Is there a way you could talk to her about this without mentioning the fact that you’ve read her texts do you think? I’m not brilliant at this kind of thing but there are some books here that you could use as a starting point smile

Oblomov18 Sun 02-Dec-18 18:46:09

Yes. This needs dealing with. It's not good. As a style of friendship.
I know many of my friends have teen girls and there are fallings out. But. Not this bad.
AND no one should ever beg. If you have self respect and value yourself as a friend, you'd never beg. That is bad. And needs talking about.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 02-Dec-18 19:25:33

I don't know whether to get involved or just leave it. I tend to look on it as gentle guidance rather than interference. My DD might look on it differently though grin

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 03-Dec-18 08:04:33

The issue with not helping her to be more assertive is that this panicking and begging could be exploited. I can imagine some unscrupulous person using it to their advantage. As in if you want to stay my GF you need to do X, DD doesn’t want to do it, the BF dumps her and she spends the next few days texting and begging and ends up doing X just to keep her BF.

Icantfindausername Mon 03-Dec-18 10:35:07

Thanks for your ideas.
I'm going to have a chat with her tonight. I worry in case she's doing something to cause the fallout and not telling me that part so it looks all innocent but it's not. I have no reason to doubt her but it seems strange they fall out over silly things x

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JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 03-Dec-18 19:10:19

Let us know how you get on thanks

Unusualusernames Tue 18-Dec-18 18:45:12

I’d be really interested to hear how you got on as my daughter has had a similar experience which really worries me.

Icantfindausername Tue 18-Dec-18 19:05:05

It's not much better to be honest: my daughter is left out and one of the girls states the others can't talk to her which is awful. School have offered her support and tried to get her to go to a break club but she doesn't want to and she just flits from group to group. It's hard to watch and read messages but I'm hoping soon enough the others will realise what this other girl is like and stop siding with her. She seems to be coping ok so I'm trying not to get too involved. What's happening with your daughter? x

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Storminateacup74 Sun 20-Jan-19 22:03:51

Just stumbled upon this thread and I could have written this this weekend. My DD is so worried about going to school tomorrow after shouting and saying some horrible things to her BF as her BF started teasing my DD about a boy - my DD got really upset and instead of walking away or ignoring it she flipped out. She did say some horrible stuff including swearing at her. This seems to happen a lot other girls start the drama and my Dd is often the one on the receiving end then she flips and reacts and says some nasty things but the other girl/s have caused this. Worst thing is I am friends with her friends mum and she heard everything my Dd said and she has been round tonight saying her DD and my DD are never to speak again!, So hard I am glad she stands up for herself but by reacting she makes it worse. Walking away is so much easier but she thinks walking away is for the weak if someone has hurt your feelings you hurt theirs double as hard. We have had all this blocking and unlocking stuff for months along with taking names off their bio and replacing them with another girls name!!! She has a lovely friend who is never in any drama and is the sweetest loveliest girl you could meet but she has no aspirations to be like any of her friends she isn't trendy and has no desire to be. She loves reading and animals and doesn't have social media she isn't interested and is so happy in her own skin but my Dd says she is very boring - but she never has to deal with any of this! Just reads and rides!!

TF4646 Sun 14-Apr-19 21:17:17

@storminateacup74 - how are things now? I’m having similar issues with my DD12 who’s in YR7. She’s really struggling with a couple of girls in particular who seem to enjoy making others feel crappy.

Social media doesn’t help as it’s 24/7, she’s spends so much time on TikTok or WhatsApp obsessing over who is with who and why she’s been left out - it’s exhausting and so unhealthy.

I’ve had a long chat with her tonight about fake friends, who want to be your friend one day and the next arectskkibg about or eye-rolling or just being narky on text.

I hate seeing her so unhappy, she told me this evening that she’s cried every day for 2 weeks, that she doesn’t like anything about herself. She says I have to say she’s smart and a great friend because I’m her mum!

I understand that YR7 is tricky, but does it really get better in YR8, anybody got any advice please?

TF4646 Sun 14-Apr-19 21:18:29

That strange word, is ...and the next are talking about you... blush

Icantfindausername Sun 14-Apr-19 23:29:08

My daughter is in year 8 and it started off wobbily but to be honest she's in a place good place with friends now she's finally found a nice set of friends who she is happy with and they (touch wood) don't seem to fall out like the horrible bitchy group she was in. I just used to comment about the things they said or did like "oh I'm not sure I would want to be friends with her if she treated me like that" and I tried to get her to realise herself how toxic they were. Hopefully things will import for your daughter soon too it's such a worry isn't it! xx

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TF4646 Sat 18-May-19 11:15:05

@Icantfindausername your post gives me hope. My 12 year old DD had a complete breakdown last night over friendship groups and saying that she has nobody. It's all very dramatic as things are at that age. She's coming to the end of YR7 and it's been turbulent to say the least.

Her BF is not in her form, but they have some lessons together. This friend has been unhappy in her form and has got a move to another form (not DDs), but one where their other close friends are. So now they are all together and she is in another form. It sucks, but she should be happy for her friend.

All she sees is them being besties and her being on her own, as the girls in her class are always falling out and back in and out!

Last night she cried literally all afternoon and evening, tells me that I don't understand and never will. Asks me to help her and then poo poos every suggestion that I make.

This morning, she is still tearful, but has gone to meet up with her friend, hopefully that will help.

Anybody else have a YR7 / YR8 girl who is going through these friendship issues?

Icantfindausername Sat 18-May-19 11:23:09

@TF4646
I imagine year 8 will be much better. All I can say is I encouraged her to look for others that seems nice in her classes and to try and get to know them. She wouldn't listen at first but then she did. And she got to know a lovely group of girls that she didn't go to primary with. They seem much more suited and she is so much happier. The problem I have now is she always wants these friends over and she's off out with them so o don't see her as much but all part of growing up and I'd rather that than the year 7 issues. I would just tell your daughter to look for others who might be a little lonely and get to know them! xx

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